


Sowing Uncertainty

by mmarydee



Series: Sowing Uncertainty [1]
Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship, Mental Health Issues, POV First Person, Romance, Sexual Content, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 72,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25017754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mmarydee/pseuds/mmarydee
Summary: Peach, a fledgling farmer and certified nervous wreck, must decide if the life she’s created for herself in the valley is the life she really wants.
Relationships: Elliott/Female Player (Stardew Valley), Harvey/Female Player (Stardew Valley)
Series: Sowing Uncertainty [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1855357
Comments: 56
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ridiculous story is accompanied by an equally ridiculous playlist which is linked in the chapter title below. Each chapter title is the name of a song that corresponds with the chapter either lyrically, in theme, or overall mood. Enjoy (:

[i // how](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6GKNfhrKGctK8Gl16ltR5d?si=kd8-AJDWTjWMBsLcKSwtyA)

I was almost sure I smelled coffee brewing in the kitchen, or heard the floorboards creak, but the dim light streaming through the window fell on his untouched side of the bed and reminded me I was alone. I slid out of bed into my boots and stuffed my arms in the sleeves of my green flannel robe, catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I tied the sash. Shadows circled my eyes and my puffy face was framed with tendrils of hair that had escaped my bun in the night. I twisted the thin gold ring on my left hand and wondered if Elliott could really want to marry me. I couldn’t imagine what a well-put-together published novelist would need with a messy farm wife. I knew if I’d asked him he would smile, plant a kiss between my eyes, and compare me to some flower or a sweet-smelling breeze. In my reflection, I couldn’t see the charming person he believed me to be. If he still believed it. 

I ran a brush through the tangled lengths and re-tied my hair untidily atop my head as I wandered toward the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. Steaming liquid began to drip into the pot and the sweet, warm smell filled the small room. I picked up my basket and stepped into the cool blue morning. I walked to the coop and opened the small door to the fenced enclosure. A flurry of feathers burst forth from within and I couldn’t help but smile as I carefully stepped through the clucking and quacking crowd. I ducked through the door of the coop and collected the day’s eggs, placing each one carefully in my basket. I paused on my way out the gate, bending to gently touch the soft feathers of my brown hen’s head. It didn’t seem so long ago that Petunia lived alone in a smaller coop on land that was still more forest than farm. Though I had worked nearly every day since my arrival at Willowbrook, the progress I’d made often astonished me. It was still quite small, but it was real and mine, and I was proud of it.

I brought the eggs back to the kitchen where I drank a cup of coffee as I prepared and ate a quick breakfast, then changed into a work shirt and a pair of old jeans. Shortly after, the screen door slammed behind me as I hopped down the porch steps with my watering can. Summer mornings had always felt rushed, as I’d try to do most of the outdoor work early in the day before the heartless heat forced me back in the house. It felt even busier now that he wasn’t here to help feed the animals and water the crops. I ignored the little twitch in my chest at the thought that I’d grown too reliant on his help. I couldn’t keep from wondering when I had last felt this lonely. The thought twisted into a memory and I shook it out of my mind.

I crossed through the gate to the flower garden and watered the beds, careful not to disturb the bee boxes near each section of budding flowers. The plants seemed taller and greener every morning and soon the garden would bloom into an explosion of color. I watered a small patch of vegetables near the house, our grocery garden, now just bits of green poking above the soil that would soon become peppers, radishes, and tomatoes. As I moved on to the patch of earth that would be melons and blueberries, I felt as though I’d already planted more at once than I ever had, but it seemed there was always more to do.

I put on my gloves and carried my hoe past the coop to an un-tilled section of field in front of the old ruined greenhouse. As I dug into the dry soil, somehow my mind jumped from thoughts of fixing the old building to a flash of our last argument before Elliott had left. The rattle pills against their bottle, the crinkle of the paper bag. The sight of him at dawn, crossing the small pasture, closing the gate behind him, and setting off down the road toward town. I dragged my hoe through the dirt, wanting to bury my unease in the freshly turned earth. I tried to appreciate the repetitive motion and seeing my progress as I made it. In many ways, farm life was exactly what I’d always needed. The work forced me to exist in the present and focus only on what was in front of me rather than allow my thoughts to swirl to unpleasant places. As I worked the soil I could almost ignore the churning in my stomach as the thought crossed my mind. At least he went to pick up my prescription. At least I didn’t have to see–

_Stop._ I swung my hoe as deep into the soil as the hard earth would allow.

* * *

I glared at myself in the bathroom mirror, my hair still stringy and wet from my bath. The cool water had soothed the soreness setting into my muscles but had done next to nothing to settle my nerves. I hadn’t done enough before the heat became too much, but at least he wasn’t here to see. I tried and failed to convince myself that when he came home, I would have a chance to explain and things would be as they were before. I sat at the edge of the tub, gripping it until my knuckles turned white. I tried to breathe deeply and steadily. I grabbed the prescription bottle from the counter and swallowed one of the pills inside, released a deep breath, and slowly inhaled another. 

I moved to the bedroom and rifled through the dresser for something to wear. My grey cat, Twiggy, hopped up and put her little face in my face. I brushed against her whiskers with my thumb and scratched gently behind her ears.

“Remember when you were my only friend in town? It was just you and me and this little house.” 

Twiggy rubbed her face against my knuckles and purred loudly. I glanced at the alarm clock on the nightstand. I could almost imagine he was only as far away as the cabin on the beach and soon he’d be on his way home for dinner. I pulled on a clean pair of shorts and hesitated a moment over Elliott’s shirts before selecting one of my own. I figured he’d thank me for staining my own clothes when I cooked dinner later. The cat hopped down from the dresser and wound between my legs, chasing and pouncing at my heels as I made my way to the kitchen. My meds had begun to kick in and I was feeling calm again, more me. 

I suddenly realized I’d forgotten to check the mail and went back outside to the wooden box by the gate. I released a breath as I opened the little door and found an envelope inside. My fingers traced the letters of my name. Even the simplest words looked beautiful in Elliott’s hand. Even as I smiled my heart ached. Each of his daily letters had felt like a promise he would come home again. Even so, I couldn’t quite bury the worry that he’d fall in love with the city, or the travel. Or somebody better than me. At the kitchen table, I carefully tore open the envelope along its seam. He didn’t say how his last reading had gone. He’d written about the farm and our cozy little house. I folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope. With him gone, the place didn’t quite feel like home. I wondered if I’d ever told him.

With a sigh, I crossed my arms on the table and rested my head on my elbow. The heat had a way of sneaking in through the closed curtains, and though the windows were open, there wasn’t much of a breeze. Though I had a few half-finished projects to work on, a messy kitchen, and a sink full of unwashed dishes, I couldn’t quite keep my eyes from falling closed. It was too warm, and I was exhausted from the day’s work. I was aware of a slight throb behind my eyes and then what felt like a moment of nothing. When I opened them again, the golden evening light shone past a shadow at the doorway, and then I heard the knock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't written a fanfic in about fifteen years and I'm honestly a little nervous to share this. If you've stuck with me this far, thank you so much, and I hope you'll enjoy what's to come. It's gonna be a long one.  
> <3 <3


	2. Chapter 2

1 // new theory

Before I moved to the valley I had an apartment in the city I could barely afford and a job that was somehow simultaneously high stress and a dead end. One weekend in early winter I rode the train back home to help my parents clean out their house before Dad and Mom moved into one more suitable for empty nesters. It took the full two days to sort through all the junk they had collected over the years. 

It was cold in the garage, even with the doors shut, and my fingers were almost numb. I reached for an old box of documents high on a shelf but I dropped it, spilling its contents across the oil-stained floor. I stooped to gather it all together when an envelope with my name on it caught my eye. I set it aside and boxed up the loose papers, not having any idea what could have been inside. 

Mom’s dad had died when I was still quite young so no one ever told me what was written in his will. We all have our ways of dealing with grief; It was easier for Mom to just not think about it. She boxed up all his things and put them on a high shelf in the garage where they waited until that day. Later that evening, I sat in the half-packed living room with both my parents and I opened the envelope. It was a letter from my grandpa.

 _Dear Peach,  
_ _If you’re reading this, you must be in dire need of a change…_

My heart pounded hard in my chest. This man, my grandpa, wrote me this letter before I turned twelve. How could he have guessed so accurately the situation I’d found myself in at twenty-six? Tears welled in my eyes and Mom snatched at the letter to see what it said. 

“Oh honey, the farm,” she sighed, tears suddenly streaming down her own cheeks. I had vague memories of Mom talking about growing up on a farm in a small town before setting off for the city and, later, suburban life.

There was another piece of paper in the envelope, the edges cracked and yellow with age. I pulled the document out carefully. It was the deed to the property: Willowbrook Farm in Stardew Valley.

* * *

My managers at Joja Co weren’t at all sorry to see me leave. My coworkers were both happy I was getting out and resentful that I was leaving them behind. It was a strange feeling, saying goodbye to people I’d worked with for years but still hardly knew. When I let the doors close behind me, stepping out from the fluorescent light and into the brightness of the sun, I felt freer than I had in such a long time. 

I grinned broadly as I walked from the office to my apartment for the last time. I packed everything that would fit in my duffel bag and put the rest of my belongings in cardboard boxes. Dad promised to pick it all up for me later before he returned the spare key to my landlord. I told him he could probably just donate it all. I didn’t really own that much, but there also wasn’t a lot of extra space in my parent’s new house. I slept one last night on my full sized bed. In the morning I stripped off my sheets, stuffing them into the minimal space left in my bag. I picked up my pillow and took one last look at my tiny, dingy apartment before I closed the door on that chapter of my life and confidently stepped into the next.

I buzzed with excitement as I boarded the bus for Stardew Valley. I didn’t really know what to expect when I arrived, but for once, not having all the answers felt like an adventure instead of a spiraling black hole. Besides, I owned land. There was a house waiting for me, a whole house to myself far away in the quiet countryside. I drifted off into sleep somewhere along the way. When I awoke, I had arrived in Pelican Town.

* * *

I somehow managed to get lost despite the small size of the town. I knew the farm was west of the bus stop, but my first attempt to go into town I made the mistake of going south. I trekked down a wooded path that led to a clearing before the dense forest spread out ahead. I met my neighbor, Marnie. She seemed happy enough to meet me and told me about her nephew and niece, Shane and little Jas, who lived with her at the ranch. She helped me get my bearings and pointed me east toward Pelican Town.

I wandered the path along the fence, watching Marnie’s cows graze in the big green pasture. I noticed a cottage to my right along the river. It was small but looked cozy with the climbing ivy and small, secluded garden. I wondered if my own house would ever look so nice. When I first saw my farmhouse I was startled to find I had no appliances, only a big brick fireplace to cook on as well as warm the house. I had one room and one small bathroom but it was bigger and much more a home already than my gloomy, grey apartment in the city. Robin, the carpenter, had assured me she would be happy to help me with any renovations I had in mind.

The dirt path eventually turned into a brick one and I passed a pair of larger houses on the left. A little boy played outside while an older boy, maybe his brother, leaned against a nearby tree playing a handheld video game. I thought it was a phone before I remembered the valley had no cell service. I offered the boys a wave as I passed, unsure if I should introduce myself. Neither seemed to notice me go by.

I wandered over to the saloon, hoping they served food. It was a long bus ride and my stomach felt squirmy and uncomfortable like it was trying to digest itself. I pushed open the door and stepped inside.

“That you, Pam?” a blue-haired girl called from across the bar without bothering to look up.

“Uh, no.” The saloon was empty. “Are you closed?” The girl whipped her head up in surprise, then grinned at me.

“Oh! The farmer’s here.” A head popped up from below the bar, first a mop of dark brown hair, a large, squishy nose, and a walrus mustache. 

“Oh, hello there! I’m Gus. We’re open but not too many folks in town come by so early on a Monday.” He laughed, his left hand resting on his round belly. “What can I get for you? Coffee? Beer?”

“Do you serve food?” I asked, willing my stomach not to grumble. “A beer sounds nice, but not on an empty stomach.” 

“The special today is Carp Surprise. We also have bread, salad, pizza, spaghetti…” He trailed off. I expected him to keep going for a moment before I realized he had listed the whole menu and was waiting for my response.

“Uh, salad, I guess.”

“And that beer?”

“Maybe it’s a bit too early. Just water, please?”

“Have it up for you in a few.” He smiled under his fluffy mustache and walked back toward the kitchen. I slid into a seat toward the right end of the bar, near the corner. The girl with blue hair filled a glass with water, garnished it with a lemon and set it in front of me.

“So. Farmer.” She leaned forward with her elbows on the bar and rested her chin in the palms of her hands, studying my face. She wore a below-the-knee, deep red velvet dress with long mesh sleeves. Her brown eyes were bright, her face friendly, and her hair shockingly blue. “You are going to love it here. I’m Emily.”

“Peach,” I smiled. “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.” She straightened and walked down the length of the bar and through a set of doors along the opposite wall. I glanced around the empty room and checked the clock on the wall. It was 12:15. They were open, but just barely. I began to worry I was bothering them with my presence. No doubt they usually used this time to prepare for the evening rush.

The double doors swung open again and Emily was back behind the bar with my salad and an unopened bottle of beer. She set them both in front of me but when I opened my mouth she quickly said, “Gus insists. Take it for later.” She smiled and went back to stocking bottles in the coolers behind the bar. As I ate, Emily chatted with me about Pelican Town. 

“The shops around here close really early, except the ol’ Stardrop,” she said, patting the bar. “We’re open twelve to midnight every day, except festival days. You can probably get all your farm stuff from Pierres. They have seeds and groceries and stuff, but, like I said, they close really early. JojaMart across the bridge to the east is open late but I wouldn’t shop there.” Emily smiled as I wrinkled my nose. If I never set foot in another JojaCo building it would be too soon. “You’re really gonna like it here, Peach. I can just tell.”

I sat at the bar for most of the afternoon, Emily filling me in on all the details about Pelican Town. The blacksmith and the library were across the bridge to the east, south of the JojaMart. She told me everyone’s name and what they generally looked like so I wouldn’t be too overwhelmed when I started to meet people.

“There aren’t that many people here, but we all know each other and I’m sure that’s gonna be a weird dynamic if you used to live in the city.”

“You seem to know a lot about me already, too.”

“Well yeah, once we found out you were coming it was all anyone could talk about for like a week. We all wondered what kind of person you’d be and how you’d tame all that land. It’s become really overgrown out there, Leah told me. She likes to wander around in the woods and forage for food.” She paused. “You’re gonna farm in, like, a sustainable way right? The ecosystem out here is very fragile.”

* * *

Even with a population under fifty I still struggled to match faces and names. It didn’t matter much; I kept to myself and, for the most part, everyone let me have my space. I spent most of my time at the farm, clearing the land as best as I could, planting a few small patches of crops, and trying to make my money last. It was tough at first. Often I couldn’t afford to eat what I’d grown and still earn a paycheck so I spent a lot of time at the Stardrop eating cheap salads and chatting with Emily. She didn’t seem to mind my almost constant company.

On a Friday night, after making my biggest sale yet, I wandered down to the saloon, my pocket heavy with extra coins. When I opened the door I was shocked to see so many people inside. I wandered to my usual seat on the right corner of the bar and waved at Emily. She saw my face and laughed.

“You haven’t been in on a Friday yet.”

As time went by, it seemed the whole population of Pelican Town had filtered in and out of the bar. I heard the clatter of billiard balls in the game room behind me, occasionally accompanied by a cheer or a frustrated groan. I saw Marnie talking to Mayor Lewis, who I’d briefly met when I first arrived in town. I waved, but neither of them seemed to notice. I saw Leah, who I had learned owned the little cottage by the river, at the other end of the bar. She browsed the music in the jukebox, checking over her shoulder once in a while as if she were waiting for someone. 

“One more, Em,” a deep voice called from my right. I’d seen that man in the same seat so many times since I arrived in town I almost forgot he was a person and not part of the decor. It was Shane, Marnie’s nephew, though there wasn’t much resemblance. He had dark hair, cut short on the sides and longer on the top, a strand or two fell across his face. His face was pale, with a hint of stubble across his jaw. I'd tried to introduce myself once only to be met with a glare and a rude remark. He didn’t seem like the neighborly type. Emily grabbed a mug out of the freezer, glancing in my direction before she closed the lid.

“Can I get one of those too, Emily?” She happily grabbed another frosty mug and poured our drinks. Shane scowled in my direction.

Emily set Shane’s beer in front of him and mine in front of me, two seats down. Shane grunted and tilted his mug slightly in my direction before taking a huge swig. I smirked, gave a slight nod and sipped my own drink. Emily wiggled her eyebrows at me. I couldn’t quite read the expression on her face. I nursed my beer and settled back in my stool to watch the other patrons in the bar.

Robin and Demetrius danced together in the open floor space on my end of the bar. Clint, the blacksmith, and Willy, who lived at the edge of the pier sat together nearby, sipping their drinks and rarely speaking. I briefly saw a man in a green coat and glasses toward the middle of the bar, but couldn’t quite remember who he was. I hadn’t seen him here on any other night and he didn’t stay long.

My eyes wandered back to Leah and I saw her talking to someone tall in the seat next to her. Leah suddenly looked in my direction and gave a small wave. As I waved back, the tall figure turned, shaking his long hair over his left shoulder. He made a face I couldn’t quite read before returning to their conversation. Leah smiled, listening to something he said. She tilted her head back and laughed loudly. I looked away quickly, staring at the drink in front of me. I glanced to my right and saw Shane looking at me.

“What?” He seemed as surprised as I felt by my icy tone. “Sorry,” I muttered before I drained the rest of my drink. To my utter bemusement, Shane laughed and finished his drink too.

“You live near me. Let me walk you home.” He slid out of his stool and walked towards the door. I didn’t move. I couldn’t tell if he was kidding.

He stood by the door, holding it open. I fished my money out of the pocket of my jeans, counted out a reasonable tip for Emily, and hopped off my stool. I looked at Shane as I walked past him into the town square. I turned to my right, then made a left at the clinic. I took the more direct route to the farmhouse, past the bus stop, leaving Shane to go his own way.

My face felt hot and my whole body seemed to throb as I flopped into my bed, trying to figure out why I felt so embarrassed. Why did Shane, the guy who bit my head off when I tried to say hello, want to walk me home? Obviously I wasn’t going to stroll through the woods alone with him at night. All my instincts had screamed ‘bad idea’. Why was I so worried he would be upset with me? Should I apologize? Try to explain?

I rolled over in my bed, curled into a ball, and clutched my pillow. My thoughts turned to Leah, and the tall man at her table. His long, silky hair had seemed to glow in the light, golden with just a whisper of red. I couldn’t quite remember his features, only the expression which had puzzled me. And Leah’s laughter, clear like a bell. I buried my face in my pillow and shut my eyes tight, hiding the color that rose to my cheeks from no one.


	3. Chapter 3

2 // how near, how far

I sat up in bed and soft grey light flooded into my little house through the windows. The fire was still lit but it had burned down to only embers. I flung the blanket off of me and swung my legs out of bed, and added a log to the fire, poking it a bit to get it to catch. Raindrops pattered on the roof above my head. No need to water the crops today.

I let out a groan. I had planned to avoid going back into town for as long as I could. It felt as though everyone knew who I was while I still struggled to figure out who they were. One thing I missed about the city was the ability to blend in, to be no one. Here in Pelican Town, I was the farmer. Everyone knew where I lived and what I did for work even if they didn’t know my name. It felt natural to feel a little lonely in the city but the loneliness was different in the valley.

I switched on my tiny TV to check the weather while I made my bed, swept the floor and dusted my table and lonely chair. If it was dry outside I would have taken the rug out to beat out all the dust that had collected. For some reason, it had surprised me at first that farm work was messy work.

I had a bit of a headache from the past night’s drinks and I was dying for a cup of coffee. I picked up the canister on the table and gave it a shake. Empty. I bit my lip and whined to myself as I realized I’d have to go back into town sooner than I’d hoped. I poured myself a glass of water and decided a shower would help.

I twisted the knob, thankful that I at least had hot water. I sat down in the tub and curled up, letting the warm stream drum on my back. The water began to turn cold sooner than I would have hoped, so I stood, quickly washed and rinsed, and turned off the water. I reached for my towel and dried off before stepping out onto the hardwood floor. I gazed at my reflection in the mirror, thankful I didn’t look nearly as rough as I felt.

I quickly dressed, throwing on a big sweater and a pair of leggings since I didn’t have any outside work to do today. I pulled on my boots over thick wool socks, combed through my hair before tying it up in a bun and searching for my umbrella. Since I didn’t quite feel my best, I was thankful for a morning where I could start slowly instead of getting right to work. I stepped out onto the small porch overlooking the misty fields.

Much of the farm was still overgrown, despite the hours I spent clearing the land of years of downed tree branches and rocks. Dense patches of young trees I still needed to clear lingered here and there. I felt at the calluses that had developed on my hands before I could afford my pair of work gloves. It felt a little silly to be proud of what I’d accomplished when there was so much more to be done. But I was proud. My four small sections of growing crops danced under the softly falling rain. I took a deep breath, smiling as I realized I got to take my first Saturday off.

I hung around the house for a while, knowing Pierre’s wouldn’t be open for another hour. I wrote a list of the things I needed to buy for the farm and for myself, adding a few ‘want’ items at the bottom in case there was any money left over. I had a pathetically small amount of savings in an old milk bottle that I had resolved not to touch. I added a bit of money at a time after each harvest and subsequent sale. It was, at the very least, satisfying to hear the coins clink together as I dropped them in.

About half an hour later, I decided to walk into town, going the long way that passed Marnie’s ranch and Leah’s little house by the river. I listened to the pitter-patter of the rain on my umbrella along with the occasional larger drops falling from the leaves of the trees overhead. I kept my eyes toward the ground, looking for anything I could forage for food or some extra money. I stopped to pick a few dandelions and I heard soft footsteps on the path behind me.

“Hey, Farmer.” I stood and turned around to find a pair of smiling violet eyes.

“Oh, Hi, Leah.” I smiled back, a little nervously. “It sure is wet today, huh?” 

“Sure is," she laughed. Out foraging?” She stepped closer to see the dandelions in my hands. “Oh, those will go great in a salad.” She looked back up at me and her smile faltered. My stomach fluttered, remembering last night. “Um, sorry, this is a little embarrassing. Will you remind me what your name is?”

“Peach,” I said. “I was on my way into town, but I though't I'd take the long way since nothing’s open just yet.”

“Peach! I knew that I’m so sorry. Most everyone around has just been calling you ‘Farmer’ and I’m sure you must be sick of it. But I’m so bad with new names.” She twisted her long red braid through her fingers as she spoke, looking a little embarrassed.

“Hey, no worries,” I replied with a laugh, feeling a little more at ease. “I’m not very good with names either.” Leah laughed again, still tugging at her hair.

“So, Peach. If you have some time, you should definitely explore the forest. There’s a lot of wild onions growing out there this time of year. Just cross the bridge and keep walking south toward the coast. You can’t miss ‘em.” She smiled again, her eyes on the grass. “I wouldn’t blame you if you waited for the sun to come back out, though.”

“Thanks, Leah. I’ll have to make my way down there soon.” I wondered if Pierre had opened his doors for the day. “Well, I have some shopping to do. See you around?”

“Can’t avoid anyone in a town this small,” she grinned. “See ya, Peach!” She gave a friendly wave and walked back down the path towards her cottage and I followed the cobblestone path into town.

* * *

“It’s Farmer Peach!” cried Pierre as I entered the general store.

“Good morning, Pierre,” I replied with a slight smile. It was strange to hear everyone call me farmer considering I hadn’t been farming that long. It seemed I had the store to myself. I browsed the shelves slowly, happy to be in a heated room and out of the chilly rain. I perused the packets of spring seeds, trying to decide what to grow next. I’d done a lot of parsnips; the seeds were cheap and they grew quickly, but they didn’t sell for much. 

I considered the kale and cauliflower seeds, wondering how much of each I could afford. I’d never been very good at mental math. I sighed and selected six packets of cauliflower seeds and left the kale behind. The cauliflower seeds were more expensive, so I assumed the crops would be worth more when I sold them. I had no intention of visiting the JojaMart across the bridge, but I couldn’t help but wonder if the prices were really as low as some of the other folks in town claimed. I grabbed a canister of coffee and some instant oatmeal before I wandered over to the produce. The little bell above the door jingled.

“Good morning, Haley,” Pierre called from behind the counter. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the hood of a blue raincoat lift to reveal a cascade of long, golden blonde hair.

“Hi, Pierre. The Mullners needs some eggs. Alex asked me to bring them by.”

Haley brushed past me as she moved towards the counter. I realized I’d been holding my breath since I heard the bell above the door and released it slowly. I wondered what it was about this tiny town that had me feeling so tense all the time. I relaxed my shoulders, bent my neck from side to side and focused on breathing normally. I picked out a couple of apples, checking them thoroughly for bruises, and decided I’d probably have enough supplies for at least the weekend. I’d had enough of being in public for the day. Pierre finished with Haley’s transaction. She turned to leave and I found myself face to face with her.

“Oh, ‘scuse me. Sorry,” I stammered as I tried to make myself as small as I could against one of the shelves to allow her to pass. She rolled her eyes and walked past me out the door. I smiled awkwardly as I placed my selections on the counter for Pierre to ring in.

* * *

I made it inside just in time to escape the rain that suddenly fell in sheets and splashed against the windows of my house. I latched the screen door which had been blowing wildly in the wind and shut the front door behind me. I leaned my dripping umbrella against the wall. It had been raining hard for only a few minutes but I felt thoroughly soaked.

I added a log to the fire and pulled off my boots, setting them near the fireplace to dry. I unpacked my groceries into a footlocker which was my only means of storage. I glanced at my jar of coins on the table and sighed, wondering if I’d ever save enough to have a real kitchen. I filled my kettle at the bathroom sink and brought it over to the fire. I opened the new coffee canister and smelled the ground beans before scooping out a few spoons into a coffee filter. I set my pour over on top of my mug and sat on my bed while I waited for the kettle to warm.

I wasn’t sure what else to do today. I thought about Leah. I wondered if she went down to the forest today and got caught in that heavy rain. I wondered who she was talking to at the saloon last night. I certainly hadn’t seen him before, and I thought I’d remember if Emily had mentioned him. That face he made flashed back into my mind and Leah’s laugh replayed itself in my ears. I squeezed my eyes shut and buried my face in my crossed arms. What had he said? Why was I so sure it was something mean about me?

The kettle began to hum, distracting me from my thoughts. I pulled it away from the fire quickly. I didn’t think my ears could take the piercing squeal of the whistle. I slowly poured the hot water into the coffee grounds and watched the filter slowly drain into my cup. I placed the wet filter and used grounds into the empty coffee canister. I had once heard somewhere that coffee grounds were good for growing healthy plants. 

I turned on the TV and settled back into my bed, holding my mug in both hands while I waited for it to cool. The weatherman said the rain should clear overnight and it would be another sunny day tomorrow. I leaned back against my pillow, happy that I could get back to being productive first thing in the morning. I was excited to get my new seeds in the ground. I sipped my coffee and changed the channel. I watched a cooking show for a little while and wrote down a few ideas of things I could cook on the fire and some recipes to try if I ever managed to build a kitchen. 

I had finished my coffee and grown bored with the television, but I kept it on just to have some noise in the house. The day seemed to stretch on and on. Eventually, the grey sky outside the window began to darken. I wished I had a radio to play some music. Or a book to read. I smacked my forehead with my palm, remembering only now that Pelican Town had a library. I made a mental note to remember its existence the next time it rained.

* * *

The following days were mostly sunny and when it rained it was never so hard that I couldn’t keep to my regular work schedule. I made some time to go into the forest where I found a patch of salmonberry bushes and a multitude of wild onions, just as Leah had said. Selling them didn’t entirely fix my income situation but I was grateful for the slight increase in funds.

I planted more seeds as often as I could afford them, trying to get the most out of the season. The cauliflowers were sprouting nicely; I hoped the fertilizing mixture I’d concocted out of tree sap and coffee grounds was doing the trick. I lost a few green beans and parsnips to birds, so I planned a visit to Marnie’s to see if she could help me put together a scarecrow. 

Once the crops were watered on Thursday I walked down the wooded path, my bag on my shoulder filled with dried grass and an old flannel shirt I’d long ago ‘borrowed’ from my dad. Marnie was willing to give me an old burlap sack and she sold me the rest of the hay I needed to fill out the shirt. She sent me back home with a needle and thread, a marker, and a hammer to drive the post I’d gotten from Robin into the ground. 

I sewed the bottom of the shirt together so the grass and hay would stay inside, then folded the burlap in half and cut out more or less a head shape. I sewed around the edges of the burlap, turned it inside out and laid it flat. I used the marker to draw on a face and stuffed the head full of hay. Finally, I connected the head to the shirt and hung it on the t-shaped post I had driven into the ground in the center of my crops. The scarecrow wasn’t very tall and its head drooped to one side but I hoped it would at least keep the crows from eating any more plants.

I put the marker in my back pocket and carried the hammer back down to Marnie’s, practically skipping down the trail I now almost knew by heart. I’d been feeling very good the past couple of days. I spent most of my time focusing on clearing more patches of land and cutting down the young trees and underbrush that continuously threatened to take the land back over. I’d begun to learn to appreciate the small amount of progress I made each day. When I compared the farm now to three weeks ago, the difference was undeniable.

“Marnie?” I called when I opened the door and didn’t see her behind her desk. “I brought back your hammer and stuff.” 

“She went into town.” A little raven-haired girl peeked her head around the corner. She had big blue eyes and a serious expression on her face.

“Oh, that’s alright. I can leave her stuff here. Will you please tell her Peach came by?” The little girl nodded, shaking the bow on the top of her head. “You’re Jas, right? Marnie told me a little bit about you. And I know Shane... kind of. It’s nice to finally meet you.” I smiled and set the hammer and marker on Marnie’s desk.

“I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.”

“That’s a good policy.” I laughed. “Anyway, I just came by to drop this stuff off so I’m gonna get going.” I opened the door and took a step outside.

“Shane’s birthday is on Saturday. Did you know that?” I turned to look at Jas. She was still half-hidden in the doorway to Marnie’s kitchen.

“I’ll be sure to wish him a happy birthday. Thanks for letting me know, Jas.” The corners of the child’s mouth turned slightly upwards but the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. I shut the door and followed the trail back to the farm.


	4. Chapter 4

3 // southern skies

I hadn’t learned much about Shane during the times we sat drinking near each other at the saloon. He almost always arrived in his work uniform: a polo, khakis, and a threadbare Joja hoodie. He sat in the same seat at the bar next to the wall with a glass of the same beer in hand. I wasn’t sure if he went to the Stardrop every night, but he’d been there all of the nights I’d found myself having dinner at the bar. I could bet that’s where I’d find him.

I wasn’t sure why I felt so invested in Shane’s birthday. Part of it was that Jas had felt the need to tell me about it. Mostly, the guy just seemed sad and I hoped I might be able to make him smile. I thought about last weekend at the bar. The sound of his laugh had surprised me; it was so unexpected. And then he’d offered to walk me home. I had a suspicion there was a kind person underneath the scruffy, moody exterior. 

I finished the day’s work and went in to clean myself up before heading down to the Stardrop. I washed, brushed and dried my hair and settled on something to wear. None of my clothes were particularly fashionable, but folks in the valley seemed to do their own thing and not worry too much about what other people thought. I smiled, thinking of Emily’s bright blue hair, and her velvet dresses paired with clunky boots. I pulled on a pair of skinny jeans and a grey v-neck tee, stepped into my boots and grabbed my thick wool cardigan on the way out the door.

I walked briskly into town, glad I brought my sweater as the air had already begun to chill. I reached the saloon and pushed open the door. The place was much quieter than it had been last Friday but all the regulars were around already. Pam nursed a drink at the left end of the bar, Clint and Willy sat silently at their usual table, and there was Shane, sitting on his stool by the wall. He didn’t have on his full uniform today, but he still wore the blue Joja hoodie.

“Where’ve you been, farm girl?” Emily asked as I made my way up to the bar. 

“Oh, you know. Farming,” I replied with a smile. Instead of taking my usual seat at the corner, I slid into the seat next to Shane. As usual, he already had a drink in his hand. “So, Shane. What do you like besides beer? Whiskey, vodka...? You don't seem like a tequila guy.” Shane stared at me for a moment and shrugged.

“Pretty much whatever. Why?”

“Emily, can I get a beer and two shots of whiskey, please? Not from the well but like half a step up?” Shane looked bewildered. It was an improvement over his usual scowl. Emily poured the shots and my beer and set them down in front of me. I thanked her before I slid one of the shot glasses in front of Shane and held the other out between us. “I’d get you something nicer, but I’m pretty broke at the moment. Happy birthday.” 

Shane almost smiled. He raised his glass, tapped it gently against mine and we drank. I made a face as the alcohol rolled down my throat, its warmth spreading quickly all the way down to my stomach. I chased the heat away with a long drink of frosty beer. Shane leaned forward, resting his crossed arms against the bar. He twirled the empty shot glass in his left hand.

“I guess it is my birthday today. Thanks, Peach.” 

“No problem.” I was surprised he remembered my name. I wasn’t sure what to say next. I had only planned up until this point and I wasn’t even sure how I expected things to go. I took another long sip of beer. “So um. Sorry I was like… weird the other night.”

“Oh. No, that’s okay.” Shane set the shot glass down on the bar and leaned back in his stool. “Sorry I was kind of a dick to you before.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I half smiled and turned back to my beer.

“How do you like it so far? Here, I mean. Town.”

“It’s totally different from anywhere I've ever been before. In a good way. I think.” I ran my finger through the condensation on my glass and watched the tiny water droplets merge and run in a big drip down the edge of the glass. Shane chuckled dryly.

“I hated it here at first.” I turned to look at him, waiting to see if he’d go on. He glanced into my eyes for a split second before returning his gaze to his empty glass. “I guess the place has grown on me. Jas seems happier here, at least.”

We sat for a while, had another drink, but didn’t say much else. 

“So, neighbor.” I cleared my throat. “Can I walk you home?”

* * *

The night was chilly but a little humid. I had a feeling more rain was coming but I hadn’t bothered to check the weather. Shivering a bit, I pulled the sleeves of my sweater down over my hands, balling the ends up in my fists to try to keep the warm in. Shane and I walked a few paces apart. 

“How long have you been staying with Marnie at the ranch?”

“Couple years. Feels longer, sometimes.” We continued in silence for a bit before he asked, “How’d you know today’s my birthday?”

“Jas mentioned it a few days ago.” Shane raised his eyebrows. “I went by the ranch the other day to return some stuff I’d borrowed,” I explained. “Marnie wasn’t there and Jas told me she’d gone into town. I asked her to let her know I came by and left the stuff on her desk. I mentioned we’d met and she just kinda told me.” I shrugged.

“Huh. She usually doesn’t talk to strangers.”

“Oh yeah, she made that clear.” I laughed. “She seems like a good kid. Sweet.”

“Yeah. She’s shy.” Shane sighed. “Since we’ve been here though, she’s been coming out of her shell. She’s friends with one of Jodi’s kids, Vincent.”

“What about you?” I asked. My cheeks were warm against the chill in the air and I felt a little dizzy from the drinks. A few stars peeked through the thin wispy clouds blowing slowly over our heads. 

“What about me?” he asked. He pulled a flask out of his back pocket and brought it to his lips. When he’d finished he offered it to me. I shook my head and he returned the flask to his pocket.

“Um. I guess I meant, who are you friends with?” I crossed my arms, pulling my cardigan tighter around me. Shane was quiet for a moment as we slowly walked the path along the large fenced pasture at the edge of the ranch. The churning of the river seemed much louder in the quiet night.

“Emily, I guess? Gus?” he sighed. “I spend a lot of time at the bar. But you already know that.”

I shivered as a breeze suddenly whipped past us. The wind blew my hair around wildly. I pulled my hands out of my sleeves and giggled as I brushed the tangled locks out of my face.

“So how old did you turn today? Or... yesterday. What time is it?” 

“Twenty-eight.” He checked his watch. “And it’s almost one.” 

I groaned. “Think it’ll rain tomorrow? It’s gonna be so hard to get started in the morning.”

“I didn’t check the weather today. Feels like it might.” 

We walked along until we reached the ranch. Shane approached the front door and I lingered a moment to make sure he made it inside before I'd up the trail to the farm. He stood a moment in the open doorway before looking back at me, a dark shadow in the dim firelight streaming out from inside. 

“Thanks, Peach. This birthday… didn’t suck.” I laughed, louder than I’d meant to, and I heard Shane laughing quietly too. I waved goodbye and started up the path to my little house.

* * *

I was relieved when I awoke to the sounds of heavy raindrops on the window panes. I rolled over in bed, fluffing my pillow a bit. A dull throb radiated from the center of my brain to the backs of my eyes. I groaned. _Why did I do this to myself again?_ I half sat up and reached for the glass of water I’d left on the end table next to my bed. I groaned again, shut my eyes and eased myself back on my pillow, waiting for the room to stop spinning.

I stayed in bed for a long time, focusing most of my energy on not puking and the rest trying to make myself go back to sleep. Eventually, I was sure neither would happen and I finally sat up and drank my water. I flipped on the TV to check the weather and turned the volume almost all the way down. The rain would stick around until early Monday morning. 

Eventually, I slid out of bed, picked up my kettle, and went toward the bathroom sink. I looked worse than I felt. I gazed sadly at my reflection for a moment before washing my face and filling up my kettle. I stoked the fire, set the kettle down, and prepared a pour over. While I waited, I sliced up an apple, eating it slowly in small mouthfuls. I bitterly remembered just a few years ago when drinking more than I had last night left me feeling less terrible. Getting older sucked _._

With a blanket draped around my shoulders, I poured my coffee and brought it out onto the tiny covered porch to watch the rain. Other than the raindrops splashing on the roof over my head, everything was quiet and peaceful. The land I inherited was truly beautiful, if not still a bit wild. If I wanted to expand my farm It seemed I’d have to clear a small forest. There were a few small ponds on the property, swollen with the spring rain. I pulled my knees to my chest, wrapped the blanket around me and listened for a while.

I turned my head, thinking I’d heard something. I stayed perfectly still and listened. A tiny cry was coming somewhere from my right. I stood and approached the log rack. Something furry and grey had wedged itself in the small space between the top row of firewood and the cover of the rack. 

“Little kitten, what are you doing hiding in the woodpile?” I gasped. The cat mewed softly and sniffed the air.

I quickly went inside and dug through my trunk until I found a can of tuna I had bought a little while back and never ate. I opened the can and spooned some of the fish on a plate and went back out to the woodpile. I picked up a piece between my thumb and forefinger and held it up to the gap between the wood and the rack. 

“Come on baby, you must be hungry.” The kitten sniffed and almost immediately rushed forward and snatched the bit of fish before taking a few steps back to eat it. She finished her bite, licking her lips hungrily. She raised her tiny face toward me and let out another little cry. I smiled and offered her another piece. 

It wasn’t long before she ventured out of the woodpile and ate the rest of the fish off the plate. She purred happily and rubbed her face on my knee. I opened the door to let the kitten inside and she made herself at home by the fire. I sat on the floor next to her, gently rubbing behind her tiny ears. I decided to call her Twiggy since I found her in the firewood. I let her come and go as she pleased, but most nights I’d find her curled up in front of the fire or sleeping at the foot of my bed.


	5. Chapter 5

4 // lazuli

Monday morning was bright and sunny, just as the weatherman predicted, and I was happy to settle back into my daily routine. I made my bed and tidied up while I waited for the kettle. I drank a cup of coffee and ate a bowl of oatmeal with sliced apples before tackling the outside chores. After the rain, the crops didn’t need much attention but I checked every plant, happy to see them growing quickly and healthily. I beamed with the anticipation of another harvest day. Once I finished outside, I went in to clean myself up. I planned to walk down to the Stardrop to eat lunch and visit with Emily. 

It was a beautiful day. The air had been growing warmer as summer grew closer, the grass and trees growing greener every day. The breeze blew through flowering trees and petals floated through the air before coming to rest on the earth. As I entered town, I saw Mayor Lewis in front of Pierre’s adding something to the public calendar. I crossed the town square at an angle and pushed open the door to the saloon. Emily met me at my regular seat.

“Hey, Peach. Gus made parsnip soup today unless you want the usual.”

“Soup sounds good,” I replied. “Can I get a glass of water too, please?”

“Sure thing.” Emily went through the double doors to the kitchen. 

I looked around the empty saloon. It seemed, if nothing else, I’d become good at keeping my distance from almost everyone in town. Emily returned with a bowl of soup. She set it in front of me and filled a glass with water.

“The Flower Dance is Wednesday. Are you coming?” she asked with a smile.

“This is the first I’ve heard about it.”

“Oh, we do it every year. There’s this clearing to the west of Cindersap forest. Granny Mullner decorates it with bunches of flowers, Gus brings food and drinks. Everyone in town comes.”

“And there’s dancing?” I thought about it for a moment. “Thanks for letting me know about it but I don’t know if I–”

“Come on. You can’t keep avoiding everyone in town.” She crossed her arms. She still wore a smile but her tone was on the verge of annoyed.

“I’m not avoiding everyone. I’m working on the farm like ninety percent of the time and… I don’t know.”

“Shane will be there.” She prompted.

“And?”

“I’m just saying he’d probably be glad if you went.” She flipped her hair casually. I thought I knew what she was trying to imply.

“Emily. I barely know the guy. We’ve had like half a conversation.” 

“Okay, so you can have the other half of your conversation at the dance.” I considered it for a moment.

“Do I like… actually have to dance?”

“Oh, there's this one group dance but it’s like a couples thing. Like a traditional folk dance. You can totally skip that part. Unless you find a partner.” She wiggled her eyebrows and I buried my face in my hands and groaned.

“I feel like if I say no you’re gonna show up at the farm and drag me there anyway.”

“I wouldn’t put it past me,” she laughed. “So what are you going to wear?”

“I don’t know. What does everyone else wear?”

“The women wear white dresses, the men get to wear whatever they have that’s nice.”

“There’s a problem,” I sighed. “I don’t have a dress.”

“Not at all? Not a single dress?”

“I didn't bring any along when I left the city. I’m a farmer now, why would I need a dress?”

Emily laughed in disbelief. “To feel pretty?” I shrugged and ate a spoonful of soup. I didn’t really know what to say. I’d never been particularly interested in clothes. I knew what I liked but when I had to dress up I usually aimed for adequate, not pretty. “Come to my house tomorrow morning. I think I have something you can wear.”

* * *

I knocked at the door of 2 Willow Lane and took a step back, hoping I wasn’t too early. I heard the sound of footsteps on the other side and the door swung open. I was surprised to see Haley. 

“Oh. Hi, I was looking for Emily. Am I at the wrong house?”

“She’s my sister.” Haley rolled her eyes. “Are you coming in?” She held the door open and I walked past her into the house. “Emily!” she shouted. “There’s a farmer here for you.” Haley looked me up and down, smirked, and sauntered off into another room.

Their living room was cozy, with a big red couch and living chair around a large coffee table cluttered with magazines and a few empty cups. There was a tall bookcase in the corner, a computer desk and potted plants here and there. I thought about sitting but decided against it. I lingered near the door. Emily appeared from a hallway to the right.

“Peach!” She beamed. “I honestly thought you might not come but I’m so glad you’re here. I found the perfect dress for you.” Emily took my hand and led me down the hall, past the kitchen and into her room. The dress was draped across the bed. “I have a few other options, in case you hate it but I really think this is the one.” She backed out of the room. “Go ahead and try it on. Call me when you’re dressed, I'll see if I need to take it in a bit. You’re so little.” She closed the door.

I walked over to the bed and sat down to take off my boots. I slid out of my jeans and pulled off my sweater, leaving them in a heap on the floor. I stepped into the dress, gently pushed my arms through the sleeves, and fastened the zipper. The material was light and soft. A layer of transparent, dotted lace overlaid a thicker layer of fabric that made up the skirt which fell to just above my knees. The long lacy sleeves hung loose before they cuffed at the wrist. I turned to see myself in the mirror. I felt silly standing there in a lovely dress and a pair of wool socks. 

“Emily? You can come back.” The door opened almost immediately.

“Look. At. You.” Emily grinned. “I knew it, it's perfect.”

“Is the neckline a little too low?”

“I think it might be if your boobs were bigger. If you’re uncomfortable, though I can sew this little bit together right here.” She approached me and pinched the bit fabric together and pinned it in place. “Just a touch more modest. What do you think?” 

I smiled and gazed in the mirror again as I turned from side to side. “I love it. Thank you so much, Emily.”

“Don’t even worry about it. Now let’s see.” she pinched in a bit of loose fabric around my waist. “I don’t think we’ll need to take it in if we can find you a sash.” She opened a drawer in her dresser and rummaged around a moment before pulling out a wide spool of baby blue ribbon. She wrapped the ribbon around my waist to measure and cut a length off of the spool. She tied a neat bow at my back before stepping back to admire her work. Then she noticed my socks.

“Oh, right. Shoes.” Emily reached for a bag at the foot of her bed. “I figured you didn’t have anything that would match so I borrowed these from Abigail. She’s about your height so I hope they fit.” She presented me with a pair of white, strappy sandals. I pulled off my socks and tried them on. I leaned down to fasten the buckle at each ankle praying I didn’t wrinkle the dress. I stood back up.

“Well?” I asked.

“You tell me, hon.” She turned me to face the mirror again. I had to admit, I didn’t look bad. I grinned at my reflection. Emily laughed and squeezed my shoulders. “Told you. Perfect.”

I changed back into my own clothes, laying the dress back down on Emily’s bed. She planned to sew the neckline and bring the dress by the farm so we could get ready for the festival together. 

“I’ll figure out something to do with your hair,” she said. “You’re gonna look so pretty tomorrow.”

I thanked her again as she walked me to the front door.

“Don’t mention it, Peach. This was fun. I’ll meet you at your place in the morning.”

The door shut behind me and I walked north through the town square, passing Mrs. Mullner who watered the spring flowers she’d planted in the community garden. Penny walked by with Vincent and Jas in tow, on their way to the library. I took a deep breath. The spring air smelled like flowers and grass. I tried to ignore how fast my heart was beating and made my way back to the farm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi (: If you're reading this, thanks so so much for bearing with me for these first few chapters, I know they haven't been particularly exciting. However, now that all that background info is out of the way, ~things~ can happen. I hope you enjoy what's next <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains spoilers for Shane's two heart event. I do not claim ConcernedApe's work as my own.

5// i'll be around

I woke extra early the next morning, wondering if I’d even been asleep. I rubbed my eyes and sat up in bed, knowing I needed to get the farm work done earlier than usual today. I put my boots on, not bothering to change out of my pajamas before going outside to fetch my watering can. I smiled at my silly little scarecrow.

“You’re doing a good job, little buddy.”

I filled Twiggy’s water bowl, watered the crops, and pulled a few weeds. A few green beans were ready to harvest, so I walked back to the house to grab a basket. I wanted to prepare the day's shipment before heading out to the forest. My stomach did a little flip as I remembered Emily would be there soon. I quickly but carefully plucked the green beans from their stems and placed them in my basket. As I walked up the porch steps, I saw Emily a little way down the path. Fuck. I brought the basket inside and set it down on the table. I usually kept the place pretty tidy, but it didn’t take much to mess up such a small room. I reached for my blanket and pulled it up over the bed, fluffed my pillow a few times, and rested it neatly against the headboard. I hoped a made bed would make things seem a little less messy.

I took the basket of green beans to the sink in the bathroom to give them a quick rinse. I figured I could let them dry while I got ready and drop them in the shipping box on our way to the dance. I needed to hurry, Emily would be here any minute. I set the damp basket of green beans on the table and rushed back into the bathroom. I’d been so worried about the crops and the state of my house I had neglected to do anything about myself. 

I quickly washed my face and ran a brush through my hair. There was a crease at the crown of my head from having my hair up all night. I looked down at my hands, scowling at the dirt around my nails. Why had I agreed to go to this thing? I scrubbed my hands with soap and warm water, hoping they’d eventually be clean. Checking the mirror again, I realized there was no way I could go to the dance without taking a shower first. Emily knocked on the screen door.

“Peach? It’s me.”

“Hey, Emily,” I called, leaving the bathroom to push the screen door open so she could come inside. “Sorry, the place is a wreck. Also, I am a wreck. I really need to take a shower.”

“Relax, girl. We have plenty of time. My job will be easier if your hair’s wet anyway.”

“Okay. Please, um, make yourself comfortable. I have a TV,” I gestured toward the travel-sized television on my nightstand and smiled nervously. I opened my trunk and grabbed some clean underwear, an oversized hoodie, and a pair of cotton shorts. “I’ll be quick”

I closed the bathroom door and turned on the hot water. I threw my clean clothes in a pile on the floor and pulled off my pajamas, leaving them in a separate heap on the floor. I stepped into the stream of water and breathed in the steamy air. The house may have been small, but the plumbing was in good condition and I had great water pressure. I let the stream of water massage my scalp, soaking my hair before I shampooed and conditioned it. I scrubbed my body clean, rinsed, and turned the water off. I had felt much calmer after I was clean. I pulled on my hoodie and shorts and stepped into the main room. Emily had laid out a bag on the table and hung two dresses on the curtain rod above my bed. She held a towel in her hands.

“Have a seat, please. She grinned. I lowered myself into the chair and she wrapped the towel around my shoulders. Then I noticed she was also holding a pair of scissors.

“Um, Emily? What are you planning to do?”

“Nothing too drastic, I promise. Just a little trim.” 

“When you said you’d do my hair I thought you meant you’d braid it or something.” Emily put her hands on my shoulders.

“Sorry, Peach, you’re totally right. I probably shouldn’t have sprung this on you, I just got really excited. Let me tell you what I have planned and you decide if we go for it. Please keep in mind, though, I’m the one who cuts Haley’s hair.” I thought about that rainy day at Pierre’s, the long, shiny blonde hair cascading down as Haley lowered the hood of her coat. 

“Tell me what you have in mind.”

* * *

When Emily finished drying my hair, she stepped into the bathroom to get dressed so I could use the main room to change. My only mirror was in the bathroom so I couldn’t see myself yet, but my head felt a bit lighter. I pulled the gauzy dress over my head, gently pulled the delicate sleeves over my arms, and smoothed the skirt around my legs. I zipped the dress and put on the strappy white sandals. I was happy to see the neckline didn’t seem nearly as low as it had the day before. Emily was right; the subtle alteration had made a huge difference and I felt much more comfortable.

“Come out whenever you’re ready, Emily,” I called. She emerged in an ivory babydoll dress with an empire waist and short lacy sleeves paired with strappy skin-tone wedges. “You look amazing!”

“Thanks, Peach.” Emily grinned. “But we’re not done yet.” Emily sat me back in the chair and pulled out a makeup bag. “Your skin already looks great so we’ll just do a little thing or two.”

Emily brushed some blush on my cheeks and applied a bit of shimmery eyeshadow and mascara. She handed me a few lip tints to choose from. I selected a rosy mauve shade and dabbed it on my lips using Emily’s compact while she worked on her own, much more elaborate makeup. 

I finally had an opportunity to see what Emily had done to me. I went into the bathroom and was stunned. My hair was cut bluntly just below my collarbones. Emily had styled it in loose waves that flattered the shape of my face. I could have cried. I didn’t think I’d ever looked this good before. I opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a bottle of perfume I almost never wore. I sprayed my left wrist and touched the excess liquid to my right wrist and the back of my neck. I returned to the main room and beamed at Emily. She grinned back at me.

“I don’t know how to even begin to thank you.”

“No need at all. I mean, you’re welcome,” she said with a shrug. “But everyone deserves to feel pretty every now and then, you know?” She stood up from her seat and pulled the baby blue ribbon out of her bag and tied it around my waist. “Ready to go?” I smiled.

“Yeah, I think I am. You've convinced me this might actually be fun.”

Before we set off for Cindersap Forest, I set my basket of green beans in the shipment box. The lid closed with a thud and we were on our way, headed south through an unused portion of the field and then the wooded path past the ranch. Before we reached the clearing we could hear the music drifting through the trees. When we arrived it was just as lovely as Emily had described. There were flowers everywhere. A table covered in white linen was laid out with food and drink, and groups of mingling people stood around the whole area talking and laughing.

“Emily,” I swallowed. “I’m nervous again.”

“Take a deep breath. This is just like going to the saloon except it’s outside and everyone’s dressed up.”

“And Demetrius and Robin won’t be the only ones dancing?” I smiled.

“Exactly. And I’m here too, so it’s not like you’ll be alone. Just come talk to me if you need anything.” Emily linked her elbow with mine and we walked into the clearing together.

Pierre had set up a little stand where he was selling a variety of flower arrangements and potted plants. I lingered there for a minute while Emily went to greet her sister. I saw Shane, Pam, and Gus by the food and drinks and walked over. 

“Well hello, Peach,” Gus said. “Come on over here. Can I fix you a plate? Something to drink maybe?” 

“Gus, you’re not at work. It’s a party, relax a little.” Pam said in a gruff voice. She leaned toward me, patting my wrist with a plump, wrinkled hand. “Now don’t you look sweet, honey. Just lovely.”

“Thank you, Pam.” My cheeks were warm but I smiled. 

“Don’t be bashful, hon. Come get somethin’ to drink.” She guided me over to the table and put a glass of white wine in my hand. “This is the life kid. Sweet wine, warm air, and good company. Don’t be afraid to loosen up a little,” she winked.

“Thanks, Pam. I’ll try.”

It seemed just about the entire town had turned up to the clearing. Shane leaned against a tree sipping beer out of a plastic cup. He caught my eye and offered a quick nod. I wondered if I’d ever seen him without a drink in his hand. Emily talked to Haley and Alex nearby. Mayor Lewis stood in the corner talking to Marnie and a man with grey hair I didn’t recognize. Vincent and Jas chased each other around the grass, weaving their way around the clumps of adults enjoying the warm day and cheerful conversation. I sipped my wine and took a few steps toward the river. A breeze carried with it the smell of flowers and fresh food. I closed my eyes and enjoyed sensing it all for a moment. 

“Peach?” I jumped. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. I’m so happy you came! You look really pretty.”

“Oh, no I’m sorry. I kinda zoned out for a second. Thank you, Leah.” I smiled. “Emily did all of it.” I gestured to myself and smiled. “You look gorgeous.” Her dress was simple but elegant, and her deep red hair was free of its usual braid, falling to her waist in rippling waves.

“Have you been here long? We just arrived.” I suddenly realized Leah wasn’t alone. A tall man stood a few steps behind her. He wore a dark red jacket and a white button-up shirt with no tie. His hair, golden with a hint of strawberry, fell a bit past his shoulders. It looked silky and soft. It was him. My stomach did a flip. “Oh, I don’t think you two have met, have you?” Leah asked. “Peach, this is Elliott.” Elliott stepped forward, a slight smile on his face, and held out his hand.

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Peach.” I shook his hand. 

“It’s very nice meeting you, too.” I didn’t know what else to say so I took a sip of my wine. Leah eyed the glass in my hand.

“That looks good, I’m going to grab some. Want anything, Elliott?”

“A glass of red?” He smiled.

“Be right back.” Leah made her way to the drink table, dodging Vincent and Jas as they ran by. I turned back to face the water, trying to breathe normally. 

“I remember how I felt at my first Flower Dance,” Elliott said. I looked around to see who he was talking to before I realized he was looking at me. His deep-set eyes were a brilliant hazel green. His brow was heavy but still somehow delicate. “It was only a year ago, so it’s still fresh.” He chuckled.

“I guess it’s a bit nerve-racking,” I replied. “I haven’t lived here long so I don’t really know too many people.” I sipped my wine. I wasn’t sure if he was just being polite or if he actually wanted to have a conversation. We stood in silence for a while, both of us watching the river flow by. 

“Do you have a dance partner?”

“S-sorry?” I asked, not sure if I had heard him correctly.

“Will you be dancing with anyone today?” He smiled.

“Are you asking me to dance?” I blurted. I immediately wished I hadn’t and turned back to face the water.

“Oh... No.” I could feel the color rising to my cheeks again. I couldn’t bear to look at him. Leah’s laughter echoed in my mind. An endless outpouring of apologies threatened to burst out of me when an arm suddenly wrapped around my shoulder.

“Good, cause she’s dancing with me.” I looked at Shane, stole a quick glance at Elliott and I wished I could just jump into the river and float away.

“I’m here with Leah.” He said, giving Shane a cold look. “It was lovely meeting you, Peach.” Elliott walked towards the refreshments where Leah stood talking to Gus. Shane watched him for a moment and let his arm fall back to his side.

“Well that was awkward as hell,” he said. My cheeks burned and my mind was whirling.

“Can I go home? I can’t stay here.”

“Hey. I promise that wasn’t a big deal.” His grey eyes were gentle and sincere. He took my glass out of my hand. “Wait here just a second. I’ll get Emily and bring you another drink.” Barely a minute later, Emily was at my side.

“Shane told me what happened. Aw, Peach, It’s okay,” she brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “You don’t need to worry about it. Elliott is a huge weirdo.”

“I’m so stupid,” I whispered. “I just…”

“I get it.” Emily smiled at me and squeezed my hand. “We all say the wrong thing sometimes.” She paused. “And it doesn’t help that he’s gorgeous.”

“He is, though,” I groaned. Inexplicably, I started laughing.

“Not to change the subject, but I heard you have a dance partner.” Emily grinned.

“Yeah, I guess I do.” So much for avoiding dancing. Shane had come back and he placed a fresh glass of wine in my hands.

“Sorry, Emily, it just kind of happened.” I glanced between Emily and Shane. “Oh. We usually do this together,” he explained. “It makes this whole thing a little less weird.”

“No worries, Shane. Let me go find someone really quick and we can show Peach the steps.” She scanned the crowd for a moment and seemed to decide quickly. “Be right back. Don’t go home.” Shane elbowed me gently.

“Chin up, kid.” He half-smiled. “The dance is really easy. I’ll do all the work.” I took a deep breath and a deeper drink of wine. Emily returned shortly after, dragging a tall, bespectacled man across the clearing by the cuff of his dark green blazer.

“That was easy enough,” she said, slightly out of breath. “Doc, have you met Peach?”

“I can’t say that I have,” the man smiled beneath his neatly groomed mustache. A wave of brown hair fell across his brow. The skin around his eyes crinkled a bit and his cheeks were rosy. He reached out to shake my hand. “I’m glad to meet you, Peach. I’m Harvey, the local doctor.” 

“It’s nice to meet you too.” I took his hand and smiled timidly.

“Okay let’s show Peach the dance, we don’t have too much time left,” Emily said, taking Harvey’s hands and leading him a few steps away. 

The dance seemed to be a mixture of a waltz with a sort of folk traditionalism woven in. I heard Demetrius say the tradition dated back to ancient fertility rituals, but it felt more like some weird, small-town debutante thing. Apparently only the unmarried people in town participated in the dance, provided they’d found a partner. I watched Harvey and Emily run through all the steps before Shane took my hands in his and we gave it a try. He was a surprisingly graceful dancer. I was not. I tripped over my own feet more than once but Shane was quick to guide me into the next step. 

The time had come for the real dance to begin and all those participating took their places in two lines across the grass. To my surprise, my apprehension had mostly melted away. I was actually having fun. I took a place at the end of the girls’ line across from Shane, with Emily to my left. Leah and Elliott joined the lines next to Emily and Harvey. I couldn’t look in that direction without reliving my embarrassment so I didn’t see who else had paired up. I smiled at Shane. He smiled back and the music started.

* * *

The sun had begun to set and people filtered out of the clearing in the woods to head back to town. Emily, Shane, Harvey, and I lingered behind for a while.

“Peach, I’m pretty sure Shane just carried you through that last turn,” Emily laughed.

“He definitely did,” I giggled. “If he hadn’t I would have been on the ground.”

“Well, I guess I’ll be heading home,” Harvey said, stretching his long arms above his head. 

“I’ll walk with you,” Emily said. “Bye Peach, bye Shane!”

I dashed over to Emily and threw my arms around her. “Bye, Emily. Thank you for everything today. I’ll bring your stuff back to you the next time I’m in town.”

“No worries, Peach,” she smiled. “See you soon!”

I waved goodbye to Harvey and the two of them set off on the path through the woods back to town. Shane and I walked together a little ways behind them. Eventually, we arrived at the large forest pond. I could see Marnie’s ranch peeking through the trees on the other side of the water. There was a little wooden dock that stretched out to the center of the pond. I followed the pond around its west side and Shane followed. I walked out to the edge of the dock and sat down, leaning my right shoulder against one of the supporting posts that stuck up out of the water. 

Shane stood next to me, both of us looking out over the water in silence. Shane pulled his flask out of his back pocket, took a drink, and offered it to me. I swallowed a mouthful of whiskey and returned the flask. Shane sighed. I leaned back, resting my palms on the dock behind me and looked up at him.

“You okay?”

“Hmm? Yeah, fine.” He replied. He stood quietly for a minute before he sat down next to me and crossed his legs, flask still in hand. “Do you ever feel like you’re doomed to fail, no matter what you do?”

“Honestly?” I looked into his glassy, grey eyes. “Most days.” I reached for the flask and took another long drink. I would have rather been hung over the next morning than for Shane to drink any more that night.

Shane chuckled. “Woman after my own heart.” I screwed the lid on tight and set the flask on the dock behind us.

“I probably shouldn’t drink as often as I have been lately. It makes me feel like shit in the morning.”

“I know what you mean.” His eyes met mine again for a moment before he looked down at the water. “Bad habit.” We sat and listened to the forest around us for a little while.

“Shane?” I turned to face him. “How are you really?” He sighed again and laid back on the dock, staring at the purple evening sky.

“I feel like I’m stuck in a pit so deep that the brightest light could shine down into it and never reach me.” His voice was flat. “And there’s no hope of ever climbing out. How are you?”

“Sometimes, I feel like my entire existence is a huge joke and I’m the only one who’s not in on it.” I sighed.

Shane sat up “You’ve got a future here, Peach. The farm, you know?”

“Farm.” I laughed. “It’s more like a garden.” I drummed my fingers on the wood of the dock. “Hey, Shane?”

“Yeah?”

“I just want to know you can talk to me when you’re, you know, in the dark. I can’t promise I’ll be much help but I can listen. If you need it.”

“Thanks, Peach.” We sat together in silence as the evening darkened into night.

“I think I’m gonna take a break from drinking for a while.” Shane didn’t answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. It only took six chapters, but we've finally met both Harvey & Elliott (:


	7. Chapter 7

6 // keep me in mind

Spring melted into the sticky heat of summer. After my last harvest of the season, I’d earned enough to build a silo. Luckily, it was subsidized by Pelican Town’s agricultural fund so I was able to add a little to my savings too. I had plenty of materials for the build since I’d been spending more time clearing the overgrown land instead of drinking with Shane in the saloon. I looked forward to the project's completion. Soon I could start collecting stores of food so I would be ready when I was able to afford a chicken coop.

I planted blueberries, peppers, and tomatoes, and I tilled a section of land in front of the house for a small flower garden. I planted two small fields of wheat and corn, which would grow into the next season so I could expand them at my own pace over the next few months. Each day after I watered the crops, I would make more room to plant, moving rocks and digging out weeds and saplings. I was determined to turn Willowbrook into what I’d begun to truly believe it could be.

It was easier to work in the semi-dark mornings than during the bright, hot afternoons. I’d finally visited the library, so I would have some entertainment when I was forced to retreat to my tiny farmhouse around midday. I had opened all the windows to allow fresh air to flow in, and I hung curtains to keep out the sunlight. It was almost unbearable to light the fire, even to cook. Luckily, I was able to afford some extra seeds at Pierre’s and began growing fresh food for myself, and weekly trips to town for groceries supplemented the wild food I was able to forage. My savings were growing slowly but steadily. I had begun to believe that I could really build a sustainable life on the farm. Everything seemed to be going okay.

I ventured down to the beach after I’d finished my work one afternoon, toting an old bamboo fishing pole that Willy had given me when I first moved to town. I hadn’t had much time to use it yet, but I thought if I could start catching fish instead of buying it, I could put more money back into the farm. My bag, filled with a towel, sunscreen, an apple, and a book, thudded against my hip as I walked through town. I took a right turn past the cemetery, waving to Mayor Lewis in his garden as I passed his house on the left. A cool breeze blew past, and I held my sun hat so it wouldn’t fly off my head.

I crossed the bridge over the southern fork of the river and made my way towards the water. The salty air felt full with the unremitting rhythm of the waves rolling up onto the beach. The sandy shore was small and entirely empty. I couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to come down here. As I did when I visited any beach, I kicked off my shoes and began scanning the sand for seashells. I walked across the beach to my right, my sandals dangling from my left pointer finger, and found a few oyster and clam shells. Small piles of driftwood were stacked here and there along the dunes. A large pile blocked a sandy continuation of the shore to the west. The landscape became gradually rockier before rising into tall cliffs.

I followed the edge of the water towards the pier, letting the water roll over my feet. As each wave retreated, so did the displaced sand under my feet. I had always enjoyed the sensation of being pulled gently downward into the earth. I took another breath of salty air and turned towards the pier. I hadn’t noticed before, but there was a tiny cabin situated just to the right of the trail I’d taken to get here. It was surrounded by short palm-like plants and a very old looking rowboat that had been flipped upside down. A path of flat stones led up to the door. It was a lovely little house, if not a bit rickety. 

I walked out to the edge of the pier and set down my shoes, bag, and fishing rod. I pulled out my towel, letting it unfurl in the breeze before I folded it in half and laid it out on the gnarled wood of the dock. I sat on the towel and dangled my right leg off the edge of the pier, my left leg crossed beneath it. I bit off a small chunk of my apple. I removed the piece from my mouth and attached it to the hook on the end of my line. I wondered if it would even work as I dropped my baited hook into the water.

All I had to do was wait. I pulled my book out of my bag and laid it open next to me on the pier, using the shells I had found as weights to keep the pages from blowing in the constant breeze. I read and ate a few bites of my apple, holding the fishing rod as still as I could. Even if I couldn’t catch ocean fish with a piece of apple, I’d still consider the day a success. The sound of the water as it endlessly ebbed and flowed, punctuated by the occasional call of a gull, relaxed me. 

I felt a small movement on my line and pulled it out of the water too soon. There was no fish on the hook, and I’d lost my bait. At the very least, I knew an apple had the potential to attract a fish. I bit off another piece of apple and gently pushed it onto the hook. I dropped the line back into the water with a plop. As I turned the page of my book, I heard footsteps behind me. 

“Good afternoon, Peach.” I whipped around in surprise.

“Oh!” My heart beat too quickly in my chest. I tried to sound casual. “Hi, Elliott.” 

“It’s been some time since we last met.” He smiled down at me. “What are you reading?” My cheeks flushed as I looked down at the opened book and back up at Elliott. 

“I would rather not say.”

“You can tell me, Elliott laughed softly. “I promise not to judge.”

“My Sweet Audrina by V.C. Andrews.” I admitted. “I swear I read other things too.”

“I’m not familiar with that one.” Elliott smiled. “May I join you for a moment?” He stepped a bit closer. 

“I don’t mind.” I almost whispered the words. I felt like I couldn’t quite catch my breath. Elliott sat down, my book and half-eaten apple between us. He wore a red and white gingham shirt, the long sleeves rolled to his elbows, tucked into grey pants. The brown leather of his belt and shoes matched precisely. Shoes on the beach. Emily had been right; this guy was kinda weird.

“Is it a good story?” he asked.

“That depends,” I replied.

“On?”

“The kind of stories you like.” I hesitated. “It’s about a girl, Audrina, who is named after her older sister who died. Her parents don’t let her go to school or know what day it is. They constantly take her to visit the first Audrina’s grave and make her sit in a rocking chair in her dead sister’s bedroom so she’ll become more like her. Her aunt and cousin also live with her family in this big, old house. The cousin, Vera, is…” I searched for the right word. “Twisted. Well, everyone else is twisted. Vera is depraved.”

“It sounds utterly macabre.” Elliott raised an eyebrow.

“Guilty pleasure,” I shrugged. “I like that as the mystery unfolds it raises even more questions.”

I felt a tug on my fishing line. Not small nibbles like before. The rod bent towards the water with a jolt. I stood up and pulled a small, wriggling, red fish out of the water and lifted it over the pier. I grinned at Elliott.

“I caught this with a piece of apple!” I was so excited about my catch I had almost forgotten how self-conscious I had felt only moments before. I examined the fish a little more closely as it wiggled at the end of the line. “Not big enough to eat, is it?” I asked.

“Not quite.” Elliott appeared mildly amused. “I’m sure Willy will buy it from you.”

“Do you think he’d trade me for some actual bait?”

“I think he might if you asked,” he said. The fish shop was across the water on the opposite dock, just a quick walk away.

“Elliott? Sorry to ask this, but would you mind watching my stuff for a second?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said. He held up a pocket-sized notebook and a pen and turned to face the ocean. 

I walked down the pier and around the adjacent dock to Willy’s and pushed open the door. Willy showed me how to remove the hook from the fish’s mouth and taught me how to clean the fish. He then took his knife and sliced the fish into smaller pieces. He put them in a bag with a few ice cubes and handed it to me. 

“Here’s your bait, kid.” I smiled and thanked him.

I returned to the pier ready to try to catch a bigger fish. Elliott was still there, intently scribbling something in his notebook. I sat cross-legged on my towel and baited my hook. Elliott glanced over, hearing the small splash as I dropped the end of the line into the water. I smiled.

“Thanks for watching my stuff. Are you drawing?”

“I’m outlining an idea for a novel I’ve been writing.” He replied.

“I didn’t know you’re a writer,” I said. I felt silly when I realized I didn’t know anything about him at all. Elliott smiled.

“I’m trying to be. I moved to Pelican Town last year to write full time.” 

He seemed about to say something else. Instead, he turned to face the water and continued writing in his notebook. His brow furrowed and a frown crossed his lips but his eyes were bright, inspired. A strand of his long hair caught in a breeze and fell gently across his cheek. His eyes never left the page as he reached up to tuck it behind his ear. Elliott seemed to glow golden in the sunlight. I realized I’d been staring and looked back at my book. 

I caught two fish and had begun to bait my line a third time when Elliott closed his notebook. He looked at a watch on a chain he had pulled from his pocket, rose to his feet, and dusted off his pants. “Well, I must be going. I have plans to meet Leah for dinner at the saloon.”

“Oh,” I tried not to look disappointed. “I hope you both have a good time. It was good to see you again, Elliott.”

“Lovely to see you as well, Peach.” he smiled and began to walk up the pier to the beach. He turned and waved. “Until we meet again.”

I waved back before I turned to face the ocean again. I tried hard not to feel the fluttering in my stomach. I thought about him with Leah and wondered how long they had been together. The late afternoon air seemed to have suddenly gone cold. I pulled my line out of the water, tossing the bait back in. It was immediately swallowed by a fish who was too smart to bite my hook. I rolled up my towel and placed it in my bag before I packed my book, shells, and fish. I slipped my sandals on, slung my fishing rod over my shoulder, and began my walk back to the farm.

The sun had just set when I returned to the little farmhouse. I walked inside and set down my things. I rinsed the two fish I caught before placing them on some old newspaper I had spread on the table. I cleaned the fish as Willy had shown me earlier that afternoon. I skewered and seasoned them with what few spices I had and cooked them on the fire. Twiggy enjoyed our meal much more than I did. When we finished, the two of us curled up in bed. I closed my eyes and waited for exhaustion to silence my thoughts.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains spoilers for Shane's six heart event. Plot points in this chapter are heavily based on game canon. I do not claim ConcernedApe's work as my own.

7 // weird fishes

On a sunny afternoon, I set out into the forest hoping to forage more food. I had spent a bit too much on expanding my sections of corn and wheat. I didn’t want to pull from my savings to feed myself unless it was absolutely necessary. Spring had spoiled me with an abundance of wild onions and salmonberries and the forest in summer felt empty in comparison. Even so, I was able to find the occasional spice berry or fiddlehead fern. Anything was better than nothing.

A strong wind picked up as I approached the southern coast and I heard a rumble of thunder. A vast wall of dark clouds was approaching from the sea. I made up my mind to head back to the farm when I turned and saw someone sitting near the edge of the cliff on the opposite side of the river. I recognized his short dark hair.

“Shane?” I called but he didn’t seem to hear me. He stared out over the water, watching the oncoming storm. I felt in my gut that something was wrong. I needed to get to him but there was no direct path. I crossed the bridges that connected the two river banks to a small island in the middle. I turned to the south and followed the rushing current to where I had seen him.

“Hey, Shane.” I walked towards where he sat. “The weather’s getting bad, we should probably…” His right hand rested on an empty glass bottle. I gently touched his shoulder. “Shane?”

“Peach,” He slurred and tried to stand, unsteady. “What– ”

“No, no, don’t get up. I don’t want you to fall.” His half-closed eyes were glassy and there was a strong smell of liquor on his breath. “What did you do?” I whispered.

The wind whipped around us in powerful gusts. I needed to get him out of there but there was no way I could carry him. Everything illuminated in a flash of lightning and thunder shook the earth beneath us. 

“Shane, we need to go.”

“No.” He opened his eyes, focused on my face. “I can’t.”

“I’ll help you, I promise. I won’t leave you here.” I pulled his arm over my shoulder and tried to stand him up. I was able to pull him a few steps away from the edge of the cliff. He was too heavy; we both toppled to the ground and I landed hard on my right knee. I winced as I pulled myself out from under him.

“Fuck. Are you okay?” I sat Shane up and tried to get him to look at me. “Can you tell me what happened?”

“Useless…” he mumbled. “Got drunk.”

“I can see that. Please talk to me, Shane.”

“No, I’m done. I can’t. Was gonna…” Tears began to well in his eyes as he pointed towards the edge of the cliff and the approaching wall of black clouds. My heart sank. I wrapped my arms around him. 

“No. No, no, no. Shane.” There was a fist in my throat and tears stung my eyes. “Why?”

“I’m nothing. A waste.” He mumbled into my shoulder. “Better if I wasn’t here. For everyone.”

“No, Shane.” His body shook with sobs as I held him and rubbed his back. “What about Marnie? And Jas? They love you and want you to be safe.”

“Sor - I’m sorry,” He said softly.

“I’m sorry, too, Shane.” Sharp, cold drops of rain began to fall around us. “Can you get up? We really have to go. I’ll take you to the clinic.” He didn’t answer. His head rested heavily on my shoulder. “Shane? Shane!”

He’d lost consciousness. My heart beat wildly as I tried to figure out what to do. I needed to get help but I couldn’t leave him alone. I eased myself out from under him, laying him gently on the ground on his side, my hand on his arm to let him know I was still with him. I screamed as loud as I could for help. The sound was drowned out by a crack of thunder. I screamed until my throat burned. The rain fell harder and I was sure no one was coming when I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. 

“Peach! Are you okay? What happened?” Leah’s eyes were filled with worry.

“Shane passed out. He needs help, the doctor. I can’t carry him.” 

“I’ll get Harvey.” She turned and ran, disappearing so quickly that I wondered if she had even been there at all.

“Please stay with me, Shane.” My face was soaked with tears and rain. “Please be okay.” We waited for what felt like an eternity. Darkness surrounded us, broken only by sheets of lightning that flashed over our heads. The raindrops stung my skin as I tried to protect Shane from the wind and battering rain. I mumbled in his ear, hoping he knew I was with him. The storm was so loud I couldn't hear my own words as they spilled out of me.

I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders. Leah had returned with Harvey and Clint. She helped me to my feet as Harvey tried to revive Shane. She wrapped her arms around me and held me as I shook and cried. Harvey and Clint lifted Shane off the ground and carried him as quickly as they could through the woods. Leah and I followed. When we reached the clearing at the end of the forest my heart sank.

“Marnie,” I whispered.

“Go on ahead to the clinic,” Leah said, squeezing my hand. “I’ll tell her what happened.”

We burst through the door and a nurse jumped up from her place behind the counter, moving quickly to hold open the door that led to the interior of the clinic. As I followed the men into the hallway, the nurse put a firm hand on my shoulder to stop me from going in. I met her eyes for a moment and pushed past her, following the men into the exam room. Harvey and Clint laid Shane on the table, Harvey still trying to get Shane to respond. Clint looked at Shane and shook his bearded head before leaving the room. The nurse entered and she and Harvey got to work checking Shane’s vitals.

“What happened, Peach?” Harvey asked. His voice was calm but authoritative.

“I found him on the cliffs with an empty bottle. He was talking a little, but then he passed out.” I spoke as clearly as I could, despite the waves of panic washing over me. “He–” I wasn’t sure if I could say the words. They came out in a whisper. “He was gonna jump.” I squeezed my eyes shut and dissolved into tears. 

“We’ll have to pump his stomach,” Harvey said. “Maru, will you take Peach to the waiting room, please? Give her something she can use to dry off. Then back here, quickly.”

I stole a last glance at Shane as Maru guided me out of the room. She sat me down in the waiting room, tossed a towel in my direction, and disappeared through the door once again. I wrapped the towel around my shoulders and shivered. The waiting room was freezing and the towel soaked through quickly. I moved to pull my legs to my chest and felt a sharp pain in my right knee. I noticed for the first time the big, purple bruise that had started to appear. I rested my head on my left knee and closed my eyes, hoping Shane would be okay. The storm outside grew louder as the door to my left opened. 

“Peach.” Marnie’s eyes were frantic. “Where’s Shane?” 

“He’s with Harvey,” I said. “They’re gonna pump his stomach.” Marnie sighed and sunk into the chair next to me. 

“Leah told me he was drunk by the cliffs?” She shook her head. “I thought he was at work today.” I didn’t answer. My stomach was churning. _He wanted to die. I found him by accident. Had I done anything other than go to the forest today he could have been gone._

“I’m so sorry, Marnie.” Marnie put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. 

“What could you possibly have to be sorry about, dear?” She held my hand and let me cry. I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. We waited together in silence for a while.

“Is Jas okay?” I whispered. Speaking at a normal volume in a silent room felt wrong.

“Leah’s with her,” Marnie replied softly. “All Jas knows is that Shane is sick. I’d like to keep it that way for now. Until I know more.”

Soon, Maru came out into the waiting room. She asked Marnie to follow her back to talk to the doctor. I didn’t move. Maru’s dark eyes glared at me behind a pair of glasses, making it clear I was not to follow. The TV on the wall beamed out its silent pictures. Maru reappeared through the swinging door, carrying a blanket, a cup of water, and a softer expression. She took my wet towel and handed me the blanket.

“Can I see him?” I pleaded.

“No.” A bit of sternness returned to her eyes. “Not yet.”   
  
“Is he okay?” I pulled the blanket tighter around my shoulders.

“He will be.” Maru paused as she handed me the cup of water. She moved the edge of the blanket off of my right knee. “Hmm, Doc’s gonna want to take a look at that.”

“What? No, I’m fine. I’m just here for Shane.”

“We’re taking good care of him, I promise. Sit tight. We’ll call you back in a little while.”

I shivered in the cold, empty waiting room, wanting to curl up and hide until this was all over and Shane was okay again. Voices spoke behind the door but I couldn’t understand what they said. Footsteps in the hallway drew closer. The door swung open and Harvey stepped through it, his eyes were tired but he smiled gently at me.

“Come on back, Peach.”

As I stood, I realized how badly my knee actually hurt. I tried to put a little weight on the leg and I almost fell again. Before I knew it, Harvey was at my side, helping me hop through the door. He brought me back to the exam room. I expected to see Shane but the room was empty. 

“Where is he?” I asked.

“He’s resting,” he said softly. “Don’t worry, Marnie’s with him. We need to take care of you now.”

He helped me to the table and I used my arms to push myself up. Harvey washed his hands and put on a pair of gloves. He didn’t seem at all the flustered man I had met a few weeks ago. He was confident and composed, in his professional element. He took a closer look at my bruised knee, touching it gingerly with his gloved hand.

“How did this happen?” He asked.

“I fell. I was trying to walk Shane here, to the clinic. We didn’t get far.”

“I see.” He had me lie back and he bent my knee forward, resting my foot on the edge of the table. He untied my sneaker, carefully removed it, and set it on the floor. “Please let me know when it hurts.”

He gently examined my knee, placing his thumbs around my kneecap while gently pulling my calf forward with his fingers. He picked up my leg, supporting my knee with one hand and testing the joint with the other. He bent my leg this way and that, always stopping before I felt any real pain. He set my leg back down on the table and told me I could sit up.

“You didn’t break anything,” the doctor said, “though I believe I asked you to tell me when you’re in pain, not make a face.” His voice sounded stern but his mustache twitched as he tried to swallow a smile.

“Sorry,” I said, looking at my bruise again in the clarity of the fluorescent light. I could barely focus on what he was saying. I twisted my finger in the belt loop of my shorts.

“I’d like to schedule a follow-up appointment.” He reached into a cabinet above the sink, pulled out a bandage, and began to wrap my knee. “Until then, please don’t push yourself too hard. Elevate the leg and apply ice to bring down the swelling. Come back to see me sooner if the swelling doesn’t go down or the pain gets worse.” Harvey leaned against the desk in the corner of the room. “Do you have any questions for me?”

“Can I see Shane?”

“I meant about your injury,” He half-smiled.

“Oh. Right.” I thought about the instructions he had given me. “Where can I get ice? I don’t have a freezer.” 

“I’ll be right back,” he said, stepping out the door. He returned with a bag of ice and a handful of white plastic packets. He gently set the ice on my knee. “We’ll leave this on for twenty minutes and ice it again in a few hours.” He held up one of the white packets. “When you’re back home, pop the inner bag. The chemical reaction makes it cold. No need to refrigerate them.”

“Thank you.” I hopped down from the table, catching my weight on my left leg. I slid my right foot back into my shoe. I hesitated a moment before I asked again. “Um, Dr. Harvey? Can I please see my friend?”

“Yes. Marnie has agreed to let you see him,” he answered.

Harvey knelt down and tied my shoe. When he stood he offered me his arm for support and led me out into the hallway. I carried the ice pack in the hand that wasn’t using Harvey as a cane. We made a left into a corridor with a set of double doors at the end. He opened a room to the right and we went inside. A curtain was half drawn around Shane’s bed. He was asleep and had an IV drip connected to his arm. I looked at Harvey, a thousand questions written on my face. He guided me into a chair and I put the ice pack on my knee.

“Shane will be alright, Peach. I’ve discussed his treatment options with Marnie but nothing will be certain until he wakes up. Shane has been struggling with his mental health in addition to the alcohol abuse for some time now. I’m going to recommend he consider a temporary hospitalization so he can receive adequate care for both conditions.”

“Where’s Marnie?”

“She went home to be with Jas. We’re keeping Shane overnight to monitor him.”

“Can I stay with him? I don’t want him to be alone.” Harvey’s mustache twitched again and his eyes crinkled slightly.

“Did you really think I’d let you walk back to the farm tonight on that knee?”

“I guess I wasn’t thinking about it.” Condensation from the bag of ice dripped down my calf and into my sock. I sighed. “I really let him down.” Harvey sat down in the chair next to mine, seeming a bit more like the hesitant man I had met at the dance.

“From what I can see, I believe the opposite is true.”

“I should have been there for him. Before… this.” Hot tears were falling again and my stomach was in knots. “The day of the dance, afterward we took a walk. He told me how he’d been feeling. I told him he could talk to me if he needed to.” I swallowed. “Then I pretty much stopped hanging around him because I couldn’t keep watching him drink.” Harvey took my left hand in both of his. His skin was a little dry but his hands were warm. 

“Peach. Please be assured that none of this is your fault. Shane has been dealing with this for a lot longer than…” His words drifted away. My heart raced and my ears felt like they were stuffed with cotton. My perception of the room shrunk to a pinpoint and almost as instantly expanded out again. I wanted to run but I couldn’t breathe.

“It’s okay, you’re okay.” There was a hand on my left arm and another on my back. “Take a deep breath. In for four seconds, now hold it… good. Exhale all the way, four seconds. Keep counting your breaths. In… and out.” Harvey’s hand on my back was an anchor tethering me to the present. His thumb brushed back and forth across the points of my vertebrae in time with my breathing. I counted and breathed until my heart was calm again. The fallen icepack melted on the floor.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I can usually hold it back.”

“This happens frequently?” Harvey’s forehead was lined with concern. 

“Yeah.” I nodded. “For a while.”

“I’d like to schedule a phone appointment for you to talk with my colleague as soon as possible.” Harvey sounded like a doctor again. “Dr. Warren will be able to help you process what you’ve experienced. In the meantime, I’ll prescribe you something to alleviate the anxiety until we can determine the best course of treatment.”

“I don’t have a phone.”

“You can make the call here.” Harvey’s smile was kind. “I’ll schedule the appointment and mail you a reminder.”

“Doc?” Maru poked her head into the room. “Peach has a visitor.” 

Harvey stood and pulled the curtains closed around Shane’s bed before offering me his hand. He helped me across the room to an empty bed. I settled onto the mattress and he gently placed a folded pillow under my bandaged knee. He removed my shoes and placed them on the floor. 

“Comfortable?” he asked with a cautious smile. I nodded. “Good. I’ll be back later to check in.” He walked toward the door, pausing to pick up the bag of ice, and left the room.

Shortly after, Maru returned, followed by Emily who carried two containers of food she had brought from the saloon; soup and a half portion of salad. Leah had already explained to Emily what happened from her perspective and I filled in the missing details. The worry in Emily’s eyes faded as I promised her both Shane and I were mostly okay. She sat with me while I ate. I didn’t know how many hours had gone by since I found Shane on the cliffs and I hadn’t realized how hungry I was. 

Soon Maru was back to take Emily away from me. I promised her I’d come by the saloon as soon as I was back on my feet. She leaned down to hug me before she followed Maru out of the room. Harvey came back in with three pills and a paper cup of water.

“Anti-inflammatories,” he explained, “and something to help you sleep.” I swallowed the pills and leaned back against my pillow. Harvey unfolded the blanket at the foot of the bed and draped it over me. He spoke softly. “Maru’s going home for the night but I’ll be nearby if you need anything. Try to rest, Peach.” I thanked him again, nestled into the pillow and closed my eyes. I didn’t open them again until morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it has become clear to me I have no concept of time lmao


	9. Chapter 9

8 // party police

I awoke to find sea green curtains had been pulled closed around my bed and I could just hear the murmur of two male voices beyond them. My heart leapt. Shane was awake. I sat up in the bed and pushed the covers off of me. On the table to my right, there was a set of clean clothes, a hairbrush, and a note. 

_Morning Peach Pie,  
_ _I thought you might want something clean to change into after everything that happened yesterday. Come see me at the Stardrop when you can!  
_ _(Like as soon as Harvey lets you out.)  
_ ♡ _Emily_

I looked down at my wrinkled shirt and mudstained denim shorts. It seemed absurd that I hadn’t noticed the state of myself last night, but I had been so worried about Shane it just hadn’t mattered. I took off my shirt and pulled on the one Emily had left for me. The baby blue t-shirt probably would have been a crop top on her but it ended two or three inches below the waistband of my shorts. I wondered when she had brought all this by. I knew she had gone back to work after her visit with me the night before. 

I pulled the brush through my hair and tied the lengths into a ponytail before carefully swinging my legs over the edge of the bed to the floor. I was in a lot less pain today. I doubted my knee was seriously hurt since I had walked unassisted from the cliffs to the clinic while Harvey and Clint carried Shane. The stress of the situation must have kept me from noticing the pain right away. My knee was still bandaged. I wondered how I was going to change my shorts.

“Peach?” Harvey peeked through the curtain before opening it wide enough to step through. “I see you’ve found your care package. How are you feeling this morning?”

“Fine so far,” I replied. “I was just about to change,” I gestured to my muddy shorts. “Or, try to. Is Maru here today? Maybe she can help me?”

“Ah, no. Maru is off today.” A faint pink flush colored his cheeks. “I’ll leave you to it. Just call if you need help. I’ll be back shortly and we can check on that knee.” Harvey backed away and closed the curtain. 

I unbuttoned my shorts and let them fall to the floor. Pulling on the denim cutoffs Emily had brought me was not as hard as I thought it would be and I felt embarrassed that I’d asked for help. The socks still seemed like they would be a challenge. In the meantime, I took off my left sock and used my toe to pull off the right one. I balled up the socks and stuffed them into the pocket of my dirty shorts.

I stood and tested my weight on my right knee. It still hurt, but not nearly as much as it had the night before. I limped over to the curtain and peeked through. The curtains around Shane’s bed were still closed. I was about to cross the room when Harvey rounded the corner and pulled open the door.

“Peach, you shouldn't be walking on that leg,” he chided as he helped me back to the bed. “Let’s see how we’re doing.” 

He pulled up a chair and sat, resting my ankle on his knee as he carefully unwound the bandage. The nebulous bruise went from aubergine to rose, to yellow along its edges that spread around the top of my knee and down my shin. Harvey asked me to lie back on the bed and he examined the joint as he had the night before. 

“Peach, please tell me if it hurts,” Harvey requested as he checked to see if I had torn anything. I managed a squeak as he bent my knee towards my shoulder. He gently set my leg down on the bed and sat. I sat up and turned to face him.

“The swelling looks better but I’d still like you to apply the cold packs for twenty minutes every three hours today and tomorrow.” He gently took my heel and placed my foot back on his knee to reapply the bandage. “Keep it wrapped for as long as you feel the joint needs support but don’t wrap it too tight. If it isn’t feeling close to normal after a week or so, I’d like you to come back.”

Harvey reached over to the table and grabbed the clean pair of socks. He uncurled them, scrunched one up around his fingers, and slid it over my foot. He placed my sneaker on my foot and tied it for me. His eyes met mine and his cheeks flushed pink again.

“I–” He cleared his throat. “Your range of motion is still a bit limited. I believe you can handle it from here. Back in a moment.”

Harvey disappeared through the curtain. I pulled on the clean sock and slid my foot into my left shoe. I rested my heel on the edge of the bed and tied the laces into a bow. Harvey’s was much neater than mine. A minute later he was back with a pair of crutches. “These will help you get around while you’re healing.”

I stood and he adjusted the crutches to my height, placing them under my arms one at a time. It felt good to have my balance back, but I wondered how I was going to manage the farm work while I recovered. Harvey gathered my things and placed them in a canvas bag.

“Follow me, please.” Harvey led me out of the room. I looked over my shoulder at the curtains that surrounded Shane’s bed. I hopped along on the crutches behind Harvey. He opened the door to the waiting room and I hesitated.

“I was hoping I could talk to Shane.” I glanced back down the corridor with the double doors at the end. 

“I’m sorry, Peach,” Harvey sighed. “Shane doesn’t want to see anyone at the moment.”

“Oh.” My heart felt crushed. I wanted so badly to see him awake and physically well. To tell him I was sorry. I carefully moved past Harvey into the waiting room. The door swung closed behind me. A moment later, he reappeared through a door on the other side of the counter. He set the bag on the smooth white surface.

“Alright, Peach,” Harvey patted the counter in front of him and I moved closer. He held up an orange bottle of pills. “Anti-inflammatories. Two of these every four hours for the next two days.” Harvey held up a second bottle. “Take one of these per day as needed for anxiety. This should get you by until you can speak with Dr. Warren.” He passed me a leaflet of information about the drug, its possible interactions, and side effects. He then placed the pill containers in a small paper bag before setting them into the canvas bag.

“Thank you.” I folded the paper in quarters and stuck it in the bag as well.

“If anything doesn’t feel quite right, come see me. And make sure you read that thoroughly.” He glanced at the folded up paper in the bag.

“I will.” I looked into his light green eyes. Harvey smiled.

“Um, I’ll write to you. About your phone appointment.” I smiled as an idea came to me.

“Harvey, can I leave a note for Shane?” A momentary look of surprise flashed across his face.

“I don’t see any reason why not,” he said as he reached into a drawer below the countertop. He retrieved a pen and a pad of paper branded with the name of some drug. I took the pen and scrawled a quick note.

 _Shane,  
_ _I’m glad you’re okay. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll be around._  
 _You know where to find me.  
_ _Peach_

“Thank you, Harvey.” I slid the notepad across the counter.

“Alright. You’re discharged.” The edges of Harvey’s mustache moved as he smiled softly and passed me the bag over the counter. “Please send my regards to Emily.”

“Will do.” I smiled and waved goodbye before I pushed the door open and took a crutch-assisted step out into a sunny day.

“Goodbye,” Harvey said, holding my note in his hands.

I considered going straight to the farm. I was so far behind on today’s work already and I was sure it would take me longer than usual to get there. I thought of my promise to Emily and carefully made my way across the square toward the Stardrop. They weren’t officially open for the day but the door was unlocked. I pushed it open, somehow managed to get up the stairs, and went inside.

“Emily?” I called as the door swung closed behind me.

“Peach, is that you?” her voice called from the kitchen. “Have a seat, I’ll be right out.”

I pulled the canvas bag off my shoulder and slung it on the back of the stool where I usually sat. My heart ached when my eyes fell on Shane’s empty seat. I hoped he would accept the help he needed. Leaning my crutches on the bar, I carefully pulled myself up into the chair.

Emily appeared a moment later and set a cup of coffee in front of me. “Cute outfit,” she smiled.

“Thanks, Em,” I laughed. “I really appreciate you bringing me clean clothes. I didn’t even realize how gross I was until I woke up this morning.” I wrapped my hands around the mug in front of me. “Thanks for dinner last night, too.”

“It was no trouble at all. Once we all heard what happened we just felt like we should do something to help.” Emily glanced at Shane’s empty seat and sighed. “I didn’t realize he’d gotten so bad.” We were both quiet for a moment before she asked, “How’s your leg?”

“Bruised, maybe sprained, but it’s not that bad. Harvey said I have to take it easy for a little while but I don’t know how I’m gonna do that with the farm.” I took a big gulp of coffee. “He says hi, by the way.”

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about the farm,” Emily said, making her way around to the other side of the bar. 

“What do you mean?” I asked, bewildered. Emily smiled and slung the canvas bag over her shoulder.

“Come with me.”

I swallowed the rest of my coffee and placed the mug down on the bar before following Emily out of the saloon. Emily walked slowly as I hobbled along next to her on my crutches. We followed the path past the bus stop and toward the clearing in the trees where my property began. The little house was just visible through the bright green leaves that rustled in the breeze. I heard voices up ahead. We passed through the clearing and I saw Marnie, out in the field watering the crops. Leah was sitting on my front steps singing a rhyme with Jas as she skipped rope. 

“Welcome home!” Leah called, a big grin on her face. “Emily told us about your leg so we thought we’d come by and help out so you can rest.” Marnie set down my watering can and carefully wove through the sections of crops to greet me. She wrapped me in a motherly embrace.

“I can’t thank you enough, Peach,” she whispered.

“I’m just happy he’s safe,” I glanced at Jas, still skipping rope. “He wouldn’t let me see him this morning. But he’s awake.”

“I’ll stop by the clinic this afternoon.” Marnie smiled softly and touched her palm to my cheek. “Let’s get you inside and into a bath.”

Emily and Marnie helped me up the porch steps and held the door open so I could get inside. Leah followed closely behind. In the center of my table, a glass bottle held a bouquet of sweet peas. Their fragrance mixed with the smell of the summer air drifting through the open windows. There were half a dozen eggs in a basket, a blueberry pie, and a short stack of books piled on the small table. I looked from Emily to Marnie to Leah.

“Jas and Leah picked the flowers,” Marnie explained. “I brought the eggs and Evelyn Mullner sent Alex over with the pie. I’m not sure who told her you’re injured but Alex said she wanted to make sure you had something to eat in the house when you got back.” I was on the verge of tears. I looked up at the trio of women in my tiny room. 

“I don’t know what to say,” I choked. “Thank you all so much.” My gaze fell on the stack of books. They weren’t from the library, though they appeared to have been read many times.

“Elliott asked me to bring those by. He thinks you’ll like them.” My heart skipped a beat. He must have told her about our conversation at the beach. Though I didn't sense anything behind her smile, I prayed she wasn't upset with me.

“Will you please tell him ‘thank you’ for me?” I smiled at her timidly.

“Of course,” she said, still grinning. “I’m gonna go check on Jas. See ya.” Marnie reached for my hand.

“Please don’t worry about a thing, Peach. I’ll come by in the mornings to help out until you can move around a little easier.” She sat me down in my chair and went into the bathroom to start the water.

“Surprised?” Emily smiled. “We came up with the idea last night. Leah stopped by the saloon after Marnie got home from the clinic and told Gus and me what happened. Gus immediately packed up some food for me to bring to you. Marnie had told Leah about your injury and she thought you might need some help on the farm. Word spread, and well, here we are.” She sat down on my bed.

“I can’t thank you all enough.”

“Please, Peach. We’re thanking you. For Shane.”

The running water stopped and Marnie reappeared. I stood up, retrieved my prescriptions from the canvas bag, and let Emily help me limp to the bathroom.

“Just yell if you need anything,” she said, pulling the door closed between us.

I stood on my left leg and shook two of the anti-inflammatories into my palm and swallowed them with a handful of water from the sink before I pulled off my clothes and sat on the edge of the tub to unwind the bandage on my knee. I dipped my left foot in the tub, cautiously lowering myself into the water. I let my right leg rest on the edge of the tub while I enjoyed the sensation of being enveloped by the warm water.

When the water began to cool I dunked my head under. I washed and conditioned my hair before I scrubbed my body clean. I pulled the drain plug and lifted myself out of the tub as the water emptied. I reached for my towel and patted my face and arms before wrapping it around me. I opened the mirrored medicine cabinet and put my pills away. I sat back down and gently dried my right leg before re-wrapping the bandage. 

Dressed in the clothes Emily had let me, I rubbed at my wet hair with the towel before brushing it. I used the wall to support myself until I could reach the crutches that leaned against the foot of my bed. I returned to the stack of books Elliott had lent me and picked up a collection of stories and poems by Edgar Allen Poe. With a small smile, I ran a finger along the book’s worn spine. I set the book down and grabbed a cold pack out of the canvas bag. When the screen door closed behind me, Emily and Leah looked up in surprise.

“Peach, you were supposed to call if you needed help,” Emily said, rising to help me hop down the porch steps.

“I didn’t need it til just now, I promise.” I smiled at Emily. I popped the inner bag of the cold pack and shook it a bit before I placed it on my knee. “It only looks bad ‘cause it’s wrapped up. Actually, it probably looks worse underneath the bandage but It’s really not that bad.” Emily rolled her eyes.

“Marnie and Jas went to go see Shane,” Leah said. “They said to tell you they’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I really hope he’s doing okay,” I said. “He didn't want to see me earlier.”

“He’s probably just embarrassed,” Emily said as she sat down on the middle step. She rested her elbows on the step behind her and leaned back. “He’ll come around. He always does.” 

Until that moment I had been under the impression that this was the first time Shane had done something like this.


	10. Chapter 10

9 // needle and a knife

As they’d promised, Marnie and Leah came by in the mornings to help me water the crops and take care of the house. Three days after the storm, Marnie shared the news that Shane had agreed to the hospitalization and he’d left on the train early that morning. Selfishly, I was sorry that I didn’t get to say goodbye but I was elated to hear he had chosen to try to get better.

Marnie and Leah were around a lot over the next few days. I adjusted to their company, their insistence to help me with stairs, the crops, and cooking, and I knew I would miss them when my knee was better and they could stop taking care of me. They seemed to understand that I would never have asked for their help but would have barely scraped by without it. I was grateful for their understanding. 

Soon I was able to tie my own shoe again and I gradually stopped relying on the crutches to get around, but I kept my knee wrapped just to be sure I didn’t move it too much or overexert myself. My chores had devolved to harvesting peppers, tomatoes, and blueberries and checking the mail while Marnie watered and Leah walked the rows of corn, keeping track of their progress.

Five days after the storm I received two letters from Harvey. The first envelope contained the details of my phone appointment with Dr. Warren. I would need to be at the clinic the following Tuesday at 1:00 pm. I ripped through the crease of the second envelope with my thumb and unfolded the enclosed letter.

“Fuck!”

“Are you okay?” Leah ran over to me, eyes wide. I limped up the porch steps and through the screen door. Leah watched from the doorway as I dug through my trunk and produced my milk bottle full of money. “What’s that?”

“My savings account,” I said bitterly, setting it and the invoice on the table. My heart raced and I felt a bit short of breath. I went into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. I hesitated for a moment before swallowing one of the pills Harvey had prescribed. I figured I might as well take them if they cost that much. After looking at my savings, I wondered if I had saved even half of what Harvey had asked me to pay.

I walked back to the table and put the milk bottle and the bill in my bag before storming back out of the house. I walked past Leah who had sat down on the porch steps to drink some water in the shade.

“Where are you going?” she called. 

“To pay the doctor.” Leah and Marnie exchanged bewildered looks as I walked as quickly as I could toward town.

* * *

Maru sat behind the counter in the waiting room, clicking something on the computer and looking thoroughly bored.

“I need to speak with the doctor, please.”

“Sure, Peach,” she said, “have a seat. How’s that leg?”

“Fine.” I shrugged.

“I’ll let him know you’re here. No appointments today so it shouldn’t be too long.”

“Thanks, Maru.”

I flopped into a seat as she disappeared through the door behind the counter. The coins in my bottle jingled as I let the bag slide off my shoulder and into the chair next to me. I let out a sigh, trying to give my frustration an outlet. The door to the waiting room opened and Harvey smiled when he saw me.

“Peach, what a pleasant surprise. This way, please.” I got up and followed him to the exam room. I leaned against the exam table as Harvey closed the door behind us. “How is everything?”

“I need to cancel my appointment with Dr. Warren.”

“May I ask why?” Harvey frowned. 

“The timing isn’t right. Is it too late to cancel?”

“I don’t think so, Peach,” he said gently, “but please sit down.” I hopped up onto the exam table and crossed my bandaged knee over my left ankle. My right foot swung about a foot off the floor. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I just don’t know how I can make it work right now.” I sighed. I pulled out the invoice and my jar of cash and held them out to Harvey. “I don’t even have enough to pay this. I can’t afford another appointment.”

“Peach,” he said, taking the bill and the jar of money out of my hands and setting it on the nearby desk, “forget about this for a minute.” He continued, “Not even a week ago you came very close to losing a friend. On top of that, I believe you may be dealing with an anxiety disorder, which is why I asked you to speak with Dr. Warren. This,” he picked up the invoice off the desk, “isn’t what I’m concerned about. I’m worried you’re struggling. I obviously can’t make this decision for you but I do recommend you keep your appointment.” I looked down at my hands in my lap.

“It doesn’t make sense. I’m happier here than I think I’ve been anywhere but I can’t shake the sense that it’s all about to fall apart. That I’m going to lose everything.”

“Have you taken your medication?”

“Just before I came here.”

“Peach–”

“You said take it as needed. I didn’t need it until now.” 

“I think you have a high tolerance for stress," Harvey sighed, smiling incredulously. "Nevertheless, dealing with this by yourself won’t be sustainable in the long run.” He folded and tucked the invoice into his back pocket. “I’m not going to cancel your appointment, Peach. Don’t worry about the bill, we’ll work something out when you come back on Tuesday.”

“Thanks, Harvey.”

“How’s your knee?” he asked. “No crutches today?”

“I was in a hurry and forgot them,” I admitted, “but it’s been a lot easier to get around the past few days. I can tie my own shoes again.” Our eyes met and I felt warmth on my cheeks.

“That’s good to hear.” Harvey smiled and straightened his glasses. “I hope you didn’t push it too far walking over here without them. How does it feel now?”

I looked at my bandaged knee. “Fine, I think.”

“May I have a look?” He asked.

“Oh, you don’t have to,” I hesitated, suddenly nervous. “I mean, I think it’s okay.” I dropped down from the exam table and stuffed my money back into my bag.

“Okay.” Harvey held open the door and followed me out into the hallway. “Take it easy on your walk home. And, Peach?” I looked up at him. “Please take your meds.”

I nodded. “Thanks again.”

“Take care.”

I waved to Maru as I left the clinic. 

When I returned to the farm, Leah was still on the porch steps working in her sketchbook. She twisted the tip of her long red braid in her right hand as she carefully marked the page with the pencil in her left. She looked up when she heard me coming down the path, set down the book, and walked up to greet me.

“How’d it go?” She asked.

“He wouldn’t take my money or cancel my appointment on Tuesday.” We walked back towards the porch and I sat down, straightening my sore knee out in front of me. “He says we can work something out. A payment plan, I guess.”

“That doesn’t sound bad.” Leah sat next to me and crossed her arms over her knees.

“I’m just frustrated. I didn’t ask for help, not with the bill or for my knee. He just helped me. Now I owe more than I can repay,” I looked at Leah, “and not just to him.”

“It might be a small town thing,” Leah smiled, “or maybe just a Pelican Town thing, but nobody here’s going to let you sink, Peach. Not Marnie, not Emily, and not me. We aren’t asking for anything back.”

“You’ve all been so kind to me and I don’t think I deserve it.”

“Everyone is worthy of kindness.” 

Leah and I looked out across the sections of crops she, Marnie, and I had worked on together. While some of the wild growth threatened to infringe on the land I had cleared, the crops were green and healthy. We sat on the porch together for the rest of the afternoon. Leah continued to sketch away in her book. I held a cold pack on my knee with one hand and held one of Elliott’s books in the other. I contemplated asking Leah to return the books for me as I worked my way through them but I had begun to want to deliver them myself. The worn books were well-loved and I wanted to hear his thoughts about them. I glanced at Leah who intently studied the shape of a tree branch before duplicating it in her sketchbook. I wanted to know what she’d think of the idea but I couldn’t bring myself to ask.


	11. Chapter 11

10 // bags

I arrived early for my appointment, nervous and unsure what to expect. I sat in the waiting room holding my book open but not reading it. I crossed my right leg over my left hoping to stop them from shaking. I hadn’t wrapped my knee today. The large bruise had mostly faded to pink but the sickly yellow still lingered around its edges. I gently ran my fingers across it, barely feeling the familiar, dull throb beneath the tender skin.

The waiting room door opened and I looked up, surprised to see Elliott in the doorway. He shook Harvey’s hand before the door swung closed again and he took a step toward the counter to talk to Maru. I looked back at my book. His book. I managed to make myself read another sentence or two before he turned away from the counter and walked up to me.

“Hello, Peach.”

“Oh hi, Elliott,” I said, pretending I’d just noticed his presence. Maru smirked behind the counter as she entered some information into the computer. I closed the book around my finger so I wouldn’t lose my place. “Did Leah thank you for me? For the books? I really appreciate you lending them to me.”

“She did.” He smiled. “How are you enjoying them?”

“Very much.” I smiled back. “I burned through the Poe pretty quickly. His stories are some of my favorites.”

“I thought that might be up your alley.” He carefully brushed his long hair behind his shoulder.

“I wish I knew I’d run into you today, I could have returned it.”

“Please, take your time. I’m in no rush to get them back, I’ve read them all at least twice.”

“I can tell.” I brushed my thumb across the faded spine of the paperback book in my hands. It had been opened so many times that its printed title was barely legible. 

“Well,” he said, “I had better get back to the beach. I’m barely a quarter of the way through today’s word count. Bring the books by the cabin whenever you’ve finished with them. I’m usually at home.”

“Okay. See you.” 

“Goodbye.” He smiled and turned away. I reopened his book as he strode to the front door and out of the clinic. 

A moment later Harvey called me back into the interior of the clinic. Instead of leading me left to the exam room, we walked through the corridor and the double doors at its end. A staircase stretched up in front of us and Harvey began to climb.

“I had intended to allow you to use my office for your appointment but I have quite a bit of paperwork to do this afternoon.” 

Harvey opened the door at the top of the stairs which led to a small studio apartment. It was tiny but bright with sunlight pouring in through the windows. The walls were papered with a linear pattern in light blue. There was a table to the left with a half-completed project of some kind, surrounded by small jars of paint and brushes. My eyes followed the walls from left to right. His desk was nearly covered in complicated-looking instruments and equipment, including a microphone and a pair of large headphones. There were a few posters of planes on the wall, and shelves with model planes on them. I looked back at the table and realized Harvey must have built them. He directed me to a pair of red couches in the corner to our right. There was an end table on which sat an old rotary phone.

“I’m sure this isn’t what you had imagined for this appointment. I just wanted to be sure you have enough privacy.”

“No, it’s not what I expected. But, um, this is okay. Thank you.” I took a seat on the couch facing Harvey’s television which was hardly bigger than my own.

“So.” Harvey cleared his throat and handed me a card. “Here is Dr. Warren’s number. She’ll be expecting your call. Please take as much time as you need. I’ll see you downstairs when you’re finished.” He smiled and backed towards the door.

When Harvey had gone, I looked around the room again. Behind me was a large bookcase, a small table with a radio on it, and Harvey’s bed. There was a doorway that led to a tiny kitchen on the wall to my left. Aside from the table with the half-finished model plane, everything was exceedingly tidy. I took a deep breath, picked up the receiver, and dialed the phone.

The call lasted a little over an hour. Dr. Warren asked me a lot of questions and was patient with me when I wasn’t sure how to answer. She asked about my family history, and whether or not I had ever felt this way or that, and, if so, how long. I told her about my move from the city to the valley, the farm I had inherited, the incident with Shane and how he’d left without saying goodbye. I described the panic attack I had next to his hospital bed. 

Dr. Warren was easy to talk to. I thought at the time a part of it was that I couldn't see her face and she couldn’t see mine. She agreed with the type and dosage of medication that Harvey had prescribed for me but explained that she would be writing my prescriptions from then on. I could still pick them up at the clinic in town. After the call, I was to go downstairs and have Harvey check my vitals and run a few blood tests so they could be monitored over time. We would speak again in two weeks, but Dr. Warren said I could call her any time with questions about the medication or my symptoms in general. Though she was busy, she promised to get back to me quickly.

I hung up the phone feeling a little less burdened than I had before and I looked forward to our next conversation. I took a last look at Harvey’s apartment before I opened the door and walked down the stairs towards the double doors. Before I went through them, I noticed a door to my right was partially opened.

Harvey’s office was more like a closet, filled to the brim with a desk, two chairs, and a filing cabinet. The desk was strewn with folders, paperwork, and empty coffee cups. I gently knocked twice on the door and Harvey looked around.

“Oh, Peach,” he smiled. “How did it go?” 

“It went well I think. I’m going to talk to her again in two weeks if that’s okay.”

“Of course.” Harvey looked around the tiny, messy office. “So you can see why I brought you upstairs?” he chuckled.

“Yeah,” I smiled, “thanks. Um, Dr. Warren told me to see you about my vitals and having some lab work done.”

“Yes, of course.” Harvey piled the papers he was working on and stuck them into a folder. He stood and brought me back into the exam room. “Have a seat in that chair, please.” He washed and dried his hands before applying a pair of gloves. “How’s your knee today? Any pain?”

“It’s been a little sore but it’s fine right now.” 

Harvey took my temperature and checked my pulse before fitting a blood pressure cuff around my arm. “Feet flat on the ground, please.” He inflated the cuff and read the digital meter attached to it. He paused to write the numbers down on his clipboard. “Your blood pressure’s a little low. We’ll have to keep an eye on that.” Harvey wrote a few notes on his clipboard. “How are you with needles?”

“I don’t have a problem with them.” Harvey gently tied a piece of an elastic bandage around my bicep.  
  
“Make a fist, please.” He dabbed at my skin with an alcohol swab, found a vein, and inserted the needle. “Now relax your hand.” My blood was the color of wine and its warmth slightly steamed the inside of the vial.

“What’s your favorite thing about being a doctor?” I asked, surprising both of us.

“Not this.” Harvey’s eyes crinkled behind his glasses. “What’s your favorite thing about being a farmer?” I thought for a moment.

“Getting to decide what I want to do every day. I like setting my own goals and working toward them.”

“That’s two things.” Harvey removed the needle from my arm and taped a piece of cotton to my inner elbow.

“But they go together. And you didn’t really answer the question.” Harvey pulled off his gloves and tossed them in the trash.

“So. I believe we have some business to discuss?”

I nodded. I hadn’t been looking forward to this conversation but I felt ready to face it. All I hoped is that I’d be able to afford enough seeds in the fall that the harvest might settle my debt.

“Do you drink coffee?” He asked as he guided me back to the waiting room.  
  
“Yeah, I do.”

“Good. Will you please meet me at the saloon in about fifteen minutes? I just need to grab a few things here.”

“Sure, I can do that.”

“Great,” he grinned, “I’ll see you there soon.”

I stepped out of the clinic into the humid late afternoon. 

* * *

I waved to Emily as I entered the Stardrop but instead of taking my usual seat, I walked to a table in the corner. Harvey arrived shortly after me. He placed a folder, notebook and pen, and a calculator on the table and took the seat to my left. Emily brought over a pot of coffee and two mugs. Harvey filled one of them and set it in front of me before pouring his own. 

“Thank you for meeting me here. I thought discussing this in a neutral area would make things a little less uncomfortable,” Harvey smiled nervously, “and you’ve seen the state of my office.”

Harvey’s financial documents were complete and well organized; I felt foolish that I hadn’t bothered to track my own earnings or costs. I had never really considered the farm to be an actual business. Until then it had felt more like a hobby that consumed most of my time and also happened to put food on my table. Harvey understood that this was all new to me and gave me a few tips on how to stay organized so I could better plan for the future of the farm.

We decided that, at my next appointment, I would pay for the first two sessions with Dr. Warren, and my prescriptions. Now that I knew how much to set aside for my future appointments, I could figure out a way to afford them. For my knee exam and overnight stay in the clinic, I agreed to put aside ten percent of the proceeds from each of my shipments and pay Harvey on a monthly basis. I would be able to hold on to the majority of my savings, prepare for the fall, and pay off what I owed. When the papers had all been put away, I rested my elbow on the table and turned toward him.

“Thank you so much for helping me with this. I feel a lot more confident that this can all work.”

“I’m glad I was able to help. I can imagine the last thing you need right now is more stress.” Harvey topped off his cup of coffee. “How are things at the farm?”

“They’re coming along. I’ve been trying to think of ways to earn more money. Selling fresh produce has been getting me by but I’ve done some research on preserving food. You know, jellies and pickles and stuff.”

“I hope you’ll keep me informed of your progress.” 

“Yeah, if you want.”

Harvey grinned and raised his mug to his lips. The steam fogged his glasses and, when the mist cleared, his eyes found mine. I held his gaze for only a moment. I stood up from my chair, pushing it away from the table.

“I think I should get going,” I said, feeling suddenly self-conscious. Harvey also rose to his feet. “Thank you, again. I’ll see you in two weeks.”

“See you then.” Harvey’s cheeks went pink as I shook his extended hand. “Goodnight, Peach.”

“Goodnight, Harvey.”

I walked in the pink haze of sunset with a flutter in my chest that didn’t feel like a bad thing. I spent the evening reading on the porch and watching Twiggy chase fireflies through the garden. As stressful as life could be, quiet nights like this seemed to make it worth every bit of it.


	12. Chapter 12

_ii // heat wave_

"Shane! Just come in, you know you don't have to knock." He stepped through the screen door and glanced around the small room that housed the kitchen and living area. 

"The place looks good." Shane entered the room, the screen door bouncing closed behind him. 

"It's kind of a mess right now, I wasn't expecting anyone." I began to clear the table of a few days worth of dishes I hadn't yet bothered to wash.

"Is he not back yet?"

"No, he'll be home the day after tomorrow. Can I get you some water? I can wash a glass."

"That's okay, Peach. Marnie asked me to stop by on my way home, see if you need anything for the animals." He paused, looking around again before he decided to step further into the room and have a seat on one of the wooden chairs at the table. "Also, she said to come by the ranch when you have some time. You may want to bring a wheelbarrow." 

"What has she done for me now?" I asked with a mock groan. Shane shrugged.

"She made me promise not to tell. But you'll like it." 

"She's too kind." I smiled and shook my head. "And you are too, I guess."

"Um, where's your ring?" The silverware in my hands clattered onto the table as I checked my left hand.

"Fuck." I raced to the bathroom and found my engagement ring, safe and sound in the jewelry dish where I'd left it before I had my bath. "I'm still not used to this at all," I said as I returned to the kitchen, sliding the thin gold band over my knuckles. My heart settled back into its natural rhythm. Shane laughed heartily.

"You should have seen your face. Glad you found it, though. At least it wasn't lost in all that dug-up dirt out there. Honestly, I'm surprised you're still up and on your feet. You must be exhausted."

"I accidentally had a nap at the table," I laughed, picking up the forks and knives I'd dropped. I glanced out the window, the fields and pastures glowing orange in the sunset. "I still feel like I should have done more today." 

"Should isn't real, remember? We do what we can when we can." 

"Yeah, yeah," I smiled and dropped the rest of the dishes into the sink. The handles on the faucet turned with a creak, and I let the stream of water rush over the tips of my fingers as it grew gradually warmer. I picked up the sponge, held it under the water, and added some soap.

"Something's bothering you. What is it?" Shane got up from his chair and stood next to me.

"Elliott and I got in a fight before he left for his book tour."

"What happened?" 

"It's mostly a misunderstanding," I sighed, "but a hard to explain misunderstanding." I scrubbed a few plates clean and set them on a towel on the counter to dry. 

"Classic vague Peach," he smiled and leaned against the counter. I rolled my eyes. 

"The day before he left, I was almost out of my medication, and Elliott was going down to the beach to pack up a few things for his trip, so I asked him to grab my prescription for me on his way." I rinsed some clean silverware and set it near the other drying dishes. "So when he came back he told me I missed an appointment I had with Dr. Warren, and that he's worried I'm not taking care of my mental health. He said he was nervous about leaving me here alone."

"Peach, you never miss an appointment. What happened?"

"He said the same thing." I laughed dryly. "It was a Wednesday, and I usually go on Tuesdays." I shrugged. "I had a lot to harvest and ship that day anyway, so I just didn't think I had time for a trip into town."

"Okay, so what did you fight about?"

"So he told me he didn't like the idea of me being on my own while he's away." I dragged the back of a knife through my folded sponge before rinsing it and setting it aside. "I told him he didn't need to worry because, for one thing, I can handle this place by myself, and for another, you and Marnie would be right there if I suddenly found myself in desperate need of help. But he didn't like that answer because he thinks–" 

I gasped as I felt a sharp tug and a sudden sting. As I dragged the wrong edge of the last knife through the fold of the sponge, I carved a deep slash across my palm. The knife landed with a clatter in the sink. 

"Damn it!" Deep red droplets fell into the basin and dribbled down my wrist as I held up my hand. Shane snatched up a clean towel and covered my palm, applying pressure to the cut. 

"Peach, I think you need stitches."

"No, it's not that bad." I pulled my hand from his grip and lifted the edge of the towel, catching a glimpse at the exposed layers of flesh before the cut pooled with blood again. "Fuck," I whimpered and pressed the cloth back into my palm. Shane had already shut off the water and grabbed a sweater off the back of a chair. He had begun to guide me toward the door when I planted my feet and turned. "I can't, Shane. Please, I'll get it looked at tomorrow. I don't want to go tonight."

"Peach," Shane's expression was confused and concerned. "You need the doctor. Now."

"No. Just wait." I shook my head, tears springing to my eyes. I took a deep breath. "I need to tell you something." He held open the door, but I didn't move. 

"Let's go. If you don't walk, I'll carry you there." My hand throbbed under the pressure of the towel as a dark red stain bloomed slowly outward. I walked through the open door, and we set off towards town at a brisk pace.


	13. Chapter 13

11 // apocalypse

It was a hot midsummer afternoon and cottony clouds swirled in a bright blue sky above me as I walked toward the clinic. The apprehension I used to feel before my appointments with Dr. Warren had been replaced by a sense of routine. I rose a bit earlier, tended to the crops, and shipped any produce I’d harvested before walking into town past the bus stop, making sure to bring a sweater in preparation of reentering the clinic’s ice-cold waiting room. 

Since my first therapy session, and since I had started taking my medication regularly, I had been feeling more like myself. At least, I thought I was. I had begun to wonder if it were possible to feel bad for so long that you could forget who you were before. Nevertheless, I had to admit I had been feeling less anxious, and it was a start. A breeze caught my hair and I turned to face it, enjoying the pleasant softness of it’s non-touch. Plenty of things in my life had been going okay. The farm was bringing in more money, and I’d found some time to spend with Emily and Leah recently. I thought of a face that had grown familiar, a shy smile, and rosy cheeks. I felt hopeful, almost happy. I put on my sweater before entering the clinic. I paid Maru at the counter for the day’s session and refilled my prescription before taking a seat in the waiting room. Soon Harvey appeared in the doorway and waved me inside. 

“Hi,” I smiled.

“How are you today?” He asked politely, as he always did.

“Pretty well. You?”

“Fine, thank you,” he smiled softly. He walked me down the hallway and held open the door to the stairway. “You remember where to go?” I nodded and he wished me luck before returning to his office. I climbed up to his apartment to make my call.

Dr. Warren had asked me to come prepared to talk about an area where I felt like I was struggling, and I’d given it a lot of thought. Though I was friendly with people, I often felt like an outsider. I didn’t really feel close to anyone in my life. The only person I’d even half opened up to was Shane, and only because he'd opened up to me first. And we were both kind of drunk at the time, so I wouldn’t have been surprised if he didn’t remember. He’d been gone for weeks anyway. Emily was my best friend in town and I had told her next to nothing about myself.

“I can’t let myself say what I’m really thinking. I have my guard up all the time. I really want to be close to people, but I’m scared. Like, I guess I worry if they find out what I’m really like, they wouldn’t want to be around me anymore.”

“What I’m hearing is that you might be struggling a bit with vulnerability. Do you feel that you’re trying to avoid the negative emotions that sometimes come with opening ourselves up to others?”

“Maybe? I guess that sounds right.”

“Sometimes holding ourselves back from saying what we’re thinking can give us a sense of control over a situation. If you don’t say anything, you don’t risk feeling embarrassed, rejected, or anything like that, right?”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“Remember we can’t control the way others react to us. And we’re not supposed to. But being honest and vulnerable is one of the ways we forge bonds with other people. While there’s no guarantee that the person we open up to will react in a way we may expect or want them to, we have to accept that and choose to tear down that wall anyway.” 

“That makes sense. But sometimes when I’m talking to people I feel like bothering them. Or that I’m just... too much.”

“Peach, I’ve heard this out of you before, and I think you’re still quite concerned with making sure everyone else’s needs are met before you think about your own. You have just as much of a right to your own thoughts and feelings as they have to theirs. You deserve to be listened to when you need to be heard.” 

“Okay.”

“I’d like you to take some time alone today to sit quietly and just let yourself feel. Acknowledge each thought or feeling that comes to the surface, don’t suppress it, and don’t pass judgment. Try to soften yourself to those emotions. Be kind to yourself.”

“I think that’s gonna be harder than it sounds.”

“It can be an uncomfortable process. However, oftentimes we need to open up to and accept ourselves for who we are before we can trust other people to do that for us. Have you chosen something from your personal bill of rights to work on between now and our next session?” I flipped through my journal.

“I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.”

“It sounds like we have a plan.” Dr. Warren paused. “You seem to be doing very well, Peach. I think we can scale back to talking monthly. How would you feel about that?” My stomach did a flip.

“Um, kinda nervous. But I’ll keep applying what we talked about in our other sessions and practice what we talked about today.”

“Wonderful. And remember you can call me with questions or if you need some support between sessions. Do you have any questions now?”

“Not at the moment.”

“And how about the meds, everything still good?”

“Yeah, they’re good. I’ve been feeling a lot better these days.”

“I’m so glad to hear that, Peach. I know we still have some work to do together, but don’t forget to take a step back from time to time and look at how far you’ve come.”

“Thank you, Dr. Warren.”

“I’ll talk to you next month. Have a nice day, Peach.”

“You too. Bye.” I hung up the phone.

I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes. I felt the soft cushions of the couch below me and on my back. I felt my feet on the floor. I tried to clear my mind and just exist. I felt silly, but I tried to be okay with it. I wondered if somehow who I was would bubble to the surface and tell me all about herself. I felt the fear of finding out who I was and not liking what I learned. I let myself be afraid. I felt loneliness and the desire to not be alone. I found buried within me a softness I had tried to keep protected. A face flashed in my mind, green eyes, and a timid expression. I wanted to know him. I wanted to get closer.

I walked out of the apartment and down the stairs, pausing at the door to Harvey’s office. It was no longer littered with papers and empty cups of coffee. His white coat was draped over the back of a chair. He sat at his desk, his back to me, writing something in a file. I took a quiet breath and approached him, reaching out to touch his shoulder.

“Harvey.”

I lost myself in his light green eyes and forgot everything I thought I might say. His eyes never left mine as he rose from his chair. A smile passed over my lips as Harvey tentatively reached out and touched my waist with his fingertips. I wrapped my arms around him and he met me in the middle with a kiss. I felt the softness of his lips, the tickle of his mustache. He smelled of coffee and something else, warm and sweet.

His eyes crinkled and his cheeks flushed as he leaned to close the door, shutting us in and everything else out. His breath was warm in my ear as he whispered my name. He lifted me onto the desk and I buried my hands in his dark, wavy hair. I pulled him closer, cradled his face in my palms. My fingers moved to his neck, his shoulders, the buttons of his shirt. I shivered as his hands traced lines along my waist, up and down my back and across my legs.

He gently lifted my shirt over my head and kissed me again. I tasted the wet of his tongue, the salt of his skin. I melted into him as his lips moved from my mouth to my collar bone. I savored his touch, the feel of his skin on mine. I wanted him closer. My hand found his on the buckle of his belt.

“Harvey,” I breathed.

“Is this okay?” he asked.

“Yes.”


	14. Chapter 14

12 // reckoner

Harvey and I lay tangled together in his bed upstairs, his curious fingertips still tracing circles on my skin. I kissed his cheeks and forehead. He rested his head on my shoulder, and I followed the waves of his hair with my fingers. Harvey sighed.

“Peach,” he whispered after a long silence. “I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” I asked softly.

“This was,” he seemed to struggle to find the words, “a mistake.”

“That’s not what I expected you to say. I know this was kinda sudden, but…”

“Peach,” he said softly, his lips in my hair, “you don’t know how much I wanted this. To hear you say my name that way.”

“Then what’s wrong?” My throat was a knot.

“I’m wrong,” he said, rolling up on one elbow. “I’m ten years older than you.”  
  
“Nine-ish,” I countered, my voice barely above a whisper.

“I was carried away,” he sighed. His thumb stroked my chin, and he gazed down into my eyes. “I didn’t know how to react to someone so beautiful and sweet, showing interest in me.”

“I think you’re beautiful and sweet and interesting.” I lightly touched his shoulder with my fingertips.

“We don’t really know each other.”

“I want to know you. But I’m beginning to think you don’t want me to.” My heart beat despite the black hole expanding inside me.

“Peach,” he pleaded, “forgive me, but I’m past this part of my life. I love that you’ve reminded me how to feel young again,” he sighed, “but I can’t pretend to be young anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” I started to get up, “I thought this was something else.” Harvey sat up and pulled me back, held me close to him. 

“I’m sorry,” he kissed my shoulder, “I don’t think I can be what you need or want me to be. This could never be fair to you.”

“ _This_ isn't fair. Are you gonna give me the chance to tell you what I want or need?” I searched his eyes for the answer he wouldn't give me. Harvey touched his lips to my forehead.

“Peach. You might have been right for me, and you might have made me very happy.” His fingers played with a strand of my hair. “I don’t think I could ever be right for you.”

“I don’t understand.” Harvey wrapped his arms around me, and we lay back down in his bed.

“Me neither,” he whispered.

“Then, why?” He was quiet for a moment. “Why, Harvey?”

“Being with you is a reminder of someone I can never be again.” We held each other for a while longer, knowing that when we let go, we were really letting go.

I awoke in darkness, Harvey breathing softly next to me. I unwrapped myself from his arms and the blankets. I dressed and double checked I hadn’t left anything behind. The apartment door opened with a quiet creak.

“Peach?” Harvey sat up, his eyes reflecting the light at the top of the stairs.

“I’ll see you next month,” I said softly. The urge to stay, to return to the warmth of his arms, pulled at my heart like a string. I closed the door between us. I knew I couldn’t hear him say another word without breaking. I walked down the stairs, through the waiting room, and out of the clinic into the humid night. I didn’t know the time, but the saloon had already closed. I didn’t see a soul as I made my way to the farm. 

I closed my front door behind me and curled up in my bed. What the fuck had just happened? Tears spilled out of my eyes. I lay awake and let myself feel everything; anger, pain, something else that would take more time to specify. I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes, searching for that hidden, soft place. I held my own hand and told myself it was going to be okay. I cried myself to sleep.

I threw myself into my work on the farm and didn’t walk to town unless it was unavoidable. I took out my anger on the encroaching wild growth, clearing more land in two weeks than I knew possible. I built a fire pit a short distance from the house so I could avoid cooking indoors in the summer heat.

I paid close attention to the little things that brought me happiness each day and listed them to myself at night when I could no longer ignore the insistent emptiness inside me. I could keep my thoughts away from him in the light of day, but in the darkness, he crept back in. I wondered if I would ever grow bored of asking why when I knew there would never be a real answer. At night I’d lie awake until I wasn’t. In the morning, the sun would rise, and so would I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who's ready to get sad?


	15. Chapter 15

13 // cherry

There was a knock at the door. It was mid-afternoon, and I had retreated into the darkness of the house to escape the sun and heat. I rolled out of bed and pulled open the door.

“Oh, hey, Emily,” I pushed open the screen for her to come in. “How’s it going?”

“I’m here to ask you the same thing,” she said, stepping into the dark room. “I haven’t seen you in weeks. I was worried.”

“Oh well, you know,” I shrugged. “I’ve been busy.”

“Uh-huh.” She looked around the room. Clothes lay scattered across the floor. A vase of dead flowers had littered the table and Elliott’s books with dried petals and leaves. The curtains were closed, and in the dark, it all looked sad.

“So, what’s up?”

“Peach, are you okay?”

“Not really,” I tried to laugh, but the tears somehow escaped anyway.

“Aw, honey, it’s okay.” Emily wrapped her arms around me, and I clung to her.

“I fucked up,” I cried into her shoulder.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She softly ran her fingers in circles on my back.

“I don’t know if I can.” I pulled away and wiped my face on my sleeve. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She smiled gently. “So there’s a luau at the beach today. Do you want to go? Get away from the farm for a little while?”

“I don’t know, Em. I don’t want to see anyone.” 

“So don’t look at anyone. Please? Come dance with me.” She saw my face and added, “Casual dancing. Fun dancing. And free food and drinks.”

I considered which would be worse, the chance of seeing Harvey there or inevitably thinking about him that night as I tried to sleep. I thought maybe trying to have some fun with my only available friend would give me a chance to think about anything else. 

“I’ll go with you.” I forced a smile.

“Yes! Okay, let’s get you ready.” She held up a bag full of neatly folded clothes.

“What’s all that?”

“Hand-me-downs,” she said as she pulled open the curtains to let in some light. “Stuff Haley and I don’t wear anymore. Feel free to keep anything you like. I’m just gonna recycle the rest.” 

I almost cried again. Emily picked out an outfit for me, a pair of high-waisted denim shorts and a cropped blouse that tied in the front. It was a rusty red color, patterned with white blossoms, and had long flowing sleeves. She sat me down, brushed out my hair, and did my makeup.

“No one would ever guess you were sad today.” I smiled and hugged her.

“I’m so glad you came over. Thank you.”

“I’m glad you agreed to come out,” she said with a smile. “Oh, so there’s this soup thing. Everyone in town contributes an ingredient, and we all share it, like a potluck. In a literal pot. Any chance you have something to bring?”

“I think so. I’ll grab something out of the shipping box on our way out.” I found my brown sandals under a dirty t-shirt and pulled them on my feet. “When does the party start?”

“When we get there.” Emily grinned, took my hand, and dragged me out of the house.

I pulled my most perfect looking tomato out of the shipment box and tucked it into Emily’s bag next to her bushel of kale. We walked south through the farm and along the path past Marnie’s ranch before heading east again toward town and the beach. Before the dirt path turned to stone, Emily handed me a pair of sunglasses.

“If anybody looks at you, they won’t be able to see if you look back,” she shrugged. I put the sunglasses on, and she smiled. “Such a good look.” She put on a pair as well, reflective and round.

I smiled, too, thankful for the illusion of anonymity. I looped my arm through Emily’s, and we walked through town together, past the graveyard and over the southern fork of the river. I took a deep breath as we walked over the dunes, past Elliott’s cabin, and onto the beach. I heard music and chatter among the sound of the waves, then saw a square of four tables, piled with food and drink. They stood around an enormous, bubbling pot. Off to the right of us was a large pair of speakers and a dance floor. To our left, near the edge of the water, a pig roasted over a fire. Harvey stood nearby with Maru, facing the ocean. I looked away.

“Can we get a drink?” I asked.

“Duh,” Emily laughed. “And we can give this stuff to Gus to add to the soup real quick.” She patted her bag, and I followed her over to the table next to the dance floor.

Gus complimented our contributions and mixed us each a cocktail. I wandered past the dance floor to where the pier met the sand, and Emily followed. I sat on the knotted wood and pulled off my sandals, dangling my feet over the edge so the waves could wash over them.

“I swear I’ll be fun today,” I sighed, “I just need a minute.” 

“No rush.” Emily sat beside me on the dock, looking too cool for this town with her electric blue hair, blush mini dress, and chunky black boots. We sipped our drinks, sweet and strong, and watched the waves roll by.

“The beach looks so different with all this stuff on it.” 

“It’ll be back to boring and quiet by tomorrow, just how you like it,” she nudged me with her arm.

“I’m sure, after another one of these, I can enjoy the not-quiet just as much.” I shook the ice in the bottom of my cup. 

“Well, then. Let’s get a refill.” Emily took my hand and dragged me back over to Gus, both of us giggling like kids.

With fresh drinks in our hands, we strolled along the edge of the water near the dance floor, me ankle-deep in the ocean and Emily further back on the dry sand.

“How can you stand to be on a beach and not get your feet wet?”

“Eh. I don’t like it when my feet get sandy.” She shrugged.

I faced the breeze, so my hair blew out behind me. The soft, salty air and the sound of the music blending with the waves had begun to lift my spirits. I ambled out of the shallow waves. “Okay, I’m ready to have fun now.”

Emily smiled, took my hand, and led me onto the dance floor. It was just us and Demetrius and Robin, who seemed to dance with each other at every opportunity they had. From what I knew about them, they had been married for a long time. It made me smile to see them, so in love after years and years together. As I swayed along to the beat, I watched Emily’s movements, fluid yet wild. We caught each other’s eyes and laughed. Over her shoulder, I saw him across the beach, laughing with Maru and helping her put sunscreen on her back. I downed the rest of my drink, closed my eyes, and kept dancing.

* * *

Laughing and out of breath, Emily and I stumbled off the dance floor. We each got another drink and a plate of food and went to the end of the pier to sit and eat. I felt giggly and light, if not a bit dizzy. I dangled my legs over the edge of the dock and leaned back on my hands.

“Emily. Do you know that you’re the best?”

“Yes,” she laughed, “don’t tell Haley, she’ll throw a fit.”

“I won’t say a word.” I pulled off the sunglasses and touched my face with my fingertips. “My cheeks hurt. I feel like I haven’t smiled in days.”

“Are you ready to talk about why?” she prompted. 

“Not really,” I sighed, “but I’m having a great time taking a break from thinking about it. Thanks again, Em. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Any time. Truly.” She rested her blue head on my shoulder for just a moment. “Ow,” she laughed, rubbing her neck, “You’re so short.” 

“We can’t all be tall goddesses, Emily.” I giggled. “The world needs little weirdos too.”

“Nah,” she said, laughing and pinching one of my cheeks, “you’re like a little fairy.” I lay back on the pier, laughing under the clear sky.

“Refill?” Emily asked.

“I think I’m okay right now.”

“Okay, lightweight, be right back.” She twirled and skipped away down the pier toward the beach.

I leaned up on my elbows and closed my eyes, enjoying the warm sun on my face and the breeze in my hair. At the end of the pier, the sound of the waves subdued the music, muffling it in a comforting way. I finally felt apart from my exasperating unhappiness. As I wondered how long I could hide from it, I heard a quiet cough behind me and turned to stone. 

“Peach?” 

“Harvey.” My voice was quiet and flat.

“I was hoping we could talk.”

“That’s not a thing I’d like to do right now.” I sat upright and kept my eyes on the horizon.

“I’m worried about you.”

“Can we please not?”

“Peach,” he said as he knelt beside me, “you really shouldn’t be drinking while taking your medication. Did you read the information I gave you?” I almost laughed.

“I’m fine. Thanks for your concern.”

“It’s dangerous to–”

“Is that all you came here to say?”

“Peach...” I couldn’t miss the pain in his voice, but anger was rising in my chest. I turned toward him. 

“Please stop saying my name.” I tried to keep my voice calm. “And please mind your own business.” He opened his mouth to protest. “No. Look, I don’t know how we’re supposed to act around each other, but please stop talking to me like I’m your patient.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. I turned away, hoping he wouldn’t see the hot tears that ran down my cheeks. I quickly wiped them away. Harvey gently touched my shoulder with the tips of his fingers.

“Please.” His voice was low and soft.

“I can’t,” I whispered.

“Meet me later,” he pleaded. I made the mistake of looking into his eyes.

“Okay.”


	16. Chapter 16

14 // swimming

The sun slipped below the cliffs and plunged the beach into purple twilight. Eventually, the music stopped, and the laughter and conversations behind me grew fainter as groups of people made their way home along the path through the woods. I made my way back to the shore, finding my shoes, and then Emily, who was laughing uproariously with Alex at something her sister had said. When I reached her, she threw her arms around me as if she had been looking for me everywhere. We gathered the rest of our things, and I looped an arm around her to keep her walking in a straight line.

“Are you okay? You look sad again.” Her arm around my shoulders squeezed a little tighter.

“Hmm? Yeah, I’m fine. Just kinda tired.”

“Do you wanna sleep over?”  
  
“No, I’ll be okay. Thank you, though.” 

I hugged Emily at her front door, thanked her again for getting me out of my house and my head, and promised I’d talk to her soon. I walked northeast through the town square and climbed the stone steps that led to the abandoned community center. When I reached the top, I gazed across the open space at the old building. With its climbing vines and dark, hollow windows, it seemed out of place next to the colorful playground and bubbling fountain nearby.

I sat on one of the benches facing the fountain, listened to the running water, and took a few deep breaths. My wait was long enough that no imagined scenario turned out well. Feeling a familiar twitch in my chest, I counted every breath until I heard Harvey’s footsteps coming up the stairs. He approached and sat carefully on the bench beside me.

“Thank you for coming,” he said.

I nodded and hesitantly looked up at his face. I hadn’t noticed before how tired he looked, how sad. I found his eyes, and he slightly smiled, only for a moment before he looked away.

“You wanted to talk,” I reminded him.

“I’m sorry, Peach,” he said, his eyes meeting mine again.

“What are you sorry for, Harvey? Which part?” Weeks of frustration began to pour out of me. “Your office? Your apartment? Or when you decided you know everything about what I need or want?” I wiped my tears before they’d had a chance to fall.

“I have no excuse.”

“If there was someone else, you could have just told me.”

“Wha– no, there’s no one.”

“Please don’t lie to me, Harvey. I saw you with Maru today.” I twisted my fingers together in my lap. “If I had known I would have never–”

“Peach. Nothing is going on between Maru and me.” He reached out and touched my hands. His eyes were sincere.

“Explain then.”

“I’m not sure where to begin,” he sighed and leaned back on the bench. “I’m sorry I put words in your mouth. And for the way that I am.”

“You were so kind, Harvey. After Shane hurt himself, I was so scared and sad, and you were the only one who understood how I felt.” I opened my hands and held on to his fingers. “I liked you. I thought we could just… like each other. And then immediately, you just decide you’re not what I want.” I let go of his hand and wiped fresh tears away. “How can you know the answer's ‘no’ when I haven’t even asked a question?”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.  
  
“You mentioned that.” Harvey pulled me into a hug. He smelled of salt and smoke. “Stop, I’m fucking mad at you.” He let me go. A moment later, I pulled him back and cried into his shirt. He held me gently, his fingertips entwined in the ends of my hair. “If you don’t want to be a part of my life, you have to stop telling me what to do.”

“Peach,” he whispered. “I needed to know you were safe.”

“I'm fine,” I said softly.

“Will you let me walk home with you?”

“You can’t come in. It’s a mess.”

“I’ll take you to the door.”

“Porch steps.”

He offered me his hand and I took it. Instead of walking toward the stairs, Harvey led me past the community center, and we turned left. I looked at him questioningly.

“You asked me to explain. It’s a long story, so I thought we’d take the long way,” he chuckled dryly. He laced his fingers through mine, speaking softly as we walked together. “I moved to Pelican Town six years ago, the summer before I turned thirty. I’d only been out of school for about three years. I used to practice at a hospital in the city, and I worked a lot in the emergency room back then. I treated a lot of people and tried to do the best I could for them. But not every patient pulls through.

“It’s a nightmare, doing absolutely everything in your power to keep someone here and they go anyway. But that’s nothing compared to telling a family their loved one is gone. And that can’t possibly touch what the family feels at that moment.” He sighed. “I spent three years with people on the worst days of their lives. Three years surrounded by every possible type of pain, after eight years of school, and I never really wanted to be a doctor.” I squeezed Harvey’s hand. He squeezed back gently.

“I wasn’t in a good place when I decided to move out here. I started my practice because I hoped that, in a smaller town, I wouldn’t feel so surrounded by death all the time. I was relieved to be in a place where catastrophes weren’t an hourly or even a monthly occurrence. All the same, every day, I still wake up afraid that someone will come through my door, and I won’t be able to help them. No matter how far away I am, I can’t help but think of the people I failed back then.”

“I can’t imagine how that must feel.” I lightly brushed my fingertips down Harvey’s left arm. He stopped walking and wrapped me in his arms. I held him tightly.

“I know you’re angry with me, but thank you for listening.”

“Thank you for talking to me.” We held each other for a minute, surrounded by the rhythmic hum of nocturnal insects in the woods around us.

“I don’t get close to people, Peach. I can’t,” he whispered. “But when you said my name, I forgot to be afraid.”

“But you remembered again.” I reached up to touch his face and felt his tears. He put his hand over mine.

“I’m a coward, Peach. Please forgive me,” his eyes met mine. Though I still felt there was something he wasn't telling me, I nodded. He closed his eyes and held me closer. 

“What now?”

“I’ll walk you home,” he said.

I wrapped my arm around his waist, and he rested his hand on my back. We followed the path through the trees, and I found I didn’t want to go back to the farm. I gripped a handful of his shirt in my fist, hoping I could hold on a little while longer. The trail led us to an uncleared section of my property. The ruined greenhouse which had sat empty for years loomed ahead of us in the darkness.

“This way,” I said as I took his hand and led him out through the mess of trees and undergrowth into an area of recently cleared land. 

Before us stretched the fields of corn and wheat. They shone under the bright moon, and the sporadic sparks of fireflies flickered between the tall stalks. Harvey and I walked along the sections of tomatoes, peppers, blueberries, and melons. I stopped when we reached the flower garden where the poppies and sunflowers stretched toward the starry sky. 

“You did all of this.” Harvey smiled and gently squeezed my hand.

“I had help,” I shrugged. “And there’s so much more to do.”

Harvey turned me to face him and held my gaze. He tilted my chin and touched his lips to mine. I tangled my fingers in his hair as he pulled me closer. Even as my heart swelled, I braced myself for the goodbye. Tears welled in my eyes, and we broke apart.

“I’m so sorry,” I cried. “I wish I hadn’t–”

“Peach,” he whispered. “I’m not sorry about what happened between us. I only regret hurting you.”

We walked to the porch steps and sat down, looking out at the fields, blue in the moonlight. I leaned against him. He rested his cheek on the top of my head and gently brushed my hair with his fingertips. 

“You looked beautiful today, laughing on the pier with the wind in your hair.” 

“It doesn’t feel like that was today,” I said softly. Harvey’s lips brushed my forehead, and I looked up into his eyes.

“When you look at me like that,” he whispered, cheeks flushing. He didn’t finish his thought. His mouth was on mine, and I found myself in his lap, my shins pressed against the edge of the stair below him. My fingers brushed his jaw as we moved together. The thumb of his hand on my waist brushed my ribs beneath my shirt. I pulled away and found his eyes, wondering if this would help or hurt us worse. 

“Harvey,” I whispered, “this won’t change anything.”

“No, I don’t think so.” He cradled my cheek in his palm. I leaned into his warm chest. As soon as he was gone, I was sure I would shatter. I kissed his neck and wished he could want me for longer than just that moment. His arm drew tighter around my waist as my lips found his again. I tried not to think about what tomorrow would bring. None of this would matter in the morning, and I wasn’t ready to miss him yet. I just wanted to love him while I still had a chance.

“I don’t want to say goodbye.” The words spilled out of me, and I realized they were truer than I wanted them to be.

“We don’t have to yet,” he murmured, “we can like each other a little while longer.” I stood, offered him a hand, and led him up the steps. 

“It’s a mess,” I said.

“I don’t mind.”

I opened the screen, pushed open the door, and invited him in.


	17. Chapter 17

15 // caught in time, so far away

I opened my eyes and Harvey was still there, breathing softly with his arm around me. He looked calmer than I had ever seen him, his brow unfurrowed, his lashes lightly resting on the tops of his cheeks. Shadows of past smiles remained around his closed eyes. The morning light crept through a gap in the curtains sending soft white lines and shadows across the rumpled blanket.

I carefully got out of bed and reached for the kettle on the table. On my way to fill it, I quietly picked up my clothes that were scattered across the floor and shoved them under the bed in a pile. I looked through the bag of clothes Emily had brought me and found a flannel robe in a deep green. It would be too warm to wear it in a matter of hours, but it would do for the moment. I pulled it on and tied it around my waist. I lit a fire, placed the kettle near the heat, and, after dusting off the table, scooped some coffee grounds into a filter.

Pulling the kettle away from the heat as it began to steam, I poured water through the filter into the waiting cup below. I scooped more grounds into a fresh filter and poured a second cup of coffee. I looked back at Harvey, snoring softly on my pillow. His glasses lay folded on the end table next to the TV. I set a mug down next to them and gently sat on the bed. I lightly touched him and his eyes fluttered open.

“Oh, hi,” he smiled sleepily. He sat up and reached for his glasses. Once he could see again, I handed him his coffee. He took a big sip and set the mug down. “Thank you.” 

“I wasn’t sure when you usually get up,” I said, “but I need to start work soon.”

“I’ll get out of your way.”

“No rush,” I said softly. “Finish your coffee.” 

“Peach,” he reached for my hand, pain in his eyes.

“It’s okay, Harvey. I know.”

He pulled me close to him, his hands in my hair, my head on his shoulder. I knew it was over. My heart already ached and I wasn’t sure if it would ever stop. I walked to the table, took a drink from my mug and put the fire out while he dressed. A tentative hand touched my waist and I turned. Harvey gathered me in his arms again and kissed the top of my head. I held him tightly, my eyes squeezed shut.

“Please take care of yourself.” He lifted my chin to see my face. 

“I will if you will.” I slid on my boots and we walked to the porch steps where we stood in silence for a moment, hand in hand in the hazy morning. “Goodbye, Harvey.”

“Goodbye, Peach.” He let go of my hand and I watched him walk down the stairs and through the gate to the path toward town. I twisted my hair into a bun, picked up my watering can and got to work.

When I’d finished outside, I picked up the pile of clothes under my bed and dumped it all in the bathtub. I turned on the water, measured out some detergent, and began to scrub. When I’d finished, I let the water out, rinsed each piece of clothing under the running water, and hung it over the tub to dry. I swept the main room and took the rug outside to shake out the dust. I cleaned the coffee cups and the pour over, saving the wet grounds to make more fertilizer. I scrubbed the tub, toilet, and sink. When there was nothing left to clean, I climbed into bed and held my pillow while I watched the weather. More hot sunny days were ahead, but the fall was approaching. 

I picked up my journal and listed what I wanted to plant in the next season. Amaranth, for Marnie’s goats, fairy roses, eggplant, pumpkins, grapes, cranberries, yams. I wondered how much I could actually afford to grow. I drew a simple map of the fields I had cleared, trying to figure out how the new crops could fill the space. I drew an empty square in the place I wanted to build my coop.

I looked around at the faded papered walls and the homemade curtains on the windows, listened to my clothes still dripping in the tub. The vase on the table stood empty next to the stack of books. I felt a pang of guilt for holding on to them for so long. I looked again at the bag of clothes that Emily had brought me. I laid it all out on the bed, sorting the clothing into piles by what I thought I would actually wear. I tried on a few things I liked. A couple of pairs of jeans would fit once I asked Emily to hem them. I put away what I decided to keep, folded the rest, and repacked the bag.

Twiggy mewed at the door and I pushed open the screen to let her in. She rubbed her face on the door frame before winding between my legs and hopping up on the bed for a nap. I realized I had run out of distractions and sunk down onto the bed. I lay next to Twiggy, gently petting her soft little head. It was hours too early to sleep. I considered going to visit Emily at the saloon, but it was Friday and there was sure to be a crowd. I didn’t want to be alone but I didn’t want to be around anyone either. 

I lay on my back and closed my eyes, trying to deepen my breaths. I felt like I couldn’t get enough air. As I sat up the room went dark for a moment and slowly throbbed back into view. I closed my eyes again and leaned against the wall until I felt I could get up. I went to the medicine cabinet and swallowed a pill with a handful of water from the sink.

I slid against the wall to the bathroom floor, looked up at the dripping laundry overhead, and laughed at myself. And then I let myself cry.

* * *

I followed the trail past the bus stop with my journal and a hand-me-down denim jacket, pushing forward despite the urge to turn around and run back to the farm. I had a lot to talk about with Dr. Warren but I was dreading the part where I had to go through the clinic to call her. On Harvey’s phone. What the fuck had I been thinking? I counted my breaths until I reached the clinic. I put on my jacket, opened the door, and walked up to Maru at the counter.

“Hey, Peach.”

“Hi, Maru.” I pulled an envelope of cash out of my back pocket. “I have a monthly payment, an appointment, and a refill.”

“Sure. Just a second.” Maru rolled in her chair to the desk on the opposite wall and typed some information into the computer. She set the envelope under the keyboard and rolled back. “Looks like we didn’t get your vitals and blood last time.”

“Oh.” My face felt hot.  
  
“No worries, we can take care of it now.” Maru stood and walked through the door behind her and opened the waiting room door a moment later. I followed her to the exam room and sat on the chair in the corner. Maru washed her hands and put on a pair of gloves. As she wrote my temperature and blood pressure on a clipboard, I slipped an arm out of my jacket. Maru dragged over another chair before tying a bandage around my bicep.

“Good, you have easy veins,” she smiled as she cleaned my skin with alcohol. She drew my blood and when she had finished, taped a bit of cotton to my arm. “You can go on back for your appointment,” she said, standing and removing her gloves. “I’ll have your refill ready when you’re done.”

“Okay. Thanks.” 

I walked out of the exam room and through the double doors. Harvey’s office door was closed. I climbed up, hesitating for a moment before I opened the door at the top of the stairs. The room looked exactly as it always had. I tried not to look closely at anything as I moved to the couch and picked up the phone. I dialed Dr. Warren’s number and closed my eyes.

“I um,” I took a deep breath. “I think I need some advice on getting through a breakup?”

“I didn’t realize you were in a relationship.”

“I wasn’t. There was a brief sort of… thing, since the last time we talked.” I was describing it all wrong. “I tried to get closer to somebody and it didn’t really work out.”

“I’d like to hear your thoughts on what happened and what this experience made you feel.”

“It seemed like we both wanted the same thing. And we kind of did, but… it was more complicated than that, I guess? I don’t know. I feel like I did everything wrong and it all got blown way out of proportion.” I thought of Harvey’s closed door downstairs. “And now I’m pretty sure we’re both worse off than before. I don’t know. I’m sad. And I’m angry, with him and with myself.”

“I’m hearing there may have been a lack of communication between you and this person.” 

“Uh-huh. I mean, we eventually talked and we agreed that we’re not gonna be anything to each other. And I get it, I really do, but understanding why doesn’t make it any easier. I just wish we could have figured it out before it got so... messy.”

“Well, what we don’t want to do is ruminate on things that might have been. We can’t change what’s already transpired.”

“Yeah, I’m trying to keep that in mind. I also haven’t seen him since everything happened. But this town is so small and I can’t stop thinking about how weird and awful it’s gonna be when we inevitably run into each other. It makes me feel sick. But it was barely anything, right? I think I let my feelings get out of control. It’s been like two weeks and I should be over it by now, right?” I let the tears fall, relieved that there was no one there to see them.

“It sounds like you've recognized quite a few thoughts that are contributing to your anxiety. Can you tell me if you recognize any thought distortions in what you just told me?”

“I’m catastrophizing again, aren’t I?”

“Yes, but we’ve also talked about the word ‘should’. You don’t need anyone’s permission, including your own, to have feelings, Peach.”  
  
“Okay.”

“This month I’d like you to try to identify a few specific anxiety-producing thoughts and see if you can pick out any of the thought distortions we’ve discussed. I’d like you to try to counter those distortions with evidence as we practiced before. Please write down a few examples in your journal and we’ll talk about them next month.”

“Okay.”

“I’d also like you to focus on staying in the present moment and be sure you’re not isolating yourself. Try to take some time to be with a friend this week. What do you want to work on from your personal bill of rights?”

“I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.”

* * *

Every step seemed to echo as I walked downstairs after my appointment. The door to Harvey’s office was still closed when I passed. I pushed through the double doors and walked through the corridor to the frigid waiting room. Maru sat behind the counter watching the silent TV on the wall. 

“Oh, Peach. I have your prescription.” She stood up and held out a white paper bag. “Everything alright?”

“Huh?”

“Your eyes are all red. Tough session?”

“Oh, no. Everything’s fine.” I took the paper bag on my way toward the door. “Thanks. See you next month.”

I stepped out into the sunny square and took a deep breath, relieved to be out of the clinic. I couldn’t decide if I felt grateful or annoyed that Harvey had hidden in his office the whole time I was there. I shoved my meds into my bag and walked towards the saloon to visit Emily, ready to follow Dr. Warren’s advice. As soon as I stepped inside I froze. Sitting in his usual seat at the end of the bar was Shane. He heard the door close and turned toward me.

“It’s water.” he half smiled and held up his glass.

“When did you get back?” I walked over and hung my bag on the back of the stool next to him before I sat down. Shane still looked moody and a little scruffy, but his grey eyes were bright. 

“This morning. I went by the farm a while ago but you weren’t there.”  
  
“Yeah, I had an appointment this afternoon. How are you?” 

“Sober. Doctor appointment?”

“Therapy, actually. I do it over the phone.”

“I’ve been doing a lot of that too lately.” He took a sip of his water and set his glass down on the bar. “Listen, Peach. I’m really sorry about what happened. I never wanted you to see me like that.”  
  
“You don’t have to apologize to me, Shane.” Tears began to well in my eyes again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t really around for you before. I told you I would be and then I just bailed.”

“Peach. You were the actual definition of there for me. Thank you for helping me.”

I slid out of my chair and hugged him. I stopped trying not to cry. “I’m so happy you’re back.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he chuckled. “I’m glad to be back too. I almost missed this place.”


	18. Chapter 18

16 // heavenly bodies

Having Shane back made the days pass a little easier. Often he’d stop by the farm on his way home from work and we’d sit on the porch and talk. He told me about his experience at rehab and we shared what our therapists had us working on. It felt good to have someone to confide in about the tangled mess of thoughts that took up too much space in my brain. Emily, and occasionally Leah, would sometimes join us by the fire pit to talk about our days and make plans to get together more often. On the last day of summer, Emily, Shane, and I planned to meet up to watch the migration of bioluminescent jellyfish that passed by the beach every year. Emily had boasted of the exquisite beauty of the moonlight jellies; Shane had merely shrugged. I waited outside the ranch for Shane so he and I could walk to Emily's before the three of us would head down to the beach.

“You could have waited inside," he said with his usual scowl.

“It’s not business hours. And it's kinda nice out today.” I smiled as Shane rolled his eyes and we strolled along the pasture fence.

“How've you been?” he asked.

“Fine. Doing much better lately. How about you?”

“Same old.” He thought for a moment before speaking again, slowing his pace. “Look, I’m sure you talked about whatever happened this summer with your therapist but, you know. If you need a friend.”

“You’ve been talking to Emily.” I grumbled.

“Yep.” He smirked and gently nudged me with his arm. “We’re both wondering why you won’t talk about it, though. She said you disappeared for like a month.”

“She’s exaggerating a little.” I tried to choose my words carefully. “What it boils down to is that I made a stupid decision and now I’m dealing with the consequences.”

“That’s not super vague or anything.”

“I don’t really want to dwell on the details. Can we at least go do the fun thing before we talk about the difficult stuff?”

“I wouldn’t exactly call watching jellyfish fun,” he chuckled. “Even if they do light up.” When we arrived, Emily was already outside waiting. She linked her arms with the two of us and excitedly dragged us along the path past the cemetery and over the bridge. 

“What’s in the bag, Peach?” she asked.

“A towel for us to sit on. And I thought, since we’ll be by the beach anyway, I might as well return Elliott’s books.”

“Good, you’ve only had them all summer.” Emily laughed. Shane raised an eyebrow over her shoulder. 

We made our way over the sand and water to the end of the pier. I unrolled the towel and sat cross-legged at the edge, Emily and Shane next to me. The three of us sat, talking about nothing in particular, until the last light faded from the sky and more people trickled down to the beach to see the jellyfish. I tried to keep myself from looking around at everyone but I saw Leah and Elliott sit down together not too far away . I took a deep breath and smelled the sweet smoke from someone's cigarette mingling with the salty air. I felt a strange nostalgia for a younger, dumber version of myself long left behind.

As the sky changed from pink to purple and the first stars appeared, I tuned out the conversations around me and listened to the ocean and the wind. The sky darkened to navy blue and the first of the glowing blue jellyfish began to glide by with the current. It was a joy to be under the sparkling stars, to look out over the translucent glimmer of the creatures as they fluttered along with the waves. Shane had gotten up to stand with Marnie and Jas, who excitedly pointed out the baby jellies she’d spotted in the shallower water. Emily and I sat together quietly until they had all floated away. I felt silly for letting myself feel lonely for so long when in reality I had been surrounded by good people all along.

We said goodbye to Shane who carried a sleepy Jas home with Marnie. Emily helped me fold my towel which kept whipping back and forth in the wind. She rolled it up and tucked it into the bag on my shoulder before we walked back to shore. The lights in Elliott’s cabin were still off.

“He must still be on the docks,” I said.

“Want me to wait with you?”

“No, you can go ahead. I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”

“Okay. Get home safe.”  
  
“You too, Em.” 

I hugged her goodbye and walked up the little stone path to the cabin. I let my bag fall to the sand at my feet and leaned against the wall near the front door, facing out towards the water. It seemed everyone else had already gone home. Eventually, I saw him walking back up the beach. I reached down into my bag and pulled out his books.

“Hello, Peach.” He looked surprised to see me.

“Hi, Elliott. I brought your books back. Sorry for keeping them so long.”

“That’s no problem at all, I hope you enjoyed them.” He took the books out of my hands and tucked them under his arm. “Thank you for coming by.” 

“So, how’s writing and stuff?”

“Not great at the moment,” he sighed. “I’m sure I can get it back on track but I’ve been stuck on some details that I’m not sure are important. I keep going back and forth.”

“I hope you can figure it all out,” I smiled nervously. “If you ever maybe want an outside perspective, I’d kinda like to read your writing. Only if you don’t mind,” I added, certain there was no way my opinion would be of any use to him.

“I’ll think about it,” he said, “though I typically don’t share my work until It’s complete.”

“That makes sense.” I picked my bag up off the sand. “Well, I should probably get going. Thanks again.”

“Peach?” His long hair blew softly in the breeze. “My birthday is on Friday and I was planning to meet up with Leah at the saloon. I wondered if maybe you’d like to come along?”

“Um, sure. I’d like that.”

“Okay,” he grinned, “I’ll see you then. Have a safe walk home.”

“You too. I mean, have a good night.” My face went hot and I was glad it was dark. Elliott laughed softly as he turned his key in the door. I started to walk toward the bridge, glancing back before I turned the corner. He was still there. I gave a little wave, which he returned before he disappeared into the cabin.

* * *

I cleared the fields of the dying summer crops and fertilized the soil before planting my new seeds in the ground. Already I missed the lush green of the summer as I looked over the sections of stirred up earth. Happily, the corn and wheat still looked healthy and I was sure I’d be able to grow a few more sunflowers before the temperatures dropped too low. 

The afternoons were still unbearably hot. I was thankful to have slightly less to do outside while I waited for the new crops to come in. On Friday I immersed myself in a tub of cool water until I felt I could endure a warm shower. When I was clean, I pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of shorts, brushed and tied my hair up in my towel to dry. I couldn't decide what to wear. It was sure to be a bit chilly later on, and I didn’t know how long I planned to stay out. I pulled out a pair of blue jeans and a soft, cream-colored t-shirt and laid them out on the bed with my chunky grey sweater. I frowned. While internally scolding myself for suddenly deciding to care so much about my looks, I rummaged through the bag of Emily’s clothes I still hadn't returned. I laid everything out and tried a few combinations. Standing on the edge of the tub to better see myself in the mirror, I decided on a pair of black high-waisted jeans and a silky, blush pink tank top. All I had to do was cut a few inches off the bottom of the pants.

When the sun began to set, I brushed my hair, put on some mascara and lip balm and pulled on my denim jacket and boots. I put my clothes, plus a few new ones, back in my trunk and packed the rest of Emily's clothes so I could return them. I was half way out the door before I remembered Elliott’s birthday gift. I tucked a small jar of blueberry preserves into my bag as I left for town. I made it halfway to the saloon before I realized I’d taken the main path and would have to pass the clinic on my way through the square. For a moment I considered turning around and going the other way, wondering if it was weird to plan a different route just so I wouldn’t have to pass a certain building. I breathed deeply and evenly and decided to keep going.

The door to the Stardrop thudded closed behind me. The place was still pretty empty for a Friday. Emily was talking to Pam at the left end of the bar and Leah sat with a glass of wine at her usual table. She looked up and waved enthusiastically when she'd noticed I'd arrived.

“Hi, Peach! I’m so happy you made it.”

“Hi, Leah. Me too.” I smiled and grabbed a seat, stowing the clothes under the table and hanging my bag on the back of my chair. 

“You look cute,” she smiled.

“Thank you.” I beamed. “How have you been?”

“Pretty good. I’ve been sculpting a lot lately. My hands are so tired I can barely hold this glass.” She laughed before sipping her wine. “Elliott should be here soon. He’s probably brushing his hair.”

All at once I felt guilty and fake in Emily’s clothes. Why had I dressed up to impress someone I had no business trying to impress? I fought the urge to get up and run back to the farm. There was no comparison between the two of us. Leah looked effortlessly gorgeous with her long red braid and violet eyes. She was so talented, and most of all, unfailingly kind. I needed to stop being such a horrible friend.

“So how long have you two been together?” I asked timidly. To my complete confusion, Leah burst into bright laughter.

“Elliott’s just my friend. I’m, uh, not interested in men,” she giggled.  
  
“Wait, really?” I laughed and hid my face in my hands. “I’m so sorry, Leah, I feel like such an idiot. I’ve thought you guys were a couple since like… as long as I’ve lived here.”

“Why didn’t you ask me before?” Leah’s giggles had subsided and she wiped a gleeful tear out of her eye. I shrugged and studied the wood grain of the table, feeling foolish.

“I didn’t want to be nosy.”

“You worry too much, Peach.”

“So I've been told,” I muttered.

The saloon grew louder by the minute. The regulars were all in their usual places and the empty space had filled up quickly with the Friday night crowd. A hand placed a glass of red wine in front of me.

“Elliott, you’re not supposed to buy your own drinks on your birthday,” Leah scolded.

“I put them on your tab.” He laughed as he lowered himself into a seat took a drink from a glass of whiskey. Leah laughed her bright laugh and rolled her eyes. Elliott glanced in my direction, still smiling. I touched the base of the glass of wine in front of me.

“I'll get the next round then,” I said.

Leah and Elliott chatted about their current projects and I told them both a bit about the new bee box I'd built for the farm. A short while later, Willy came over to wish Elliott a happy birthday. He pulled up a chair and soon he began telling us stories from his years working on a fishing boat. Emily soon wandered over from behind the bar to listen to his tall tales, as did Clint when he realized Willy wasn’t coming back to their table. Soon we were all talking and laughing and, for the first time since I came to Pelican Town, I felt like I was a part of the community instead of watching from the outside. I noticed Elliott looking at me and he half-smiled.

As the night progressed, I began to grow weary of all the noise. I gave Emily her bag of clothes and settled my tab. My eyes wandered down the length of the bar and I saw Shane in his usual seat on the other side.

“Hey, when did you get here?" I asked as I moved down the bar toward him. “I didn’t see you come in.” 

“A while ago. I was in the game room. What brings you out on a Friday night?”

“Elliott invited me, it’s his birthday. I wish I’d seen you sooner, we could have all hung out.”

“No offense, Peach, but I wouldn’t have gone over there anyway.” He took a long drink of his water.

“Oh.” While I had grown used to Shane’s constant sullen expression, he looked more dour than usual. I was confused; he’d never shied away from spending time with Emily, Leah, and me before. “Everything okay?”

“No worse than any other day. You should get back to the party.”

“I was actually about to head back to the farm.”

“Well, goodnight then.” He set his glass down and leaned his elbows on the bar, shutting me out.

I walked back to my chair and put my bag over my shoulder. I said goodbye to the group around the table and left the saloon. I had just stepped into the square when I heard the door behind me open again.

“Peach!” Elliott appeared in the doorway and hopped down the steps after me. “I forgot to say, please feel free to stop by the cabin and borrow another book, if you’d like. I’m not bragging but I have a better collection than the library.”

“I’ve been to the library and I don’t think you’re bragging,” I laughed. 

“I was a little bit, to tell the truth.” He chuckled softly and ran a hand through his silky hair.

“Oh, I almost forgot.” I dug in my bag and found the jar of preserves. I held it out to him. “Happy birthday. I made this and I really hope you don’t hate it.”

“Thank you, Peach,” Elliott beamed. “I’m sure it’s great.”

“It’s blueberry preserves. If it tastes bad, it wasn’t on purpose and I’m very sorry.” Elliott laughed again and I pushed the toe of my boot between two paving stones, wondering if it were possible for me to be any more awkward.

“You’re quite charming, you know.” In the light of the streetlamp above us, I could see Elliott’s cheeks had turned the faintest shade of pink. Both of us laughed, a little nervously. Elliott looked around at the empty square and the dark buildings around us. “Would you like me to walk you home?”

“The farm’s on the complete opposite side of town from your cabin.”

“So?”

“You live closer and it’s your birthday. I should be walking you home.”

“Okay then,” he said. He offered me his arm. “Shall we?” I half smiled as I pinched the fabric of his sleeve and pulled him toward the southern bridge. 

“Let’s go.”

Elliott was tipsy; quick to laugh and a bit unsteady on his feet. My own cheeks were warm from the wine and I found him much less intimidating than I had before. We made our way to the beach but instead of taking the stone path to the cabin, we walked out to the pier where we had talked that one day in early summer. We sat about a foot apart and, for a few minutes, listened to the waves wash ashore behind us.

“Thank you for coming out tonight. I had a lot of fun.” Elliott smiled and gently brushed his hair behind his shoulder.

“I did too. Thanks for inviting me.”

“So, the farm must occupy a lot of your time.” 

“It does. I think the fall will be my busiest season yet.”

“Oh.” He paused. “I thought summer must have been busy.”

“Why?”

“Well,” he hesitated, “you never made it back to the beach.”

His eyes were on the water and he chewed his lower lip. I briefly wondered if he’d been looking for me, waiting for me to come back. I couldn’t quite believe it. I smiled, a little sadly.

“It wasn’t just the farm.” Elliott looked at me, waiting for me to continue. I sighed and tried to find the point where the dark water met the sky. “It’s a long, boring story but there was somebody I liked this summer. I got too close to them too quickly and it all kind of blew up in my face. I was really sad and it took longer to get over it than I would have liked.” I suddenly remembered who I was talking to. “And only you and my therapist know about this,” I laughed nervously. 

“Thank you for telling me, Peach.”

“Thanks for listening.” I felt a little self-conscious again. “I don’t know what it is about being near the water in the dark that makes me so chatty.”

“It could be the wine,” Elliott said. I couldn’t help but return his smile.

“You’re probably right.”

“I wonder if you’re the green light glowing across the water,” he mused after a short silence. 

“What?”

“Is he your Gatsby?” he teased.

“Absolutely not,” I laughed. “And I’m a little offended you’d think I’d be Daisy. If anyone, I’m Jordan. Jordan would probably say ‘fuck’.”

Elliott laughed and the sound was like music. He leaned back on his hands and looked out over the dark ocean. I remembered the last time we were here together and how magnificent he seemed, his forehead lined, his eyes bright and focused, golden in the sun. He caught me looking and half-smiled.

“What are you thinking about?” My heart swooped.

“Nope, I already told you a thing about me. It’s your turn.” 

“What would you like to know?” He asked, narrowing his eyes.

“Why’d you decide to move here?”

“I came here to write.”

“You already told me that,” I laughed. “I meant, what did you do before? What made you decide to come here?”

Elliott leaned forward, his elbows on his crossed legs. “I went to college near my hometown, worked at a coffee shop and eventually at a bar. I always knew I wanted to go someplace else and, to my surprise, I found a cabin on a beach that I could afford. I thought simple living and the proximity to the ocean would inspire me.”

“Did it?”

“This place is heavenly in many ways,” he said, “but the simple life isn’t any easier than ordinary life. Your turn.”

“I have follow-up questions,” I protested. 

“If I have to earn an answer then so do you.” Elliott crossed his arms.

“Fine then,” I said, stretching my legs out in front of me and leaning back on my hands. “Ask me something.”

“What’s your favorite color?” 

“Every color the sky is. What’s your favorite word?”

“My favorite word?” he laughed. “Like your favorite color, it changes all the time.”

“What is it right now?”

“Shadowy. What were you thinking about?”

“Wasn’t I supposed to walk you home?”

“Don’t avoid the question,” he smiled and gently nudged my knee.

“I was thinking about the beginning of summer. The day I came to the beach.”

“What about that day?”

“Nothing in particular.” He could tell I was lying. With a resigned smile, I continued. “It was just a much better day than I thought at the time. Sometimes you don’t realize you’re happy until you’re not anymore.” Elliott nodded. I kept my eyes on the water but I could feel him looking at me. “Is it late? It feels late.”

“It’s a little after one.” I let out a quiet groan as he put his watch back into his pocket.

“I need sleep. I have a lot of work to do in a few hours.” I stood up, stretched, and picked up my bag. Elliott reached a hand up and I helped him to his feet.

“You still have to walk me home,” he smiled.

“I guess I can do that,” I smirked. “Since it’s on my way.”

We turned our backs to the water and walked toward the shore. Side by side we crossed the sandy beach to the stone path. When we reached the door, Elliott gently wrapped his arms around me for a moment. My heart pounded so hard I thought he might feel it.

“Thank you again. For the gift and for spending time with me.”

“You’re welcome,” I said with another nervous smile.

“Get home safely,” he said, “and come visit me soon.” I nodded.

“Goodnight, Elliott.”

“Goodnight, Peach.”

When he’d closed the door I smiled at the starry sky above the empty beach. The sound of the waves faded as I made my way toward the bridge.


	19. Chapter 19

17 // drive

Fall turned out to be undeniably my busiest season. While I didn’t have much spare time to read, I did try to find the time to go visit Elliott. I decided I’d have the most time the day after the next planting day. The wheat I planted over the summer was almost ready to harvest and I had already bought enough seeds to replant. I looked up at the silo full of unused feed and thought to check my savings to see if I could afford to build a coop.

I had been putting aside more than ten percent of each shipment’s earnings to go toward my medical bills. I pulled my milk bottle and an envelope of cash out of my trunk and set them on the table. I dumped the bottle onto the table and counted my savings. I barely had enough. I looked at the envelope and wondered if I should take back just enough for the unexpected. Would I really mind being completely broke for a few days before my next harvest? I tucked the envelope back into my trunk. My payment wasn’t due for another week so I decided to stick with the plan unless the ‘unexpected’ actually happened. I put my money in my pocket and almost ran to Robin’s shop. Excited and out of breath, I told her I’d finally saved enough and we worked up the plans to build my coop.

A couple of days later I stepped out of my house to find the small structure had been completed. I had a busy day ahead with the harvest and replanting but I hoped I would be able to make it to Marnie’s to buy a chicken. All the happiness ran out of me as I realized I had already spent all my money and would have to wait another day. As I picked up my scythe I decided this situation qualified as unexpected. More money would be going into that envelope tomorrow anyway.

After I harvested the wheat and placed it in the shipment box, I picked up my hoe and began to work the soil. When I finished, I planted the new seeds and watered each section of crops. The days had been growing gradually cooler already. It felt strange to still be outside after noon and not be burning up in an old flannel shirt and bluejeans. I was also amazed I had managed to finish all my planned work so quickly. I was tired, but I was about to buy a chicken.

I kicked my boots against the steps to shake off the excess dirt before I went into the house. I washed my hands and face and re-tied my hair into a high ponytail. I opened my trunk, pulled a few bills out of the envelope and tucked them into my back pocket. I carefully replaced the envelope between the wall of the trunk and the empty bottle. I let the lid fall closed and I pulled the front door shut behind me. I walked south to the path through the woods to Marnie’s. 

When I came to the clearing I froze. Elliott walked by the river, impeccably dressed, as usual, in a navy jacket, striped shirt, and dark blue jeans. I looked down at my dad’s old flannel shirt, my ripped-up, dirt-stained jeans, and work-worn boots. I wondered if I could duck into Marnie’s without him seeing me. As I considered it, he suddenly looked in my direction and waved. I waved back before walking toward him down the path. 

“What brings you out this way?” I asked when I was nearer.

“The forest is marvelous this time of year, don’t you think?” His eyes seemed greener today. They lit up when he smiled.

“Just out for a walk, huh?” I half smiled and crossed my arms.

“Of course. I’ve often found a stroll through the woods refreshes me.” He held up a small plastic bag. “Would you like some pomegranate seeds?”

“Um, sure.” He poured out a small number of seeds into my open hand. “Thank you.”

“Pierre had a few pomegranates in stock today and I couldn’t resist. They’re my favorite.” He turned back to watch the river rushing past us. I tucked a few of the jewel-like seeds in my shirt pocket. Their red-pink juice stained my palm. I ate the rest, enjoying the burst of sweetness as I bit into them.

“Elliott?” I looked up at him. “I was thinking about coming by the cabin tomorrow to look at your books, if that’s still okay.”

He turned to me and grinned. “By all means. So what brings you to the forest?”

“I was just on my way to Marnie’s,” I smiled. “I’m buying a chicken today.”

“So you built the coop after all? Congratulations.”

“Thank you. It’s been an exciting few days.” I glanced at the door to the ranch a few yards away. “I’d better get going before Marnie decides to close up early, though.”

“It was a pleasure running into you, Peach.”

“You too. See you tomorrow?”

“Absolutely. So long.”

“Later, Elliott.”

I walked back up towards Marnie’s and pushed open the door. Not long after, I emerged with a tiny chick in a cardboard box punched with a few round holes. Elliott seemed to have either gone home or deeper into the woods. Back on the farm, I pulled open the door to the coop and ducked inside. I sat on the floor, opened up the cardboard box, and watched the fluffy, yellow chick hop around. I gently picked her up and welcomed her to her new home. 

“What do I call you, little one?” I smiled. “Petunia?”

She hopped over and tried to catch the lace of my boot in her tiny beak. I reached out and gently touched her fuzzy head with my fingertips. I watched Petunia explore the coop, nosing curiously around in the corners where the walls met the floor. I made sure there was plenty of hay in the feeding trough and hoped she wouldn’t be too lonely tonight. I decided to get a second chick as soon as I could so Petunia would have a friend.

“See you in the morning, little bird.” I backed out of the coop and latched the tiny chick safely inside.

I pulled the pomegranate seeds from my shirt pocket and brought them to my table. I carefully removed the tiny seeds from their juicy pulp and placed them on a towel where I’d let them dry for a few days before trying to get them to sprout. I had no idea if they’d grow when I planted them, but it wouldn't hurt to try.

After a quick shower and a change of clothes, I lit a fire and roasted some corn and a few hot peppers. As I ate I tried to remember what having a real kitchen was like. I had never cooked very much in my apartment in the city, the counters used more for holding onto clutter than anything else. I cleaned up a bit before I crawled into bed for the evening and turned on the TV to check the weather. A bit of rain headed our way meant the next day would be easier than I had planned. It was still pretty early, but I was exhausted. I switched off the TV, snuggled into my blanket and closed my eyes. I thought about the next day, a visit to Petunia, a quick walk through the fields, then down to the beach to borrow a book. The thought of seeing Elliott again brought an involuntary smile to my face.

In the morning, I walked through the misty drizzle to the mailbox to collect my earnings from my shipment of wheat. I set a bit aside to add to the envelope and put the rest in my milk bottle. I checked on Petunia who hopped around the coop and played in the hay that now littered the floor. I crouched down and stroked her fluffy head with my finger. I made sure she had enough water and food, closed up the coop, and went back to the house. I brushed my hair and pulled on a clean pair of my least ripped jeans and a dark green cable knit sweater. I pulled on my socks and boots and wondered if it was too early to head down to the beach.

I decided to make a cup of coffee. While the kettle warmed near the fire, I heard Twiggy crying outside the screen door, wanting to come in from the rain. I opened the door for her and refilled her water bowl before checking that she had enough food inside. She curled up near the fire to dry her wet fur and I scratched under her chin as she loudly purred. I picked up the steaming kettle and poured the water. I paced around the room while I waited for my coffee to cool. My excitement had morphed into worry. 

I took a pill with a sip of coffee and tried to breathe deeply and evenly. I opened my journal and tried to figure out what was making me anxious. Sometimes I felt the thoughts passed through unconsciously, imparting their message and leaving no other trace of their presence. I closed my eyes and tried to focus on the twitchy feeling in my chest as if that’s where the thoughts were hiding. I wrote down a few thoughts just to get them out of me. _I always say the wrong thing. Nobody actually likes me all that much. Shane is mad at me, I must have done something to upset him. Elliott doesn’t really want to see me._

I looked at each sentence and wrote counterpoints to each thought. _Sometimes I say the wrong thing but nobody expects me to be perfect. I have good friends. If Emily, Shane, and Leah didn’t like me they wouldn’t worry about me or care if I'm okay. I can’t read Shane’s mind. I’ll have to talk to him and figure out if he’s upset. Elliott asked me to visit, which he wouldn’t have done if he wanted me to stay away._

I didn’t feel entirely relieved but my breathing had become more even and my heartbeat slowed. I scratched Twiggy’s ears before I put out the fire, finished my coffee, and rinsed the cup. I ran the brush through my hair again before pulling on my denim jacket. As I picked up my umbrella, I had the feeling I’d forgotten to do something. I looked around the room, the cluttered table and empty chair, my trunk, the brick fireplace, my made bed. I reassured myself I could take care of whatever it was later and walked outside, pulling the door shut behind me.

I took the path through the forest and cut through the southern part of town. Raindrops dripped off the yellow and red leaves and spattered against my umbrella. The fog pressed so heavily against the beach I could barely see the edge of the water. Further on, everything disappeared into the grey. I listened for a moment to the sounds of the waves and falling rain then walked the stony path and knocked on the cabin door. There was no answer. I couldn’t see through the fog if he’d gone down to the pier. I waited a minute before knocking again.

“Just a second,” his voice called from behind the door and I let out a relieved sigh. I stepped back and looked to the east of the cabin. Through the fog I could make out a second beach across where the river emptied itself into the ocean. There was a broken bridge nearby. The cabin door swung open.

“Hi, Peach. Sorry about that, I was mid-sentence. Please come in.” He smiled. I closed my umbrella and leaned it against the outside wall. Elliott held open the door as I stepped inside. The room was not much bigger than my own. There was a desk in the back left corner with a typewriter and stacks of paper. Over the desk hung a single electric light with a bare bulb. The rest of the room was lit by the grey light filtering through the windows and a lantern on a small table that held a candle. There was an old upright piano in the middle of the far wall, and his bed was in the other corner. He had a painting on the wall and a few potted plants. I stepped into the room and turned around to face a tall shelf almost completely filled with books.

“Wow.” I smiled.

“Feel free to browse until you find something you like,” he grinned. “I’d like to keep working while you look, if you don’t mind.”

“Sure. Thanks, Elliott.”

He sat down at his desk, and reread a few of his finished lines. He wrote something in his notebook and began to type. The only sounds were the tapping of the typewriter keys and the soft rain falling on the roof. He did have a much better selection than the library, which had mostly reference books on agriculture and town historical records. While they were useful if you needed that sort of information, there just wasn’t much there if you wanted to read for enjoyment. They did at least offer a selection of paperback books that had been donated over the years, mostly romance and crime novels. 

I ran my fingertips across the spines of the books on the shelf. Elliott seemed to have every book I’d ever heard of and even more I hadn’t. He had classics, fiction from every genre, reference books, books on writing, memoirs, plays, and anthologies of short stories and poetry. There was a section of one shelf full of books with unmarked spines and I wondered if they were filled with his own ideas. I didn’t know where to begin. 

I eventually picked up a collection of short stories. I had never heard of the author, but from the condition of the cover, it seemed that Elliott had read it a lot. I flipped through the first few pages to the first story and began to read. I lowered myself to the floor, leaning against the wall between the bookcase and the bed, and lost myself in the story. I realized I didn’t hear the typewriter anymore and lifted my head. Elliott frowned at me from the opposite corner of the room.

“You don’t have to sit on the floor.”

“Is there a rule against it?” I smiled. Elliott chuckled and rose from his chair. He came over to me and offered me a hand. I took it and he pulled me to my feet.

“Did you find something interesting?” I checked the page number before closing the book and handing it to Elliott. “Oh,” he smiled. “I love this one. But I don’t think I can lend this to you, it was a gift and it’s out of print.”

“That’s okay, I understand.” My eyes traveled from the book in his hand to his face. “Would you mind if I read it here? I won’t distract you while you’re working.”

“Make yourself comfortable.” Elliott handed the book back to me. “Not on the floor, please.”

Elliott sat back down at his desk and wrote something in his notebook. I sat at the foot of his bed, sinking a bit into the soft mattress. I crossed my right knee over my left and opened the book again. Elliott alternated between writing in his notebook and tapping out sentences on his typewriter. I could only see half of his face but he had that look I’d seen before at the beach. I smiled and returned my attention to the book. I had just begun the second story when Elliott slid his chair away from the desk.

“Where are you?” He asked with a smile.

“I just finished the first one.”

“Would you perhaps like to join me for lunch at the saloon? I’d enjoy hearing your thoughts about it.”

“I didn’t bring any money with me. I’d have to go by the farm first.”

“Peach,” his eyes found mine. “What I meant was, I’d like to buy you lunch, hear your thoughts about the story, and maybe get to know you better.”

“Oh,” I was certain my face was bright red but I couldn’t hold back my smile. “I’d be- I mean, okay.”

“Great,” he grinned. He pulled a deep red jacket over his white long sleeve shirt and opened the cabin door. I placed the book on the nightstand and followed him. He opened my umbrella and held it over the both of us as we walked to town. The fog wasn’t as heavy as it had been before but a damp haze lingered in the air. I looked up at Elliott, who smoothed his hair with the hand that wasn’t holding the umbrella. I wondered if he felt nervous too.

We sat in a booth in the corner of the saloon. Elliott ordered us each a glass of wine and we talked a bit about the story before the conversation drifted to more personal topics. I told him how I came to inherit Willowbrook Farm and a bit about my life before.

“What was your favorite thing about living in the city?” Elliott asked.

“When I lived there I loved the constant noise. Sirens, cars going by all the time. It's noisy here too, but it's different sounds. Birds, the wind, bugs and frogs at night. I think I like it better here. What about you? What did you like about your hometown?”

“Truthfully, I didn’t like my hometown much at all. I still have a few friends there, my parents and my brother, but I haven’t been back to visit since I moved here. None of them really believe that I can make it as a writer and as soon as I go back they’ll think I’ve given up.”

“It’s horrible that they’re not more supportive. You’re obviously passionate about writing.”

“Obviously passionate?” He smiled and my cheeks flushed. 

“I saw you working today,” I tried to explain. “You just looked really focused, I guess.” I twisted my glass on the table. “So how’s the novel going, anyway? Did you ever work out those details?”

“I did. I don’t think I’m ready to share much about it yet, but it’s really been coming along lately. I think I’ve broken through the block.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” I smiled. “I hope you’ll let me read it when you finish.”

“I promise I’ll give you a copy.” He brushed his hair behind his ear. “Do you know what you want to eat?” 

Gus came by a moment later to take our orders and returned soon after with crab cakes for Elliott and a salad for me. We finished our lunch and we walked together out of the saloon into the misty rain.

“I forgot to pick a book to borrow,” I said, stepping closer to him beneath the umbrella.

“I’m finished writing for today. I can recommend something if you’re interested.”

“I’d like that.”

We began to walk back to the cabin. I looked up at him, admiring his strawberry hair that fell across his shoulders, his face, masculine features delicately placed. I felt delighted to be with him, but also bewildered and very aware of my heartbeat. I softly brushed his knuckles with the back of my hand. He glanced down at me and smiled before taking my hand in his. 

“Thank you, Elliott. For today.”

“You’re welcome, Peach.”

When we reached the cabin, Elliott picked out a book he thought I would like, eventually, placing a copy of Frankenstein in my hands. He asked me to bring it back when I’d finished but told me I could come around sooner, if I found the time. He understood that I’d be busy with the farm in the coming months; he would be busy, too, with his writing. I told him it would depend on what I had going on, but rainy days would probably be the easiest. He said he hoped for a lot of rain this season.

When he walked me to the door he wrapped me in a hug. He was warm and his shirt smelled of cedar and cloves. He leaned forward and gently placed a kiss on my cheek. I didn’t let myself think. I stood on my toes and softly, briefly touched my lips to his. He grinned broadly in surprise.

“Bye, Elliott. I hope I see you soon.”

He waved goodbye and watched me walk away down the path to the bridge.

* * *

Early fall went by much too quickly and without any rain. I spent each day watering, maintaining, and harvesting crops. I was finally making some steady money and replenishing my savings. I got another chick from Marnie and named her Polly. She and Petunia would both be laying eggs by winter, so I would at least have some way to earn income when the soil became cold and hard to plant. Each day the trees seemed to drop more and more seeds on the ground. I spent a lot of time collecting them so I wouldn’t have to work as hard to re-clear the land in the spring. Leah had given me a recipe for a sort of granola bar made from the seeds. They weren’t particularly appetizing, but they were free and good enough for an extra boost of energy.

I’d had another phone therapy session and once again, Harvey had hidden behind his closed office door. Dr. Warren seemed happy to hear I was doing better after my mess of a summer. We talked about my remaining symptoms, my journal entries, meds, and lab work. We covered a few more skills and determined my mantra for the next month: I have the right to change and grow.

One crisp, sunny morning, after I took care of the quickly growing chickens and watered all the crops, I sat down on the porch steps and looked out over the fields. There were a few things ready for harvest today, but I was physically exhausted. And I was tired of waiting for it to rain. I went inside and changed into my softest pair of jeans and a pullover sweatshirt. I brushed my hair and pulled it up into a ponytail. I looked in the mirror and decided to put on mascara and a slightly tinted lip balm. I pulled on some socks and sneakers, and my denim jacket.

I arrived at the beach and inhaled the salty air. The wind whipped around me. It was much colder on the beach than at the farm. I picked up a few seashells off the sand before I walked up the path and knocked on Elliott’s door. I stepped back to wait, assuming he was working again. A minute later the door opened.

“Oh, Hello,” he smiled. “Did you finish it?”

“Not yet,” I replied. “I really haven’t had time to read lately. But I’m making myself take a break today and I was wondering if I could read here quietly and not bother you while you work.”

“Please, come in.” He held the door open and I entered the cabin. While it wasn’t much warmer than it was outside, the cabin still felt cozy. I sat down at the foot of the bed. “Where’s your book?” I groaned and flopped back on the bed as I realized I’d left my bag behind. 

“I forgot it at home.” I hid my face in my hands. Elliott laughed and reached over to his nightstand. He handed me the book of short stories, letting his fingertips linger on mine for a moment. Then he was back at his desk and typing again. I kicked off my shoes and scooted back on the bed to lean against the wall. I opened the book and peeked up at Elliott. He glanced over at me and we both smiled. “I’m not here,” I said, and he returned to his work. 

When I had finished the second story, I closed the book and stretched my arms over my head. Elliott had been typing consistently for quite some time. Once again he had that look in his eye. I watched him for a little while, the printed portion of the page growing longer as the words flew from his fingertips. I quietly got up and went to the bookshelf. I picked up a thesaurus and flipped through it as I moved back to the bed.

Elliott reached the bottom of his page. As he fed a fresh sheet of paper through the typewriter he looked over at me. I lay in his bed propped up on my elbows over the book. I glanced in his direction.

“There’s a right word for everything, isn’t there?” I asked.

“Almost always,” he said, “and when there isn’t, there’s usually a right combination.”

“Hmm,” I closed the book around my finger and sat up. Elliott eyed the thesaurus.

“What are you trying to describe?” He leaned back in his chair.

“What you look like when you’re working.” I half-smiled.

“And what word did you pick?”

“I have two. Inspirited and purposeful.” Elliott got up from his desk and sat next to me. “I have a word for how I feel when I watch you work, too.”

“And that is?”

“Spellbound.” I smiled.

“Peach, you’re reading the thesaurus. You can’t convince me you aren’t bored.” He laughed.

“I promise I’m not.” I curled my fingers around his. “I don’t know, you get this look when an idea’s grabbed you. I like watching you work.”

“I like seeing you when I look up from my work,” he said softly. His hazel-green eyes gazed into mine.

“I can leave if I’m distracting you,” I teased. 

“You are a welcome interruption.” Elliott leaned toward me and I closed my eyes as our lips met. When we broke apart he put his arms around me.

“I like you, Elliott,” I said as I snuggled closer to him.

“I like you too, Peach.” 

“I’m sorry I’m so busy all the time.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I know how hard you work.”

“I worry you’ll get tired of waiting for me.”

“How could I, when you’re at the end of the waiting?” He smiled and my heart felt like it might burst.

“I know it’s a ways off,” I said, “but in the winter I’ll have a lot more time.”

“And the fair is coming up,” Elliott said. “We can find time for each other.”

“Do you think you’ll still like me by then?”

“I know I will.”

“Are you going to be mad if I keep distracting you from your work?” I reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind Elliott’s ear. It was every bit as soft as it looked. I brought my hand down, grazing his jaw with the backs of my fingers.

“No,” he smiled. “I’m finished for today.”

“Do you want to go do something with me?”

Elliott and I walked out of the cabin and I led him to the broken bridge that would have led to the beach across the river. We ventured into the woods behind the cabin and began to gather the strongest fallen branches we could find. While I arranged what we’d found, Elliott went to ask Willy for some rope. We tied the wood together and laid it across the flowing water. One at a time we crossed our little bridge and when we were both on the other side, Elliott took my hand. We walked together along the edge of the water, collecting shells and coral that had washed up onto the sand. We explored the tide pools until the sun began to set. Elliott lit a campfire on the beach outside the cabin and we sat in its warmth, side by side on the sand. I wasn’t sure when it had happened but I didn’t feel as nervous around him anymore. I began to wonder why I had felt that way at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to slow down on posting chapters because I've almost caught up to what I have completed so far. I just want to make sure I'm not rushing to post updates that aren't as good as they could be. I hate making y'all wait because I really want you to know what happens next but I also want to make sure I'm not rushing myself. I'd hate to end up posting something that's not very good haha. Thanks as always for reading and for being patient with me while I finish this project <3


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains spoilers for Harvey's eight heart event. I do not claim ConcernedApe's work as my own.

18 // silver

On another dry mid-autumn day I walked into town for an appointment with Dr. Warren. I had tucked my envelope of cash into Elliott’s copy of Frankenstein, which I had planned on returning to him after my visit to the clinic. Though the typical routine had changed significantly, I had finally begun to adjust. Maru would accept my payment, check my vitals, draw my blood, and send me upstairs. The office door would remain closed. The one thing that remained exactly the same was the temperature of the waiting room, which was only a touch colder than the air outside. 

“Hey, Peach, you’re a little early.” Maru stood from her chair behind the counter and accepted my payment. “Since I knew you were coming I went ahead and filled your prescription.”

“Thanks, Maru.” 

“Let’s go ahead and do the rest too, you can come on back.” She motioned for me to come through the waiting room door and I followed her into the exam room. While she washed her hands, I pulled off my jacket and sweater, ready to have my blood pressure taken and blood drawn. “Where’d you get your tank top? It’s cute.”

“Emily,” I laughed. “And thanks.”

“I shoulda known.” Maru smirked. After she got my vitals and my blood, she took off and disposed of her gloves and handed me a prescription bag. “You can go on up. I’m heading home soon since you’re the last patient today.”

“Oh, okay. Well, bye, if I don’t see you later.” I pulled my sweater back on.

“Bye, Peach.”

I waved and walked down the corridor and through the double doors. Barely glancing at the closed office door on the left, I walked up the steps to the apartment. I pushed open the door and immediately froze. At the desk, in front of his pile of strange electronics and equipment, was Harvey. He had on a pair of headphones and was speaking a series of numbers into a microphone. I heard a buzzing voice respond through a speaker on the table. Harvey relayed a final bit of information to the voice before taking the headset off. He set it on the desk and turned around in his chair. 

“Oh,” he said, startled to see me at the door. He looked at his watch.

“I… I have an appointment today.” My voice was just above a whisper.

“Yes, I’m so sorry. I lost track of time.” He pointed toward the equipment on the desk, his eyes bright with excitement. “I just made contact with a pilot and gave him my coordinates. I think he’s going to fly over.” He walked around the desk and gestured for me to follow. “Come look out the window.”

I hesitated before I walked over to the window and looked up at the sky. A plane soon flew overhead, lower to the ground than I would have expected. 

“I always wanted to be a pilot when I was younger,” Harvey said as the plane disappeared from view. “It was easier said than done with my poor eyesight and fear of heights.” He chuckled softly. I was suddenly aware of how close to me he stood. My muscles tensed as his right hand gently touched the ends of my hair and moved to the small of my back. I jerked away, knocking into the desk and sending the pair of headphones over the edge. They fell to the hard floor with a clatter. He looked at my face and backed away holding up his hands as if in surrender.

“Peach,” he started. “I’m sorry, I–”

“What the fuck?”

“I’m sorry.” 

“What do you want?” I stood with my back against the wall by the window. “To spend another night in my bed and then hide away for a few more months? You don’t get to change your mind.” Harvey raised his eyes and looked into mine. His penitent face twisted slightly as if he were in pain. 

“You found someone else.”

“That’s not the point.” I tried to keep my voice at an even volume even as I shook with confusion and anger. I stepped forward. “I don’t only exist when you want me to. I’m not doing whatever this is. Not again.” 

“Please, Peach.” His voice was strained, his eyes desperate. “It’s not what you think. I’m sorry–”

“You’re sorry for yourself, Harvey. You’re only wondering how things might have been if you made a different choice.” His eyes fell to the floor and he nodded. 

“Ever since we said goodbye.”

“No. You didn’t want me.” I shook my head, forcing the words past the knot that had formed in my throat. “Why are you telling me this?”  
  
“Who else could I tell?” he choked.

“Literally anyone else.” Furious tears welled in my eyes. “This is bullshit, Harvey. You had time to make things right if that’s what you really wanted. It’s not my job to make this easier for you. And I won’t say I’m sorry for trying to be happy so don’t act like I’m breaking your heart because I’m moving on.” 

“No, you’re right,” he said softly. “I just hoped–”

“Please tell Dr. Warren I have to reschedule.” I rushed past him out of the apartment and shut the door between us. I quickly descended the stairs, pushed through the double doors, and nearly collided with Maru as I approached the waiting room.

“Whoa, slow down.” She frowned when she saw my face. “What happened?” I shook my head and tried to push past her but she wouldn’t let me by. Her hands were on my shoulders and her eyes moved to the double doors. “He’s upstairs?” I nodded, panic still bubbling inside my chest. “Shit.” Maru took me by the arm and pulled me back into the exam room and gestured toward the chair. I sat and she leaned against the exam table, facing me. “Let’s talk.”

“I don’t really want to talk right now.” I took a deep breath and managed to keep myself from crying.

“Alright, just listen then.” She crossed her arms. “I don’t know exactly what happened between the two of you but I’ve noticed enough to make an educated guess. I haven’t seen him this fucked up in years, probably since he first moved here.” I shifted nervously in my seat. “I’m gonna tell you something about Harvey. He doesn’t open up much, so I’m sure you don’t know he had a completely different life before he moved out here. He worked at some big hospital, making good money, and he was engaged to a woman named Violet. They met when he was still in school and they were together for years, but she broke off their engagement not long before he moved out here. He wasn’t in a good place. He had just left behind the promise of a prominent position in the hospital, and its salary, and the change conflicted with Violet’s plans for her future. She left him and ended up married to some surgeon a few months later.”

“That’s terrible,” I said softly. “Like, really awful.”

“Yeah. For as long as I’ve known Harvey, he’s had this policy of keeping absolutely everyone at arms’ length. Further, if possible. I’m not saying it’s healthy or anything, but it was working for him. Anyway, I hadn’t planned on saying anything. At first it was kinda cute to see him get all excited on days you’d be coming by the clinic. But he’s been an absolute wreck for months. He’s pretty good at hiding it, but when he’s not with a patient he’s either locked in his office or upstairs. Whatever happened between you two has seriously fucked with his head.”

“Maru, I didn’t realize…” My words faltered under her glare, only partially obscured by the fluorescent light reflecting off her glasses. “What are you trying to say?”

“I think maybe you should stay away.”

“I…” I started, trying to fully comprehend what she’d just said. I took a deep breath. “I don’t know how to stay away any more than I already have. I am only here because I don’t have a phone and because I owe him so much fucking money.” 

“Well, it sounds like we’re on the same page then. I’ll make sure you don’t run into each other again.”

“Okay. Great.” I spoke the only words I could summon in a small, hollow voice. I pulled my bag over my shoulder and stood. Before I’d entered the exam room I had been certain this situation couldn’t have possibly become more confusing or complicated. My heart and thoughts raced as I left the clinic, and walked quickly through the square before breaking into a run as I reached the path that led to the farm. I felt a twinge in my heart, the memory of a pain I thought I’d finally forgotten. The further I ran, the more my insides seemed to twist together. I didn’t feel I could have explained the circumstances in any intelligible way and I was certain an explanation from me wouldn’t have made Maru any less angry. And Harvey. Again, I’d let my own anger take control and I’d already begun to wonder what he would have said if I’d given him the chance. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it but, with Maru involved, I was sure I never would. 

The book in my bag bounced against my ribs and I remembered my plan to go to the beach after my appointment. The disaster of an afternoon replayed itself in my mind; this morning all I’d thought about was choosing a new book and spending time with Elliott. My thoughts had been so far from last summer. I was moving on, like I was supposed to. Why, then, when Harvey had asked if there was someone else, did it feel like an accusation? His pained face flashed in my mind and I felt every bit as horrible as everything Maru had told me about Violet. Had he pushed me away to avoid the very pain he was feeling now? I began to wonder if all of this was my fault after all.

When I reached the farm, I sank to the ground at the gate and tried to catch my breath. The empty farmhouse peeked through the trees. I didn’t want to be there. I got up and walked south along the property, taking the path that led to Marnie’s. I walked through the woods to the pond and out onto the dock. The sun sat low in the sky, its light filtered through a canopy of nearly bare, grey branches and deep green pines. The water was calm and quiet. The air grew colder as the light slowly faded. I sat still at the edge of the dock, hugging my knees and willing my mind to be silent.

I heard a door slam and I opened my eyes. Someone was walking toward me around the edge of the pond. As he grew closer I realized it was Shane. He walked to the end of the dock and placed a blanket over my shoulders before he sat down next to me.

“You know it’s freezing, right? How long have you been out here?”

“I don’t know. A while.”

“Do you want to talk?” There was an unfamiliar note of softness in his voice.

“I want to go home.”

“Okay, I’ll walk with you.”

“No, I mean… I think I want to leave. Like go back to the city or something.”

“Oh. Well that would suck,” he said. “For me, I mean. I’d miss you.” I covered my face with the blanket to muffle the sob that escaped my throat. Shane hesitated for a moment before wrapping an arm around my shoulders. 

“You can tell me what’s going on, you know I won’t judge. Or we can just sit here. Whatever you want.”

“I’m so confused,” I cried into his chest. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” Shane gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze and sat silently with me until I calmed down again. I wanted to be honest with him about Harvey but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. It was awful enough that Maru knew that something had happened, whether she had the full story or not. She was probably right to ask me to stay away. I had already caused enough trouble between the two of us. Talking about it would probably make it worse. “I’m so stupid, Shane. I had a fresh start here and I fucked it up already.”

“Do you really want to leave?” he asked quietly.

“No.” I sat up a little straighter and dried my face with my hands before tucking them back inside the blanket. Shane’s arm fell to his side. “When I was little, whenever my mom got mad at me I used to run away. We had woods in our backyard, and a little creek, and there was this spot in a hollowed out tree by the water where I used to hide and wait for someone to find me. I guess it’s just an impulse I never outgrew.” I took a shuddering breath. “Really, though, I don’t know where I would go. There’s nothing left for me in the city. I didn’t have any real friends, I was barely qualified for my old job, and I’m not really good at anything. Maybe growing things, but half the time I’m not sure I’m doing that right either. The last time I ran away I ended up here and I’m still sad, and I’m lonely, and every time I try to change that I feel like I fuck something up.”

“Listen, whatever is going on probably isn’t my business and I’m not gonna force you to tell me. But you need to know you have real friends now, and we’ll be here for you when you need us. And it’s okay to need us every now and then. We love you, kid.”

“Thank you,” I said softly. I leaned forward and put my forehead on Shane’s shoulder.

“Any time,” he replied, his tone still soft and sincere.

“I thought you were mad at me.”

“Nah, my face just looks like that,” he chuckled. 

“I just haven’t seen you since,” I hesitated, “I tried to talk to you at Elliott’s birthday.” 

“Right, at the saloon. Where you guys were all drinking.”

“Fuck.” I sat up straight and found his eyes. “Shane, I’m so sorry, I must not have been thinking.”

“It’s fine. Em and Gus know not to serve me, but I just don’t want to put myself near it if I don’t have to, you know?” He shrugged. “Also, Elliott doesn’t really like me.”

“Oh. Why is that?”

“Because I’m kind of an asshole.” he chuckled.

“Really?” I smiled. “That’s it?”

“Far as I know. Well, that and I didn’t let him flirt with you at the dance.”

“What?” My cheeks went warm.

“Just kidding. You fucked that up yourself.”

“Wow. Okay,” I laughed softly. “Anyway though, I’m really proud of you, Shane.”

“Fuck off,” he smiled and gently punched my shoulder.

“I’m serious. How have you been doing? Are you feeling happier?” 

“Can’t you tell?” he scowled. I lightly punched him back and we both laughed.

“Thanks for finding me. And listening. And making me feel less shitty.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he smirked. “Can I walk you home now? It’s fucking freezing out here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never been more nervous to post a chapter and I get nervous EVERY time I post a chapter.


	21. Chapter 21

19 // basic instinct

In the days that followed, I was mostly able to put the incident at the clinic out of my mind, except for a letter I’d received. 

_Peach,  
_ _In regards to your missed appointment, Dr. Warren’s schedule is fully booked for the next several weeks, and she will be unable to reschedule. She looks forward to speaking with you again during your next scheduled appointment on the tenth of next month.  
_ _Your cancellation fee will be deducted from your previous payment, and the remainder will be applied toward your next session.  
_ _Best,  
_ _H_

I folded the letter and shoved it into my pocket, irritated by his damned professionalism. My mood had soured until I noticed another envelope in the mailbox, which contained a fortuitous distraction. While I knew the fair had been approaching, I hadn’t realized I would be required to participate beyond merely attending. Mayor Lewis’s letter informed me I would have to put together a display of produce and artisanal goods to show at the fair. Though I wasn’t excited about the prospect of my work being judged, I was happy to throw all my focus into a new project. I visited Marnie to see if she could give me some guidance since I wasn’t sure exactly what I was supposed to do. I was grateful for her advice and her offer to walk with her to town on the day of the fair in case I needed help carrying anything. I began to plan my display, hoping to represent the best that Willowbrook had to offer and to prove that my past three seasons of hard work hadn’t been in vain.

On the morning of the fair, Shane stopped by the farm with a wheelbarrow to help me transport my produce to the town square. I loaded in my biggest pumpkin and a few of my best looking ears of corn. The rest was light enough to carry and too fragile to roll along the bumpy road ahead of us. We met up with Marnie and Jas outside the ranch and walked together toward town. Marnie and I chatted back and forth as we set up our displays. Her enthusiasm and positivity were contagious, and I was sure I would enjoy the day, despite our displays’ proximity to the clinic. 

I turned my focus to setting up the bushels of amaranth, corn, and a half-dozen eggs next to the pumpkin, trying to arrange everything in a pleasing way. I then filled the remaining space with jars of sunflower honey, pickled artichokes, cranberry preserves, and grape jelly. Emily had given me some scrap cloth to cover the metal lids, and I had labeled them in my neatest handwriting. I finished with a bouquet of fairy roses, which I had promised to let Jas keep once the judging had finished. I was pleased with how everything looked, though next to the others, I still looked like an amateur. I did give myself credit for bringing extra jars of my pickles and jellies. I was certainly not going to let the mayor judge them without being sure he’d tasted them first.

As morning turned to afternoon, the square gradually filled with people from in and out of town. Lively children dragged their parents to the tents filled with various games, and a delicious, smoky scent drifted down the stairs to the fountain where Gus was cooking outside for everyone. The noise and excitement around me had done wonders to brighten my mood. I minimally participated in a conversation with Marnie and Pierre, and I was glad to look busy when I heard the clinic door open and close over my shoulder. Still, I couldn’t help but watch as Harvey passed, offering a polite wave in our direction before he joined Maru at the mouth of a nearby tent. Maru’s eyes locked onto mine, and I nodded, silently agreeing that my preoccupation with Harvey and the events of last summer had gone on long enough. It was well past time to let it go.

The day wore on, punctuated by brief conversations with those who dropped by to look at the displays. Having no real idea of what I was supposed to do, most of the interactions I had with people visiting from out of town were slightly awkward. I found myself explaining how new I was to farming again and again. I tried hard not to compare my display with the colorful abundance of Pierre’s produce and Marnie’s flawless presentation of large eggs, cloth, and fancy cheeses. I hadn’t expected to win first prize or anything, but it was hard to take pride in my work when it stood next to products that were so plainly better. 

I hung around my display until Mayor Lewis stopped by to judge our products. He shook my hand and thanked me for my contribution to the fair. Since they wouldn’t announce the winners until later in the afternoon, I decided to take some time to explore, saying hi to Shane briefly before Jas pulled him away to play another game. I found Emily, who was trying to show Haley and Alex she could be a better clown than the one hired for the event. Alex was firmly on Emily’s side during the debate, which didn’t seem far off from a physical altercation as they demanded the clown lend Emily his hair so she could prove it. I coaxed Emily away from the disgruntled performer, and we walked together to get something to eat.

We ascended the stairs and found Leah and Elliott sitting together at a picnic table. They waved us over, and I approached as Emily wandered off to grab a round of drinks. She returned remarkably quickly and set two bottles of beer in front of me.

“You gotta catch up, Peach, you’re way behind.” She grinned before launching into telling Leah the story of her confrontation with the poor clown. I took a long sip of beer and turned to Elliott.

“Will you help me with this?” I asked, touching the nozzle of the full bottle of beer on the table with the one in my hand. “Maybe with that too?” I tilted my head in Emily’s direction. 

“We’ll keep an eye on her,” he smiled. “How are you? It’s been a while.” 

“Until a couple days ago, nobody told me I had to do things today, so I’ve been busy making a display that looks like it came from a real farm.”

“Ah yes, Pelican Town has high expectations of its agricultural community,” he chuckled. “I’ll have to come to take a look at what you brought. The food is so good we’ve had trouble peeling ourselves away. Can I get you something?”

“That’s kind of you to offer, but I can get it myself.”

“Please, I insist. I refuse to be the person who makes you do more things on your day off.” He half-smiled as he stood and wandered off towards Gus and his grill.

“Well, that was cute.” Emily grinned at me, her chin in her hands, elbows on the table. My face felt warm in the crisp air, but I couldn’t hold back a smile.

“When did that happen?” Leah leaned toward me across the table.

“We’ve hung out a couple times since his birthday.” I took another sip of beer and set the bottle down.

“I’m surprised he didn’t say anything,” Leah smiled.

“I mean, it’s not anything serious.” I picked at the edge of the label on my bottle. “But that’s okay, I’ve had a weird year and spending time with him is just… nice.”

“So stinkin’ cute.” Emily’s eyes flickered toward Elliott, who was making his way back to the table with two plates of food. “By the way, did you win your farm thing?”

“The judges looked at the displays, but they haven’t announced the winners yet. I’m sure I’m not among them, though. Maybe next year.” I shrugged and finished my beer as Elliott took the seat next to me. He slid the second plate across the table to Emily.

“I thought you might be hungry too, Emily.” He smiled.

“Wow, so thoughtful.” Emily grinned and wiggled her eyebrows, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

As we ate, Emily filled us in on what she’d been up to all day, which had mostly involved her and Alex turning the fair games into drinking games, to Haley’s annoyance. I reached for the second bottle of beer and found Elliott’s hand instead. I instinctively pulled my hand away with a nervous laugh. He smiled and slid the bottle closer to me and I took a drink. When I had set the bottle down, Elliott reached for my hand under the table, curling his little finger around mine.

I decided to head back down to the display before the judges announced the winners. The others said they’d join me in a little while, and after the announcement, they agreed to show me around the rest of the fair since I hadn’t had much of a chance to enjoy it yet. As I rejoined Marnie, I noticed a few folded bills tucked under one of the jars in my display.

“What’s this?” I asked, holding up the money for her to see.

“Oh, someone offered to buy a jar of your pickled artichokes. I saw you brought a few extras, so I didn’t think you’d mind. Did he leave enough? I’m not sure what you charge.”

“More than enough. I’d just planned to sample those out.” I tucked the money into the back pocket of my jeans. “Should I put you in charge of my pricing?” Marnie laughed warmly.

“Peach, I’m sure you don’t hear this enough. You’re doing great work on that farm of yours, sweetie, great work. I’m very proud of you, and I’m sure your grandpa would have been proud of you, too.” I stared at her for a moment and let her words sink in before I hugged her.

“I don’t think I realized how badly I needed to hear that,” I said, tears stinging my eyes. Marnie patted my back and laughed softly. 

“I meant it too. You’re doing better than you think you are.”

“Thank you.”

We sat and watched the fair happen around us for another little while. Soon, Elliott and Leah finally came down with Emily, who was slightly less boisterous after having eaten. They were just in time for Mayor Lewis to announce the winners. I wasn’t surprised when Pierre and Marnie took first and second place, but I was shocked when he awarded me third. Mayor Lewis shook my hand again and placed a white ribbon on the table next to my display. As silly as it may have been, it felt like a triumph. I was already excited for next year, imagining what I could put together with more time to prepare. The afternoon began to fade into early evening, and I was ready to have some fun with my friends. Marnie assured me she was content to watch over our displays for a little while longer.

“Hey, Marnie,” I said before wandering off with the others, “If the artichoke guy comes back and I’m not around, will you give him a jar of honey or something?”

“I had my suspicions, but now I’m positive you’re undercharging.” Marnie chuckled. “Bring your price list by the ranch soon; I’ll take a look at it.” I nodded and waved before joining the others. 

We grabbed another round of drinks to celebrate my sort of win and chatted around the table where we had eaten lunch earlier. I drank my beer a little too quickly, so I bought another one. I was happy to have a bit of extra money to spend, thanks to Marnie. My body felt warm and relaxed, the atmosphere light and comfortable. At some point, I must have forgotten being around people could feel this way. We eventually wandered back down to the tents and played a few games. Soon we found ourselves in the small graveyard, waiting for Emily to have her fortune told. 

“Isn’t it kind of disrespectful to set up a tent over these graves?”

“They’re dead, Leah. They probably don’t mind.” Elliott chuckled.

“It kind of adds to the spooky mood, too,” I thought aloud. “Nothing like a good cemetery in the fall.” I giggled as Leah shuddered and took another step away from the nearest headstone. A moment later, Emily emerged from the tent.

“Well, what did they say?” Leah asked.

“She said to go home and go to bed,” she laughed. “I forgot I already got my fortune told earlier.”

“That’s probably not a bad idea,” Leah replied as Emily stumbled back to where we were standing. “Come on; I’ll walk you.” She wrapped an arm around Emily’s waist and waved at Elliot and me. “See ya guys later. I’m probably gonna head home too. Today was so fun!” 

“So much fun.” I hugged them both goodbye, sorry to see them leave so soon. Though as they crossed the square toward Emily’s house, I realized there weren’t nearly as many people around as there had been before. “Tonight went by so fast.”

“It did,” Elliott said. “But it doesn’t have to be over yet.”

“True,” I smiled and reached for his hand. “Any chance you might be able to help me carry a pumpkin to my house?”

“I think I should be able to help out with that.” We made our way back towards the center of the square to pack up my display. As we passed the saloon, I saw Shane talking to Marnie and stopped, feeling guilty all of a sudden. The thought of being even a little drunk around him so soon after our talk made me feel uneasy. 

“Hey, wait a second,” I said, gently squeezing Elliott’s hand.

“What is it?” he asked, looking a little confused.

“Shane’s over there, and I don’t want him to see me like this.”

We sat for a little while on a nearby bench until Shane, Marnie, and Jas walked by along the path toward the ranch. We crossed the square, packed up my display, and began our walk to the farm. The night was quiet, and the stars shone brightly in the clear sky. Elliott seemed as content as I was with the silence between us. When we arrived, I opened up the shipping box, and Elliott put the pumpkin inside before helping me unload the rest of my bag.

“Come get your book,” I said, taking his hand and leading him up the steps. He stopped me as I reached the door, and I turned to face him. He stepped closer and brought a hand to my chin, guiding my lips to his. 

“Sorry, I’ve wanted to do that all day,” he said softly. I smiled and pulled him back to me, wanting to taste his lips again.

“Did you want to come in?”

“If that’s an invitation, yes, I’d like to come in.” 

“What are you, a vampire?” I giggled as he brought his mouth to my neck and kissed it. My stomach fluttered, but I couldn’t hold back my laughter. His breath was warm on my neck as he laughed too. I pulled open the screen door and brought him inside and switched on my one lamp. 

“Make yourself at home,” I said, taking off my boots and setting them just inside the door. “I’ll light a fire.” Elliott smiled as he looked around my room.

“This place is very you,” he said, taking a seat on my bed.

“Thank you, I think.” I shot him a smile before turning back to the fireplace. “It’s pretty small, but Robin thinks she can expand it a little. I think there might be an attic, but I haven’t found a door yet. It would be cool to open up part of the ceiling and have a loft up there. What I really want, though, is a real kitchen.” I held a piece of burning paper under one of the dry logs until it caught. “But I like my little room. It’s kinda cozy, and it always smells like woodsmoke or flowers or outside.” I stood up, dusting the ash off my hands. The warm glow of the fire reflected in Elliott’s eyes. He patted the bed next to him, and I walked over and sat, crossing one leg beneath me and letting the other dangle over the edge.

My breath was shallow, and my ribs were full of butterflies. Elliott brushed my cheek with his thumb and kissed me softly, and then more deeply. My hand moved to the back of his neck, his long hair twisting around my fingers. Something didn’t feel quite right.

“Sorry,” I whispered as I pulled away. 

“Are you okay?” he asked gently.

“Yeah. Sorry, I’m kind of in my head right now.”

“Should I go?” I shook my head. “Here,” he reached for my hand. “Close your eyes.” I did as he asked. 

He wrapped his hands around mine and gently massaged my palm with his thumbs. I focused on the sensation, his warm hands laced between my fingers, the pressure rolling from the center of my palm toward my wrist. My breathing slowed as I began to relax. His hand moved slowly to my wrist, then up my arm to my shoulder. His lips brushed mine softly, and I responded. My senses were somehow both heightened and dulled; my unpleasant thoughts replaced with a gentle pulse behind my eyes. I wrapped an arm around and pulled him closer, smelling the slightly smoky room and tasting the sweetness of his tongue. He placed his hand on my back underneath my sweater, and I shivered under his touch. He flinched when I touched his cheek.

“Your hands are cold,” he whispered. He brought my fingers to his lips and warmed them with his breath. His eyes seemed not quite the right shade of green. My heart sank as I realized whose eyes I had remembered. Why couldn’t I just forget?

“I’m feeling kinda dizzy,” I said, closing my eyes and resting my head on Elliott’s shoulder. He chuckled and patted my back.

“I’m pretty tired myself.” He said, pulling away from me to stretch his arms and back. 

“Elliott,” I said, gently brushing his knee with my knuckles, “will you stay with me?” He gathered me in his arms and kissed my hair. 

“As long as you’ll have me.”

I peeled off my sweater and jeans, leaving them in a heap on the floor, and covered myself with the quilt. Elliott had folded his jacket, shirt, and pants, hanging them neatly on the back of the chair before crawling in next to me. I settled into his arms. He brushed his thumb across my hands and softly kissed the back of my neck. I closed my eyes and listened to the rhythm of his breath and the fire crackling in the corner. The feelings of guilt and confusion stirring in my chest subsided, his arms around me somehow keeping me safe from my swirling thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can’t spell "In regards to your missed appointment, Dr. Warren’s schedule is fully booked for the next several weeks and she will be unable to reschedule. She looks forward to speaking with you again during your next scheduled appointment on the tenth of next month. The cancellation fee will be deducted from your previous payment and the remainder will be applied toward your next session." without "I’m sorry I love you."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains (slight?) spoilers for Elliott's six heart event. I do not claim ConcernedApe's work as my own.

20 // dizzy on the comedown

The weeks flew by, the last harvest passed, and snow covered the fields and pastures outside the rippled glass of the farmhouse windows. Elliott seemed to have grown tired of waiting for me to visit him. He began to show up at the farm at least once every week, bringing over books or food so we could cook together. As the nights had grown colder, I often insisted Elliott stay with me rather than the old drafty cabin on the beach. He’d brought over another chair so he’d have a place to sit at the table, and often he’d edit his work while I researched ways to expand my income in the new year. 

In his unending mission to bring me into the fold of the community, Mayor Lewis had written to request my presence at the Feast of the Winter Star. Before moving to Pelican Town, I hadn’t heard of this particular gift-giving holiday which would take place at the end of the month. Each person in town would present a gift to a randomly designated recipient. My recipient was Marnie, and I struggled to think of something I could give her to thank her enough for all the support she’d given me over the past year. She had helped me negotiate higher prices for my preserved foods, of which I had enough stored to earn a regular, though still paltry, income throughout the rest of winter. She was the sole reason that, in a few weeks, I would take my last monthly payment to the clinic and leave with one less worry on my mind. Since money was still tight, and I had no idea what to do. 

Elliott and I walked down to the beach one afternoon so he could retype a few edited pages, and I could check the crab traps we had tied to the pier. The winter air felt perpetually grey, even as the small spot of the sun tried and failed to defrost the dormant earth. I still wasn’t used to the odd mix of sand and snow on the shore, the color of the ground abruptly changing from light to dark at the tideline. While I usually loved to be close to the water, the icy wind made it almost unbearable to stay for long. Shivering on my way down the pier, I wondered how Elliott had managed two winters living on this beach.

The past few weeks had seemed easier than I’d expected them to be. Not only had I had to adjust to a complete change in my daily routine, the winter months nearly always brought with them an inescapable cheerlessness. But Elliott seemed always to have something to say or a question to ask, and he kept me from getting too wrapped up in my thoughts. I smiled to myself as I pulled bits of trash out of a trap, and added more bait before throwing it back into the water. It had felt as though we were surviving winter through a collaborative effort, pooling our resources, but mostly just keeping each other company. I had to admit I’d been feeling less troubled. Still, I sometimes wondered if it were just more comfortable for both of us to be together rather than alone. I pushed the thought out of my mind and pulled another trap out of the water.

I returned to shore with three crabs in a bucket of snow. Ready to be out of the wind, I hurried back to the cabin and set the bucket down outside. I untied my boots and pushed open the door doing my best not to bring any snow or sand inside. Instead of in front of the typewriter, Elliot sat at his old upright piano, fingers still on the keys, wearing an expression like I’d caught him doing something he shouldn’t have. He turned around on the bench.

“What’re you doing?” I smiled and closed the door behind me. 

“Nothing.”

“Were you playing the piano? I didn’t know that old thing worked.”

“Oh, I don’t really play. At least not well. I used to try to,” he laughed. “A song got caught in my head, and I felt compelled to try to play it again.” 

“Don’t stop just because I’m here.”

“I’m not much of a performer.” He reached to scratch the back of his neck.

“And I’m hardly an audience,” I laughed, taking my coat off before having a seat on his bed. “Just forget that I’m here.”

“That I can’t do,” he smirked, and I rolled my eyes. “How about I trade you for it?”

“For what?”

“Something to be decided later,” he grinned mischievously.

“Hmm, no. That doesn’t seem fair.” I thought for a moment. “How about, when you discover my secret skill, I promise to give you a demonstration?”

“First of all, I wouldn’t call it a skill, and it wasn’t a secret.”

“True, if it were, you wouldn’t have this gigantic piece of evidence sitting in the middle of your cabin.” I laughed. “Also, I’m not good at anything, so my offer wasn’t worth shit.” Elliott chuckled softly.

“Why do you want to hear me play?”

“The same reason I ask you a million annoying questions about your novel,” I met his eyes, “or your family, your past, or your favorite things. I just want to know you.” 

“Alright,” he conceded. “Lower your expectations.” He turned to face the piano and positioned his fingers on the keys, hesitating a moment before he began to play. I smiled as I watched his fingers move and listened to the sweet, slightly sad melody. If he’d made a mistake, I hadn’t noticed. When he’d finished, he pulled the cover closed over the keys and glanced in my direction.

“You’re wonderful,” I said.

“It was nothing special.” He looked at me a bit bashfully. “But thank you.”

“So, are you finished working?”

“I’m taking a break,” he said as he moved to sit beside me on the bed.

“Elliott, can I talk to you about something?”

“Of course. Anything.”

“So, I know I told you a little bit about what went on over the summer.” I took a deep breath. “Um, I guess I’ve been kind of stuck on some old feelings lately.”

“What kind of feelings?”

“I’ve been feeling a little sad, but mostly mad at myself.”

“Why is that?” he asked gently.

“Because I don’t understand how I can still feel hurt over something that happened months ago. Especially because, when I’m with you, I feel happier than I’ve felt in a long time.” I met his eyes, and he smiled softly as he reached for my hand. “Anyway, I want to apologize for still thinking about it. And for being weird and kinda distant.” 

“Peach. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Some things just take time to heal.” He squeezed my hand. “Thank you for telling me what you’ve been feeling. I thought there might have been something going on, but you’re tough to read.”

“Weird that I used to be afraid of you.” I laughed softly.

“Afraid of me? Why?” He laughed.

“I don’t know if anyone’s told you, but you’re very tall. And you’re... beautiful. It’s an intimidating combination.”

He smiled and blushed, looking down at my hand in his. He wrapped his other arm around me and kissed my cheek. “You’re the beautiful one here,” he said softly.

I didn’t quite believe him, but my stomach fluttered, and I smiled. I reached up and touched his face, bringing his mouth to mine. His lips relaxed and opened, inviting me in. He let go of my hand, wrapped his arm around my waist, and pulled me closer to him. We lost our balance and tumbled back on the bed, laughing.

“It’s a shame you couldn’t finish your novel before I found all this time to distract you.” My smile faltered. “You’ll let me know if I’m bothering you, right?”

“You don’t bother me. But I promise to tell you when I need time to focus.”

“Thank you.” I touched his cheek with my fingertips. “Is now one of those times?”

“No,” he smiled and pulled me closer. 

* * *

We walked hand in hand back to the farm carrying our bucket of crabs some oysters Elliott had bought from Willy. Elliott ate more seafood than anyone I knew, and I came to realize his dietary choices, much like my own, had more to do with what he could get for free or as cheap as possible than anything else. Elliott was often not the person I expected him to be. The clothes he wore were well made, and he took such good care of them I’d never have guessed he’d bought nearly all of them second hand. I’d been quietly embarrassed to find out that some of the books I had thought to be his favorites had been held by who knows how many hands before they’d fallen into his. The book of short stories I had picked up had merely been a lucky guess. Elliott took exceptional care of himself and his things, and I noticed how he’d cringe when I’d let a stain stay on my shirt for too long or leave my clean clothes in a pile at the foot of the bed. Fortunately, for every difference between us, we seemed to find something we had in common.

When we reached the farm, we covered the table in old newspapers and opened the bag of oysters. Elliott taught me how to shuck them, demonstrating on one of them, and letting me try the next. I slid my knife through the gap in the shell, and it split apart more quickly than I had anticipated, nearly flying out of my hands. As I caught the shell, I felt something hard inside the squishy middle. I gently poked at the creature’s fleshy body, and a pearl rolled into the palm of my hand. I smiled, sure that I had just accidentally found the perfect gift for Marnie. 

Though I wasn’t sure I should, I decided I wanted to give Elliott a gift as well. I wanted to buy him a heater for his cabin, but I didn’t have the money for it. I’d almost considered borrowing from my next medical bill payment to supplement the cost but decided against it. I wondered if it was selfish to prioritize getting myself out of debt rather than give Elliott something he needed, but I was so close to not owing Harvey any more of my money or thoughts. It felt like the last step toward what had happened between us finally being over. I hated myself for still thinking about him, which reinforced the idea that I couldn’t drag out paying off my debt another month.

I thought about what I could give Elliott, steering my thoughts away from wondering what I had to offer him at all. While he was busy cooking at the fireplace, I paced around the room to see if there were anything I already had that would make him smile. My eyes fell to the shelf below the end table to the few books I had left from my old life. I thanked myself for finally writing to my parents and asking them to send them, along with a few other things I’d left behind in the city, my winter coat among them. I had an idea, and I hoped he wouldn’t hate it.

With only two days before the festival, I walked through town to the blacksmith. I had asked Clint if he would be able to make the pearl into a pendant. While Clint admitted he’d been nervous about working with more delicate materials than he was used to, he’d done a beautiful job. I had gone through a small box of jewelry I never wore and found a sterling silver chain to complete the necklace. I was sure Marnie would be happy with it. I paid Clint and placed the pendant in a small box before packing it securely in my bag. I crossed the bridge to town and went to Pierre’s for wrapping paper and ribbon. 

Elliott decided to stay at his cabin the night before the festival but promised to find me first thing the next day. I used the opportunity to wrap his gifts. The wrappable ones, anyway. I still wasn’t sure whether I was supposed to give him anything. I mostly wanted him to know that he was important to me. 

When I arrived in the town square the day of the festival, I ran into Marnie straight away, accidentally interrupting her conversation with Mayor Lewis. With a sly smile to the mayor, I asked when the exchange would begin, still completely unsure about how things were supposed to happen. He assured me I could present my gift to its recipient whenever I chose to do so. 

“Oh, in that case,” I said, pulling the wrapped box out of my coat pocket, “Marnie, happy, um…” I wasn’t sure of the appropriate greeting for this holiday and abandoned the attempt. “I’m your secret gift-giver.” I held out the box, and she took it with a surprised smile. I watched as she carefully unwrapped the paper, held my breath as she removed the lid.

“Oh, Peach.” She held up the pearl by its chain and took a closer look. Mayor Lewis coughed and made a face I couldn’t read. “My goodness, this is too much.” 

“Marnie, I never would have made it through this year without you. You’ve been here for me every step of the way. There isn’t a gift big or valuable enough to say thank you as many times as I need to tell you.” She dabbed at her eyes with a sleeve before wrapping me up into a hug.

“Thank you, Peach.” She turned to Mayor Lewis, holding the chain out to him. “Would you mind?” she smiled. Mayor Lewis coughed again, mumbling something I didn’t catch as he clasped the chain behind Marnie’s neck. I thought I detected a flush to his cheeks that had nothing to do with the freezing air and dismissed myself with a wave.

The town square had been decorated with string lights and a massive evergreen in the center surrounded by a pile of brightly covered gifts. Tables covered in a rich red cloth stood around the tree, including a buffet table covered in steaming dishes of delicious smelling food. Heaters had been placed about so people wouldn’t freeze as they enjoyed their meals. Gus carved one of several cooked birds on the table in front of him, and a few people had already begun to load up their plates. Others sat around tables, talking and laughing with each other. 

I found Elliott, bundled up in a burgundy coat and grey knit scarf. I still had no idea how he managed to look so good in everything he wore. I’d tried to look at least a little pretty for the occasion. I’d worn a blouse, not that anyone could see it beneath my old winter coat and scarf. I wondered if he ever felt embarrassed to be seen with me. I swallowed the thought and approached behind him, tucking my hand into his coat pocket and curling my fingers around his.

“Hi,” I said. “Happy… this holiday.” He chuckled and squeezed my hand.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said. “Emily saved us seats at her table. That is, she saved you a seat. I’m taking Haley’s place since she’s over with the Mullners.”

“Great,” I grinned. “I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it kinda just looks like family dinner. But with everyone’s family.”

“Yeah, that’s essentially it,” he laughed. “Eating outside with the whole town in the cold. And gifts.”

“Speaking of gifts, Marnie was thrilled with hers. Clint did an amazing job with the pearl.”

“I’m glad she liked it.” We sat together at the table. “You know, I was kind of surprised you didn’t sell it.”

“It didn’t occur to me.” I thought for a moment. I _could_ have sold the pearl and probably wouldn’t have had to worry so much about making it through the winter. I could have gotten Elliott something better, something more useful. I had a funny feeling in my chest. “Shit, it was your pearl.”

“What? No, you found it.”

“But you bought the oysters. And I didn’t even ask if I could keep it. I stole it from you, didn’t I?”

“No, no. I’m sorry, that’s not at all what I meant.” He said. “What I was trying to say is, I love that you found something beautiful and valuable, and the first thing you thought about was how it could make someone else happy. I admire you.”

“Well, damn,” I smiled. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You’re cute when you’re speechless.” Elliott chuckled as he poured us each a glass of wine. Emily and Leah joined us as he set my drink in front of me.

“Peach, I just saw your gift to Marnie,” Emily said as she slid into the chair across from me.

“Gorgeous,” Leah added. “She’s showing everyone.” 

“I gotta admit, I’m pretty jealous. Granny Mullner gave me cookies, which is nice, but it’s not jewelry.” Emily laughed.

“Who had you, Leah?” Elliott asked.

“George Mullner, so I also got cookies. You?” Leah asked.

“Clint gave me a geode and said he’d charge me half price to open it,” Elliott rolled his eyes.

“What about you, Peach?”

“Oh, I don’t know yet, I pretty much just got here.” I had nearly forgotten someone in town would give me something as well.

“Then they probably just haven’t seen you yet. Or maybe they’re shy,” Emily teased. “At least there’s food to occupy you while you wait for them to build up their courage.”

The four of us filled our plates with things I could only have dreamed of for the past few months: roasted turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and fresh bread. I took whatever would fit on my plate, looking forward to a meal that wasn’t mainly vegetables or fish. I enjoyed the time I got to spend drinking wine and laughing with our little group, though I selfishly wished Shane could be with us too. I hated that our chosen activities often alienated him from us. Even so, he looked happy enough, spending his time with Marnie and Jas, wearing a neutral face rather than his signature glower. Despite the heaters placed about the tables, the air seemed to be getting colder. Snow fell, first in flurries, but it seemed to fall harder as the afternoon went on. Leah and Emily got up to grab dessert, and I turned to Elliott.

“I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to, but I got you something. It’s back at the farm.” 

“I got you a gift too.” Elliott smiled brightly, looking like an excited child. 

“Do you want to get going?” He nodded, and we stood from the table. As we walked toward Emily and Leah to say goodbye, Gus waved at us enthusiastically. 

“Peach, I’ve been looking for you. Your secret gift-giver is feeling a bit under the weather, ironically enough.” He chuckled. “I offered to pass this along to you on his behalf.” He placed a wooden box in my hands. “I hope you didn’t think you’d been forgotten.”

“Aw, thanks, Gus.” I smiled. “I honestly kind of forgot about it.” I opened the lid as Elliott looked over my shoulder. Inside was a bottle of wine. I knew next to nothing about wine, other than I liked to drink it, but the label looked fancy. Gus rattled off a list of foods it would pair well with as I looked around and tried to figure out who was missing from the crowd. The air seemed full of falling snow, and a lot of people had already retreated to the dry warmth of their homes. I closed the lid and turned back to Gus and Elliott, still chatting about food and wine.

After we said goodbye to Emily and Leah, Elliott and I started back to the farm. As we drew closer, I became more and more excited to give Elliott his gifts. The excitement had managed to overtake the nagging thought in my mind that he might hate them. The snow on the path had accumulated up to our ankles by the time we reached the farm. We entered the house and peeled off our coats and boots, shedding our wet layers and hanging them on the backs of chairs near the fireplace. As Elliott stoked the fire back to life, I pulled on a sweatshirt and retrieved his presents from their hiding place before crawling under my quilt to warm up. When Elliott joined me a moment later, I thrust the gifts into his hands, unable to wait another second. 

I half hid under the blanket, watching his face as he unwrapped the paper. I was pleased when he laughed, seeing a copy of the book he’d caught me reading the day of our first proper conversation on the beach last summer. 

“You once mentioned you weren’t well acquainted with the works of V.C. Andrews,” I explained. 

“And now I’ll have no excuse,” he chuckled as he read the descriptions on the backs of ‘My Sweet Audrina’ and ‘Flowers in the Attic’. “Thank you.”

“You’ll probably take that back once you’ve read them,” I laughed. “Which is why I also have this for you. Though, in reality, you may have given yourself this gift.” He looked confused as I turned and pulled a small clay pot off the windowsill. “I wasn’t sure it would grow, but it seems to be doing okay. We can probably plant it in the ground in spring.”

“What is it?”

“A pomegranate tree. Well, it will be one day.” Elliott beamed at me and held the pot steady with one hand as he wrapped his arm around me and kissed my temple. 

“Thank you, Peach.”

“I know it isn’t much, but… I don’t know. I just wanted to give you something.”  
  
“You’re amazing,” he said. 

“I don’t know about that,” I looked down at the little sprout in the pot before I set it back on the windowsill. As I did so, Elliott got up and retrieved a small box from his coat pocket before returning to his place next to me on the bed. He placed the box in my hands, looking a little nervous. I unlatched the closure and found inside a small gold watch with a white face attached to a long chain. I lifted it out and held it in my palm, taken aback by how lovely it was, and how much it must have cost.

“You’ll recall you once asked me what time it was,” he explained. I laughed and threw my arms around him.

“This is… beautiful, but Elliott, it’s too much.” Elliott shook his head.

“When you look at the time you can think of me,” he said softly, “and know that every second I spent waiting for you was worth it.” For a moment, I felt as though my heart had stopped. When I felt it beat again, I pulled him closer and kissed him.

“Thank you,” I said, holding him close a moment longer before I carefully placed the watch back in the box and moved it to the end table. 

“I didn’t think it was possible, but it’s snowing even harder,” Elliott said, looking out the window. I turned on the TV to check the weather, and Elliott scooted behind me to better see the small screen. I adjusted the quilt to cover our bare legs better. We could expect at least another foot of snow to fall overnight. 

“I guess you have to stay with me tonight,” I said, snuggling a little closer.

Elliott enveloped me in his arms and rested his chin on my shoulder. I switched off the TV and leaned against his warm chest, feeling relaxed and protected. The only sound was the wind outside blending with the crackling fire. I closed my eyes as his lips swept across my neck. He gently pulled aside the collar of my sweatshirt and kissed my uncovered skin. His warm breath sent shivers up my spine. I turned to see his face, and he brushed his thumb across my lower lip. The pressure was slight, but I felt it fully, everywhere. My lips curled as he cradled my face in his hands, the expression on his face fervent, sincere. He brought his mouth to mine, open, warm, and wet, and we breathed each other in.

His curled fingers brushed my knee before fingertips, followed by an open palm, traced every inch of touchable skin. My lips sought his malleable mouth. A hand moved to the nape of my neck, a thumb softly grazed my earlobe. His steady arm wrapped around my back, and lifted me, pulled me closer. I wrapped myself around him, felt the muscle of his back through the thin fabric of his undershirt. His long hair tickled my arms as they encircled his shoulders. I did what I had longed to do and ran my fingers gently through the lengths and heard a whisper of a hum in Elliott’s throat. 

I gazed into his smiling, half-lidded eyes. They beckoned, and I returned to him, letting out a sigh as his hands moved around my waist and up beneath my shirt. I felt a desperate desire to be rid of everything between us. I lifted my shirt from the bottom, breaking our kiss to pull it over my head. When my hands were free of the sleeves, I reached for him, kissed his mouth, his jaw, his neck, pressed myself against him. He breathed my name as I touched his skin. He led me to where he needed me, and I willingly followed, my impulsive sense of urgency soon replaced with wistful coalescence.

“Look at me,” he sighed, and I found his eyes. With our fingers interlaced and our foreheads together, we laughed, blushing, breathless. He smiled dreamily and softly touched my face before he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and held me as close to him as he could. I breathed deeply and listened to the drumming of his heart while his fingertips traveled softly up and down my back as he found my lips again and kissed me slowly, lovingly.


	23. Chapter 23

iii // shadow’s song

The clinic had been closed for hours, the lights and the television inside were off. As Shane knocked, I leaned against the wall and looked out at the square, the long shadows of buildings and trees bordered with the last golden light of the day. The door stayed closed. Shane pounded harder until it finally opened.

“Shane.” There was a note of surprise in Harvey’s voice. “What’s going on? Is everything alright?”

“Peach,” he said, turning and pulling me from against the wall and into the doorway. I refused to look up and held out my hands, my right pressing the bloodstained towel into my left palm.

“Goodness,” Harvey said. “Follow me, please. Quickly.”

I was thankful Shane was beside me as we walked through the cold darkness of the waiting room to the bright hallway and the exam room. He guided me into the chair, and I focused on my pulsing palm. Harvey washed his hands and pulled on a pair of gloves before rolling a small table closer. He gently took my hands, and I closed my eyes, trying to imagine he was anyone else. It worked until he spoke. 

“How did this happen?” He asked as he examined the cut, still bleeding but not profusely.

“Knife,” I said flatly.

“She was washing it and accidentally cut her hand,” Shane added. 

“Well, it’s deep but, luckily, you didn’t do too much damage.” I raised my eyes to Shane’s face, which had grown pale upon seeing my split open palm clearly in the fluorescent light.

“Are you okay?” I asked. Harvey looked up at him.

“Would you like to have a seat in the waiting room while I clean and stitch this up?” I found Shane’s eyes, silently pleading with him not to leave me there alone. 

“Let me just get some air. Sorry.” He nudged my shoulder before making his way to the waiting room. The door swung slowly closed behind him.

Harvey silently cleaned and irrigated the wound before he picked up a syringe and small glass vial. He warned me before he began to inject the edges of the cut with an anesthetic. Each tiny, stinging pinch in the exposed tissue gradually faded into warm numbness. I watched him open a sterile packet and pull out a curved needle and thread. Our eyes met for a moment, and my heart jumped in my chest. I quickly looked away.

“Are you alright?” he asked softly.

“No,” I said. “I don’t want to be here.”

“I figured as much,” he said. “That is, I’m sure what’s bothering you is neither the blood nor the needles.”

“How perceptive.” I was surprised to hear him laugh softly. I shot him a glare, and his mustache twitched as he tried to hide his smile. Harvey cleared his throat and returned his attention to my hand. He finished the sutures in silence and began to wrap my hand in gauze.

“The stitches can probably come out after ten days, I’ll send you an appointment reminder. You’ll need to keep them covered and dry for a minimum of twenty-four hours. Please take it easy, and come back if it starts bleeding again or the sutures reopen. If you develop a fever or swelling, I’ll prescribe an antibiotic. You may want to elevate the hand while you sleep tonight.” When he’d finished wrapping the gauze, his gloved hands lingered around mine for a moment. He brushed my engagement ring with his thumb before he pulled away. “Do you have any questions for me?”

“No. Well, yes, but not about this.” I held up my bandaged hand.

“I hope I can give you some answers,” he said softly.

“Why did you come to our engagement party?”

“I received an invitation,” he said, raising his eyes to meet mine, “and, I have to admit, I wanted to see you again.” The shadows around his sorrowful eyes seemed more pronounced. “I owe you more apologies than I can count, Peach.”

“I don’t want them.”

“I know,” he said. “But I need you to know I’m not proud of my behavior. And I don’t blame you for hating me.”

“I don’t hate you.” I crossed my arms, resting my bandaged hand on my right elbow. “I just don’t understand you.”

“That makes two of us,” he sighed, smiling sadly. He pulled off his gloves and dropped them on the table. “There’s a lot I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, not that any of it matters anymore. All I want to say is I see how happy you are now, and that’s all I ever wanted for you.”

“I’m not happy.” The words spilled out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about them. “I mean…” I shut my mouth and tried to figure out what I meant. “Fuck,” I muttered. “I’m so full of shit. I’ve been holding on to this stupid secret because I’m afraid of what will happen if people find out I–” I covered my face and held my breath, trying in vain to keep myself from crying. “I have to tell Elliott about you, you know. He kind of knows what happened last summer, but not with who. All this time I thought it didn’t matter to him and it turns out he’d just assumed Shane is the one I–”

“Peach,” he said gently. He moved as if to reach for me but corrected himself, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. “Take a deep breath.” I did as he told me. 

“I thought I was doing the right thing. Staying away, pretending nothing happened between you and me. I tried so hard to forget, to convince myself that, no matter what you would have said, if I had listened, everything would have turned out the same. But...” I fell silent, and Harvey remained so. He stood, running a hand through his dark curls as he turned away from me. The ring on my finger reflected the cold white light, and I swallowed my next words. The truth could only make this worse. “Sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you this. Are we done here?” Harvey nodded, and I stood up, carefully pulling the sleeve of my sweater over my left hand before moving towards the door.

“He loves you, Peach,” Harvey said softly, turning back towards me and leaning against the exam table. He looked like he was about to say something else, but the words stayed hidden in his throat. His small, polite smile didn’t reach his troubled eyes. “Try not to worry.”

“Yeah,” I laughed dryly. “Sorry to bother you after hours. Bill me extra if you want, I can probably afford it now.” He let out a hollow chuckle.

“Take care, Peach.”

“You too, Harvey.” I walked into the hall, and the door closed behind me. I let out a long breath and inhaled another, trying to accept that it would never open again. 

“Are you okay?” Shane asked when I returned to the waiting room. “You look more upset now than when you almost bled to death.”

“You’re exaggerating,” I said with an empty laugh. 

“How’s the hand?”

“Better than my brain.”

“If I asked, would you tell me?” Shane smirked.

“Actually, I have a lot I want to tell you. I just don’t know where to even start.”

Dusk enveloped us as we left the clinic, the streetlights glowing yellow in the humid air. Shane and I started on the path toward the farm in silence, and I felt thankful that I at least had some time to get my thoughts together before I had to talk about it. No sooner had I thought it than the hope drained out of me. A tall figure came quickly toward us down the path.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains spoilers for Elliott's eight heart event. I do not claim ConcernedApe's work as my own.

21 // you can’t live there forever

The new year began as the old one ended, cold and grey. The sun still hung low in the sky, and I passed the days indoors feeling nearly useless. I was sick of the snow, the early darkness, and endless nights. Elliott had done his best to brighten my days, insisting good things were on the horizon. I’d assumed he’d meant the return of spring, warmer weather, and activity, but it turned out he’d been referring to something more specific. One afternoon, as I packed up a shipment of preserved goods, he burst through the front door of the house, out of breath, and brimming with excitement, a letter in his hand.

“Peach.” He paused a moment to catch his breath, and I wondered if he’d run all the way here from his cabin. “My novel. It’s going to be published.”

“Published,” I started. I thought of the recent mornings he’d spent writing at my table before walking down to the beach to type. “Wait, when did you finish it?” 

“Yes, um, about a month ago. I know I should have told you, but I wasn’t ready for you to see it. I sent the manuscript to a friend to make sure everything was right. And he sent it on to his friend who works at a small publishing company and, well, they loved it. They want to publish it.”

“Elliott,” I grinned, taking his hand and squeezing it. “Congratulations, I’m so excited for you! What happens next?”

“Well, it won’t be in stores or anything for a while, but they sent me a box of some printed copies. And I spoke to Mayor Lewis, and he’s agreed to allow me to host a reading at the library this Saturday. Please say you’ll come.”

“You know I wouldn’t miss it, even if I had something else to do.” He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

“I can’t believe it’s happening,” he said.

“I can,” I smiled. “You’ve worked so hard.”

He smiled and kissed my forehead before rattling off a list of things he needed to do and was gone from the farm as suddenly as he arrived. I saw him less during the rest of the week, though he still came back to eat and sleep. Elliott had always been coolheaded, and it was strange to see him stressed. I asked if I could help with anything, but he insisted he had it all under control. 

On the day of the reading, Elliott left the farmhouse early to finish a few last-minute preparations. I met up with Leah and Emily on the way to the library so we could walk together. Leah and I were excited for Elliott, but Emily seemed more excited to have a reason to take the day off work at the saloon. As we crossed the bridge just past the mayor’s house, I could see Elliott standing outside the library door, looking a bit agitated. Emily and Leah waved on their way inside, leaving me to talk to him.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” he said, wrapping his arms around me.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, fine. Just a bit nervous,” Elliott laughed.

“You’re gonna do great. I’m looking forward to hearing what you wrote.” Elliott smiled though it was clear he was on edge. My presence didn’t seem to be helping. “Maybe take a few deep breaths. I’ll see you inside?”

“Yes.” He gave me another quick hug and held open the door for me. “See you in a while.”

I opened the door to the library, surprised to find it so crowded. Most of the seats were already filled, and a few people stood around the walls of shelves while they waited. Emily and Leah waved at me; somehow, they’d found an empty table and saved me a seat. On my way toward them, I saw Shane, sitting at a table near the back wall, and walked over.

“Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“What, you think I don’t read?”

“You know what I mean,” I said. “Your unspoken feud with the host of this event?”

“Ah, that,” he chuckled.

“Yeah, that. It’s kinda starting to bum me out. Want me to talk to him about it?”

“I’d rather you didn’t. I have more friends than I need right now.”

“Ha ha,” I rolled my eyes. “Wanna hang out soon?”

“Whenever. You know where to find me.”

I waved goodbye as I turned to join Emily and Leah at the table. Out of the corner of my eye, near the door, I saw someone in a dark green coat flipping through a copy of Elliott’s book. I caught myself before I turned to look. As I took my seat next to Emily, the door closed, and I reflexively turned toward the sound. I only saw Marnie and Mayor Lewis standing near the entrance, deep in conversation. It must have been my imagination.

“How’s our boy doing?” Leah turned to me with a smile.

“He’s so nervous. More than I expected him to be.”

“I don’t blame him. There are a lot more people here than I thought there would be.”

“I’m sure some of them came because of all the gossip,” Emily said matter of factly.

“What gossip?” I asked.

“Oh right, sometimes I forget you don’t talk to anyone.” She leaned toward me and lowered her voice. “I may have heard a thing or two about a certain beach dwelling writer spending an awful lot of time on the property of a certain farmer. Not sure you know her, moved to town about a year ago?”

“Oh yeah,” Leah giggled. “I heard they’re living in sin.”

“Fucking small towns,” I grumbled. 

“Relax, Peach. At least it’s mostly true,” Emily laughed. “A while back I heard a ridiculous rumor that Pierre–”

A sudden sound of applause had begun in the back of the room and rippled toward us. Elliott had entered the library, the look on his face somewhere between elated and terrified. I felt for him; I certainly wouldn’t have been able to cope in this sort of situation. Leah, Emily and I joined in the applause as Elliott made his way forward and took his place behind the podium in the center of the room. He took a sip of water, scanning the crowd until his eyes found me. He returned my smile, straightened, and addressed the room. 

Though we all knew him, he introduced himself and told us a bit about his novel, a mystery he had titled ‘Blue Tower’. He confided he had often doubted, as others had, the day he finished it would ever come. He was proud to be there, excited to finally share his work. The room fell somehow more silent as he opened the book and began to read. His voice filled the room, and I hung onto every syllable that slipped through his lips. His choice of words, the fluidity of his language, it all sounded perfect expressed in his voice. Now and then, he’d look up from the page and catch my eye. I couldn’t help but smile. When he’d finished his selected passage, he closed the book and thanked us as the room filled with applause again.

As soon as he’d finished, I was on my feet, hoping to be the first to congratulate him. However, he’d found himself surrounded by a crowd of impressed friends and acquaintances. I leaned against the table, talking with Emily and Leah. We had just decided to celebrate with a few drinks at the saloon when the crowd around him finally cleared, each of them carrying a copy of the novel, the ink on Elliott’s signature still shiny and wet. I approached the podium while I had a chance.

“You were amazing.” My smile slightly wavered when I saw that nervous look again.

“You liked it?”

“I loved it. I can’t wait to read the rest.” Elliott smiled, a little bashfully, and picked up the copy of his book from the podium and placed it in my hands.

“I promised you a copy,” he said.

“Are you going to sign it for me?”

“I already have,” he said softly. He flipped the book open to the dedication page. Printed on it was

_‘For my Peach’_

and handwritten below, 

_I love you.  
_ _Always, your Elliott._

My breath caught in my chest, and I looked up into his expectant eyes. I closed the book and gently set it on the podium. Without a thought about who would see or what they might say, I wrapped my arms around him, kissing him before I stood on tiptoe and whispered in his ear that I loved him too. Elliott looked relieved and then ecstatic as he pulled me into a tight hug, lifting me off the ground and kissing me again. I laughed, my eyes on him, blocking out the rest of the room. 

“When you’re finished here, will you meet us at the saloon?” I asked. He nodded as he let me down on the ground, still beaming. I took the book from the podium and waved before returning to Emily and Leah.

“Good gracious, Peach. This is a library,” Emily giggled as I dragged her out the door with Leah right behind us.

* * *

I probably hadn’t needed my last drink or the one before that, but the cold air felt good on my face, and the stars were shining, and Elliott was holding my hand, and he loved me. We stumbled back to the farm, giddy and giggling. Elliott was flying from the excitement of his reading. The response from those who had attended had been overwhelmingly positive, and he was excited that he would be making money soon. When we arrived at the house, he flopped onto the bed, all smiles.

“Is there more to drink?” he asked. “I feel like I need to catch up to you.”

“Maybe. There’s um, that wine from the Winter Star thing?” I crossed the room and dug through my trunk, pulling out the box and setting it on the table. “Too nice for coffee mugs,” I mumbled, rummaging through my things again until I found two unused jelly jars.

“Perfect,” Elliott smiled. He turned on the TV for background noise before getting up to add a log to the fireplace.

I opened the box and pulled out the bottle. I was about to go back to the trunk for a corkscrew when I noticed a note in the box. Had it been there all along? I set the bottle down and picked up the slip of paper. I recognized the writing, a particular slant to the letters of my name. I flipped it over to find one word, ‘moderation’, in uncharacteristically neat handwriting for a doctor. My hand became a fist and crushed the note within it. There was a crash. One of the jars lay shattered on the floor around my bare feet.

“Fuck,” I said. 

“Are you okay? Don’t move, there’s glass everywhere.”

“Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to break it.” 

I squeezed the note in my hand. Stupid Harvey, judging me for being drunk. Why couldn’t he mind his own business? I never read that information he gave me, and he knew it. I should have read it. I wondered where it was, crumpled and buried in my trunk or burned to ash in some long-ago fire. Why was he still in my head? Why was he everywhere? That _was_ him at the library. Why had he left? The bristles of the broom scraped against my foot. Elliott put the bottle of wine back in the box before picking me up and moving me to the rug so I could get out of the way without cutting my feet. 

“On second thought, we’ve probably had enough, yeah?” Elliott chuckled as he continued cleaning my mess.

“Yeah,” I said. “I think I need some air.”

I went onto the porch and sat on the bottom step. The empty fields looked cold and dead. My head spun, and my chest tightened as I pitched forward, my last drink hitting the dirt with a splatter. The one before it followed and tears streamed down my face, my fingers gripping the edge of the stair. Elliott came outside, asking what was wrong. I couldn’t talk, I just kept crying. He scooped me up into his arms again and made me drink water before he put me to bed. He crawled in next to me and wrapped me in his arms. He held me until the last sobs escaped my body, humming to me softly until I fell asleep.

* * *

The morning came too early and too bright. My head felt split in half. I reached to my left and found only blankets.

“Elliott?” 

I was sure he had stayed over. Where had he gone? Had I done something to make him leave? I sat up slowly, reached for the cup on the end table, and drained it. The cold water seemed to reach into my stomach like a hand and pull everything out. I ran to the bathroom and collapsed in front of the toilet before everything spilled out of me. I wiped my mouth and curled up on the floor. Half of the previous day seemed to be missing from my brain. I groaned, wondering what I’d done, and if I wanted to know what I had done. Another wave of nausea swept over me, but there was nothing left in my stomach. I slowly stood, flushed the toilet, and walked back to my bed. As I laid down and wrapped my arms around my pillow, something underneath it poked my arm. I pulled out a crumpled slip of paper.

“Fuck.” I rolled onto my back and closed my eyes as a flash of a memory resurfaced. Drunk Peach had done plenty of dumb things, but I felt sure she had outdone herself. I counted my breaths, trying to convince myself that everything was still okay. It wasn’t. How could I have told Elliott I loved him and then cried over another man? I must have said something. That had to be why he left.

As awful as I felt, I knew I needed to get up. I decided to let myself lie there for another ten minutes before getting up to check on the chickens. I had just prepared myself to sit up when the door opened.

“Oh, you’re awake,” Elliott said. “How are you feeling?”

“Miserable,” I said, barely believing he was there. 

“I don’t doubt it.” He smiled gently and set a paper bag on the table.

“Where did you go?”

“Pierre’s,” he said, pulling a loaf of bread and a package of bacon out of the bag. “I figured you’d need salt and carbs. Oh, and I got the eggs for you.”

“I don’t deserve you,” I said, rolling slowly onto my side. Elliott set the packages down and sat softly next to me on the bed.

“Hey.” he brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “I’m happy to take care of you when you need me to.”

“I was bad last night, wasn’t I?”

“No not at all. I mean, not until the end,” he chuckled. 

“I’m so sorry,” I groaned, my face in my hands.

“You don’t have to apologize. We had a great time yesterday. It just happened to end with a broken jar and you in tears. I’ve done worse after a few too many,” he laughed. “Good, you drank your water.”  
  
“Yeah, then I threw it up.”

“Well. I’ll get you some more, and then I’ll make you breakfast and a cup of coffee. You’ll be feeling better in no time.”

“Thanks,” I smiled. 

“Of course.”

He brought me more water before returning to the table. Though the morning had turned out to be the opposite of what I had expected, part of me wished Elliott had been angry—at the very least annoyed. I wanted him to know why I had been upset, but I couldn’t find it in myself to tell him. A broken jar was enough to warrant drunken tears. We ate bacon and eggs and toast and hung around the house all day. He read V.C. Andrews, while I read ‘Blue Tower’, occasionally flipping back to the beginning, reading my name in print, reminding myself that he loved me.


	25. Chapter 25

22 // forever, until

Spring finally arrived, and I began to feel like I had a purpose again. As the sun shone brighter and the forest grew green, Willowbrook came back to life. The farm and the little house looked considerably different than they had a year ago, but still kept a bit of wild charm that I had grown to love; the meadowy fields, the ponds, and a few gnarled trees that must have been a hundred years old. The passing days returned my sense of normalcy, and eagerness to accomplish the goals I’d set in early winter. It took some time to reacquaint myself with the amount of work I had to do, and for the first few weeks, my body seemed to ache endlessly. 

Elliott found my mornings came a bit too early for him, and he’d begun to spend more nights at his cabin. Since the weather had become warmer, it was much more comfortable there, and he was able to spend more time working on new ideas. At first, I had been too exhausted to notice his absence. When the aches and pains faded, I realized I had nearly forgotten what it was like to be alone. The house felt empty without him filling the space with his constant thoughts and questions. Though, I had to admit it was easier to get up and started when I didn’t wake up beside him. And though he didn’t stay over, I saw him nearly every evening when he’d walk to the farm so we could eat together.

The last weeks of winter had not been my finest. I’d had a birthday I couldn’t remember and more regular nights just like it. I’d told Dr. Warren it seemed that drinking was the only way to turn off my brain. She advised me to stop, so as not to risk turning it off permanently. I listened. Getting used to coping without alcohol had been more difficult than I’d anticipated, but I began journaling more, trying to get the anxious thoughts out of my head instead of trying to drown them. Elliott had been supportive, though he didn’t know what to make of what I was dealing with at first. He did try to understand, which was all I could have asked of him since I still found it impossible to explain my perpetual sense of reasonless dread.

The green in the leaves deepened, the air grew warmer, and my mental state seemed to improve as I threw myself into my work. I planted a small garden near the house for personal use, growing garlic, green beans, cauliflower, kale, and potatoes. I’d also planted large sections of each vegetable to sell. I’d planted my first strawberries, which I was excited to preserve once they had ripened. I was most proud, however, of the flower garden, where the blue jazz and tulips carpeted the land in front of the house in brilliant color. With another bee box, I would be able to have even more honey this year. Though I had more to do each day than I had anticipated, I was still managing well on my own.

The new crops had grown healthy and tall and appeared particularly appetizing to a family of deer that had figured out that my scarecrow wasn’t a real person. With some of the wood I’d cleared the year before, I constructed some simple post and rail fences around the fields of crops to try to discourage them. I offhandedly mentioned the project to Marnie, who sent Shane up to help me on his day off. We’d gotten so much done in an afternoon that Elliott was shocked when he arrived at the farm that evening for dinner. I’d told him I’d had some help and he seemed hurt that I hadn’t asked him. He began to insist on doing a little something for me here and there, watering the flowers or feeding the chickens. He also began staying over more often, despite my early mornings.

I’d been making steady money and saving more since I’d clawed my way out of my medical debt. I asked Robin to take a look at the house to see what she could do and how much it would cost. While I had grown to love my room, I’d decided it would be nice to have some separation between where I slept and where I prepared my meals. After our meeting, Robin sent me a copy of her plans and an estimate of what it would cost to complete the project. I met with her again to propose a payment plan, and a few opportunities to lower the cost by using salvaged materials. 

Soon the house would be a house instead of just a room. Elliott had offered to help with the payments, but I declined. He said he felt obligated after staying with me almost all winter, but it wasn’t like I had a mortgage to pay, and the property taxes weren’t very high for the previous year. Mayor Lewis, however, had kindly pointed out I’d raised the value of the property significantly since my arrival. I was sure he was already looking forward to sending me the next year’s bill. 

Elliott had insisted on one thing, though. One afternoon we boarded the train and rode to the next town over. When we arrived, Elliott took my hand and brought me through an alley to the basement door of an old brick building. He pulled open the door, and before me seemed to be a maze of shelves covered from top to bottom in all sorts of items; cameras, books, curios, and what had to be a million other things. 

“What in the world?” I entered the building and turned a full circle, trying to take everything in.

“Welcome to the adventure that is rural antiquing.” Elliott grinned. “I discovered this place about a year and a half ago when my typewriter broke and I needed a replacement part. The prices are reasonable, and they have everything. Let’s find you some actual furniture.”

We explored the store together, not looking for anything in particular, but entertaining ourselves with all of the weird things we found. We re-emerged in the alley two hours later with a coffee pot, some mismatched sets of silverware and dishes, and a small AM/FM radio. I’d also picked out a dresser, a mirror, and a vintage refrigerator that would be delivered to the farm a few days later. It was the first time I’d bought furniture I didn’t have to assemble myself, let alone an appliance. Somehow that one purchase made me feel more like an adult than living on my own or running the farm ever had. 

“What did you think?” Elliott asked as we boarded the train back to Pelican Town. 

“I had fun today. Funny how being in a town barely bigger than ours made me feel like I was back in the city for a little bit.” 

“Do you miss it?” he asked as we took a pair of seats by the window.

“No, but also yes?” I said. “I mean, sometimes I feel a little nostalgic.”

“Tell me,” Elliott said, pressing his shoulder into mine.

“I don’t know. I guess the feeling of being in a big, new place where nobody knew me and the idea I could be anything I wanted.” I watched the empty platform out the window as the train pulled away from the station. “In reality, I was just a dumb kid with a shitty job and no goals, just barely getting by.”

“How do you think you’d feel if you were to move back now?”

“I don’t know,” I said, turning toward him. “I haven’t thought about it.” 

“The small-town life’s growing on you then?” He chuckled.

“As much as I don’t like that everyone in Pelican Town knows who I am and that they _think_ they know all about my business, it’s kinda nice to have people looking out for me.” I leaned my head on his shoulder. “It almost feels like it could be home.” Elliott smiled contentedly and wrapped my hand in his. 

“So,” Elliott said. “The Flower Dance is in a few weeks.”

“Already?” It felt as though spring had just arrived, and it was already half over.

“Will you go with me?” he asked.

“Honestly, I was kinda hoping to skip it.”

“Please? I want to dance with you since I wasted my opportunity last year.”

“I promise you don’t. I’m not good at it,” I laughed. “And let’s not talk about last year, it was so embarrassing.”

“I don’t think it was that bad,” Elliott said. “I mostly remember it as the day I finally met you.”

“I couldn’t even look at you after that introduction. Can’t we just say we first met at the beach?”

“We can pretend all you want, but I know the truth.” He smiled as I rolled my eyes. “Please come with me. We’ll do it over, make a better memory.” I looked into his eyes, bright and pleading, and I couldn’t tell him no.

“I’ll have to talk to Emily about a dress.”

* * *

Robin had begun her work on the house, and I was so busy with farm work, I almost forgot to worry about the dance. Robin had found the entrance to the attic, which was just a few loose boards in the ceiling that pushed up into the space between the ceiling and the roof. Robin set up a ladder, and we climbed up to take a look. There were a few rusty gardening tools propped up along one wall, and a trunk, smaller than the one I kept downstairs. Inside it, I found an old doll that must have belonged to my mom a long time ago, and a few faded photographs: my grandma and grandpa, my mom, my uncle Clark. 

I had always wondered how my grandpa fit a whole family into this little house, but, from the photographs in my hands, it appeared he hadn’t. There was once another house on the property, a beautiful gabled farmhouse with blue shutters. Robin told me the house had fallen into disrepair after my mom and uncle moved away, and my grandma died. It was eventually torn down, and my grandpa lived the rest of his years alone in the little one-room cottage on the edge of the property. It made me sad to think I could barely remember him. At least I could keep his memory alive by taking good care of the place he loved too much to leave.

I sat at the table that evening and wrote my mom a letter and enclosed one of the family photos. I thought she’d like to have it, and I’d been horrible at keeping in touch with her and dad since I’d moved to the valley. When Elliott arrived for dinner, he glanced at the envelope on the table.

“Who are Cherie and Rob?” he asked.

“My parents,” I said, folding the letter carefully around the photo and tucking it inside the envelope. “I figured I’d try to be a good daughter and stay in touch for once.” Elliott kissed my temple and gently squeezed my shoulders.

“Are you tired? Want me to take that to the mailbox for you?”

“If you don’t mind,” I said, smiling up at him. “I’ll light the fire so we can make dinner.”

I stood up and stretched, glanced at the calendar, and wondered where the last four months had gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly thought I might not get anything posted today. I don't know how it happened, but I caught up with myself. Gonna try to write fast so I can post again tomorrow too <3


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains spoilers for Elliott's ten heart event. I do not claim ConcernedApe's work as my own.

23 // play out

The evening before the Flower Dance, I left Emily’s house with the dress I’d worn the previous year, and a haircut I hadn’t asked for but probably needed. I supposed I could get used to Emily treating me like her doll once every spring. It seemed to make her happy, and I think she knew it made me glad to feel a little pretty now and then. Elliott had planned to stay at his cabin that night, knowing I would be up earlier than usual to make sure I had enough time to get my work done before walking down to the woods. I tried to think if I even remembered any of the dance steps Shane and Emily had taught me the year before. Of course, my brain had chosen to remember all of the embarrassing moments instead of potentially helpful knowledge. I went to bed early and told myself the sooner tomorrow started, the sooner it would end.

I awoke relatively rested, worked at a relaxed pace, and had plenty of time to clean myself up before Elliott arrived at the farm. I had just tied the baby blue ribbon around my waist, accepting I would never get it quite right, when I heard him at the door. He looked somehow more polished than usual in a grey jacket, dusty blue shirt, and navy tie. Though I couldn’t see it, I was sure his belt matched his perfectly polished brown shoes. He’d pulled half his long hair back and out of his face, the lengths falling neatly around his shoulders. His eyes lit up when I met him in the doorway. 

“You’re beautiful,” he said, pulling me into his arms. 

“Thanks, you too.” I smiled and wrapped my arms around him. “Are you ready to get going?”

“Actually,” Elliott said, “I thought about what you said when I asked you to come. Maybe we should skip the dance.”

“You couldn’t have told me before I put the dress on?” I smiled quizzically. I was half glad not to have to go, but a bit irritated by the sudden change of plan. “What do you want to do instead?”

“I have an idea,” he said.

“Care to elaborate?” I asked. He smiled, shook his head, and held out a hand. 

Curious, I took it and followed him to town instead of through the forest. A few people making their way to the woods exchanged bemused looks as we passed, heading in the opposite direction. Elliott led me down to the beach and out onto the pier. Tied to the dock was a small, vaguely familiar boat. I looked over my shoulder, squinting at Elliott’s cabin.

“Is this…?”

“Yes,” he smiled. “I’ve been working on fixing it up in my spare time. Would you like to join me on the water?”

“Is it safe?” I asked. The boat seemed much less beat up than it had before, but still looked old and not altogether reliable.

“Trust me. Please?”

“Okay.” I shrugged and smiled. “If we sink and Emily’s dress gets ruined, you have to tell her why.”

“Deal.” 

He laughed warmly and took my hand, helping me step into the little boat. I sat on the bench, holding the edge of the pier to steady the tiny vessel as Elliott climbed in after me. The sun in the clear, nearly cloudless sky made the calm water sparkle, and as he rowed us away from the pier, we became encompassed in endless blue. I let the breeze blow my hair back, relaxing as I began to trust the boat would stay afloat. The beach and rocky cliffs, the tall trees, and the mountains rising in the distance, slowly shrunk as we rowed further away.

“It looks like a painting instead of a real place.” I turned to Elliott, who was looking at me instead of the view. He smiled, taking his hands off the oars and letting them rest in their locks, before taking my hand in his.

“Peach,” he said, “when we met last year, I was floundering. My ideas and funds were stretched so thin I didn’t think I’d be able to stay in the valley much longer. I had almost accepted that I’d probably return to my hometown within a matter of months with nothing to show for the time I’d spent here. And now, my novel has been out for a while, and it’s doing pretty well. At least, the critics don’t hate it,” he chuckled. “I have to admit; I don’t think it would have happened without you. I mean, I’m sure I would have finished a novel eventually. But not _this_ story, and not now. 

“I want you to know how thankful I am for the support you’ve given me. You believed in me from the very beginning, and all those times you thought you were distracting me, you were inspiring me. I don’t possess the vocabulary to describe what you mean to me. I love you, Peach. And I know it’s soon, but I also know, without a doubt, that I want to spend my life with you.” He let go of me with one of his hands, reached into his pocket, and pulled out a small box.

“I see that look on your face,” he smiled,” please don’t panic. I’m not expecting anything soon. We’ll have plenty of time to figure everything out. Whenever you’re ready, whether it’s in two minutes or twenty years, I want to marry you.”

He let go of my hands and opened the box. Within was a golden ring, deceptively plain. As I looked closer, I saw the band had been adorned with tiny carved leaves and vines. There was no stone to catch on the inside of a work glove. It was pure, practical, lovely. My heart pounded as I raised my eyes from the ring to Elliott’s face.

“Will you marry me?” He asked, his smile more radiant than the sun on the water. “Someday, I mean?”

I didn’t know what to say. I loved Elliott, but it _was_ soon. _V_ _ery_ soon. Everything between us had happened so quickly. I still struggled to determine exactly when we’d gone from easy and pleasant to something so serious, but in the time we’d been together, we had made a good team. We made each other laugh. He stayed beside me despite witnessing some of my worst moments. He was always pulling me out of my head and back into the world. And, he’d said himself, we’d have time to make sure everything was right. 

I felt myself nod, and I returned his smile, tears stinging my eyes. Then the ring was on my finger, his arms around me, and his lips on mine. The boat tilted slightly from the shifting of our weight.

“You’re shaking,” he said, a slight look of worry passing over his face.

“I love you,” I said with a watery laugh, “but I’m afraid we might tip over.”

Elliott emanated joy as he let out a hearty laugh and sat back on the bench. The gold ring on my left hand glinted in the sunlight as he rowed us back to the pier. With the solid ground beneath us again, Elliott swept me up into his arms, holding me close to him as if he meant never to let go. The salty breeze, the sounds of the waves, and the warmth of his embrace assuaged the worry expanding in my chest. He lifted my chin, and when our lips met, my unease escaped me along with a soft sigh. Holding onto him, I clung to his steadfast certainty in the promise of every tomorrow and tried to make it my own.

When we walked back to the cabin, Elliott ducked inside for a moment and brought out a basket. He laid out a blanket on the sand, and we sat in the shade. It became clear there was no doubt in his mind that I would say yes. He unpacked a few sandwiches, a bunch of green grapes, a bottle of sparkling wine, and two glasses. 

“Just a taste,” he said as he poured a small glass and handed it to me. “To celebrate.”

He touched his glass to mine, and I took a small sip, the bursting bubbles tickling my lips. I buried the base of my glass in the sand so it wouldn’t spill, and moved closer to him, nestling into the crook of his arm. I closed my eyes and listened to the waves rolling up onto the empty beach, the wind whispering through the woods behind us. Elliott’s fingers fiddled with the sheer fabric of the sleeves of my dress, then softly brushed down my arm. He took my hand and brought my fingers to his lips. He kissed the ring and the inside of my wrist. I softly touched his cheek with my fingertips, trying not to melt under his ardent gaze. 

“Elliott, I know you get frustrated when I worry all the time. I’m not always easy to be around, and I can’t guarantee it’s gonna get any easier.” I rested my head on his shoulder, no longer able to bear the intensity of his eyes. “Are you sure you want _me_?”

“I don’t have the words to express how happy I am with you, Peach,” He said softly with a kiss on my head. “I’ve never been more sure about anything.”

We stayed on the beach until late afternoon, repacking the basket and stowing it in the cabin before crossing the bridge on our way back to the farm. We walked out of the golden light into the green shade of the woods, the last of the spring tree blossoms floating on the breeze. Faint music drifted through the trees as we passed the ranch, and it dawned on me that we hadn’t seen a soul since late morning. 

“Shouldn’t the dance have ended by now?” I asked.

“It usually would have,” Elliott said. “Let’s go see.”

He took my hand, and we followed the path that led to the clearing. Everything was decorated as it had been the year before, flowers were everywhere, a table covered in food and drinks. But strings of lights hung overhead, and not a single woman in the clearing wore a white dress. I didn’t recognize a few faces in the crowd but balked when my eyes fell on two I hadn’t seen in over a year.

“Why are my parents here?” I turned to Elliott to find him smiling a little nervously.

“Surprise,” he said, and took my hand and led me into the clearing. 

As the crowd became aware of our arrival, they smiled and clapped, and I wished I could dissolve into the grass below me. A tall, vaguely familiar-looking man approached us, wearing a wide smile. He wrapped his arms around Elliott and clapped him on the back. 

“Congratulations,” he said. Elliott beamed and gripped the man’s shoulder, turning toward me.

“Peach, this is my brother, Owen.” I smiled and went to shake his hand before I found myself pulled into a hug.

“Peach, I’m so happy to meet you finally. Elliott’s told us so much.” When he let go, he turned back to Elliott. “Mom and Dad are right over there. I’ll grab you guys a drink.” 

“Oh, I don’t–” I started, but he was already several steps away. I looked up at Elliott with an apprehensive smile. “How long have you been planning this?”

“A while,” he admitted. “Mayor Lewis was happy to let us use the clearing. And it was already decorated. I had a bit of help with the rest.” He put his hand on my back and guided me toward a pair of tall, beautiful people. A man, around Elliott’s height, his hair grey with just a touch of that strawberry tone, and a woman by his side with hazel eyes and long golden hair, which somehow looked softer and shinier than Elliott’s, grinned as we approached.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Peach,” the man said, shaking my hand. “I’m Chris, Elliott’s father, and this is my wife, Maura.”

“Oh, Elliott, she’s a dream.” Maura smiled and touched her son’s cheek before gently taking my hand. “I’m thrilled to meet you. Elliott has told us so much about you.”

“So I’ve heard,” I said, my eyes flickering toward Elliott, wondering what he’d told them. “I’m happy to meet you both as well.” Owen returned a moment later and placed glasses of wine in mine and Elliott’s hands.

“We’re sure you want to see your family, too,” Maura said. “But I look forward to getting to know you better, Peach.”

Elliott hugged both his parents before taking my free hand. As soon as we turned around, Emily and Leah ran up and threw their arms around us, congratulating us, so excited that they hadn’t spoiled the surprise. As they chatted with Elliott about their secret-keeping abilities, I looked around the clearing. The sun had disappeared behind the trees, and groups of people stood scattered about the space under the glowing yellow lights. It seemed that most of the town was there, and I realized with a queasy feeling that all of them had known I was engaged before I did.

My eyes fell on my father, chatting with Gus near the food and drinks, and my mother stood nearby, her back to me. She laughed at something someone had said, throwing her head back, and I realized she’d been talking to Harvey. He said something to her, nodding in my direction. She turned, saw me, and gave him a wave before grabbing my father by the arm and dragging him toward us.

“Elliott,” she said. “It’s so nice to see you in person. Peach didn’t tell us you were so handsome.” 

“It’s wonderful to meet you, Cherie, Rob,” he beamed. She gave him a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before wrapping me up in her arms.

“It’s so good to see you, baby. We’ve missed you so much.”

“You found a good man, Peach,” Dad said as he shook Elliott’s hand and clapped him on the shoulder. “Not many people will ask for a father’s blessing these days.”

“It was such a surprise, Elliott,” my mother laughed. “Peach told us about you, but I didn’t realize things between you were so serious. Then again, she only sends a letter every few months. And I don’t think we’ve heard her voice in over a year.”

“I don’t have a phone, Mom,” I said, my eyes on the glass in my hand. I took a deep breath and a deeper drink of wine.

“Anyway,” she continued. “We’re just so thrilled to be here. The valley looks nearly the same as it did when I was a girl. I’m excited to see what our Peach has been doing up at Willowbrook.”

“It looks amazing, Cherie,” Elliott said. “Peach has truly turned the place around in only a year.”

I listened as my parents asked Elliott what felt like hundreds of questions about our plans for the future, surprised that he had an answer for all of them beyond ‘we haven’t decided yet’. A short while later, Owen took Elliott away, and Dad wandered off to resume his conversation with Gus. Mom took my hand, looking closer at my ring.

“Pretty,” she said. “I’m so happy for you, honey. Aren’t you excited?”

“I’m a little overwhelmed right now, honestly. Today has been one surprise after another.”

“My nervous girl hasn’t changed a bit,” she laughed and squeezed my hand. “Elliott is something, isn’t he? Most everyone I’ve talked to seems to like him.”

“Yeah,” I smiled, feeling the warmth of the wine. “He’s great, Mom.”

“You seem to be fitting in well here. I have to say I hardly recognize anyone anymore, but old Lewis hasn’t changed a bit.” She sipped her drink. “You know I was telling your father how like you it is that there’s a single doctor in town, and you chose the writer.” As she laughed, my stomach dropped, and I felt my face go hot. 

“What?”

“Oh, don’t get offended, sweetie. You’ve never been one to think about money,” she laughed. “And I understand, he’s quite good-looking.” 

“Elliott’s published, Mom. And should it even matter what he does? I’m marrying a person, not a career.” As the words left my mouth, the weight of them seemed to punch me in the gut. I drained my glass and thrust it into my mother’s hands as I excused myself.

I walked towards the stream, the wine’s warmth blooming in my chest. All of this had all been unexpected, and I was utterly overwhelmed. The proposal, the party, Elliott’s family, _my_ parents, all of it, and knowing my yes had been nothing less than expected, for some reason, made me feel ill. I suddenly wondered if Elliott and I had ever talked about marriage before, and what had happened to taking our time? We’d only _met_ a year ago. While I didn’t _not_ want this, I had to ask myself if I did want it.

I walked to the edge of the woods and around the base of a huge, old tree. My breathing was shallow; I wasn’t getting any air. My vision darkened, and I dropped to one knee, afraid I might faint. I felt the rough bark of the tree against the palm of my hand and listened to the river flowing nearby. I counted breaths until my heart slowed, and warmth seemed to return to my limbs, radiating from my chest. When I’d caught my breath, I stood, head throbbing. I smoothed my skirt and brushed off a few leaves that had stuck to my hem. As I walked back toward the clearing, a tall silhouette appeared in the light streaming between the trees.

“Peach,” Harvey said softly. “Are you alright?” 

“What do you mean?” I smiled brightly.

“Ah, I thought you looked distressed.” He wrung his hands, his face tilted toward the earth. “I seem to be mistaken.”

“No, everything’s perfect.” I moved to go past him into the clearing.

“Congratulations, Peach. I’m happy for you, truly.” He smiled in that shy way of his, his mouth a gentle curve, but his eyes betrayed his anguish. As I looked into them, I felt something inside me break, but my smile remained fixed on my face. 

“Thank you, Harvey.” 

As I reentered the clearing, I flipped a long-forgotten switch in my brain, turning off my emotions so I could get through the rest of the night. I found Mom, hugged her, and apologized for being rude. Elliott was drinking and laughing with Owen, Leah, and Emily. Shane stood a ways away with Marnie, talking to Jodi and her husband, Kent. I watched them all, smiling and laughing, from my accustomed place on the perimeter.

Earlier that day, when I was alone with Elliott, it was easy to believe we could be happy forever. I could imagine us, one day leaving behind the valley and everything that had happened there. I could see us elsewhere, content, but didn’t feel right or real. Though I’d always known the reason, I couldn’t admit it to myself. Every time I’d start to think about it, I’d bury the thought; it was too late, and it hurt too much. But when I saw Harvey in the dark among the trees, I knew I couldn’t ignore it any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> phew, I did not expect this chapter to take so long to finish 😅 thanks for being patient with me, I hope the wait was worth it 💕


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains spoilers for Elliott's fourteen heart event. I do not claim ConcernedApe's work as my own.

24 // worth the fight

Elliott slept soundly beside me. I wished I could sleep; my parents would be coming to visit the farm in the morning before taking the train home. I’d need the energy to deal with them, but I couldn’t get my mind to rest. My thoughts jumbled together into a mess of memories, replaying again and again before twisting into something else. When we’d talked with my parents, Elliott seemed to have everything already planned. Why had he told me we could take our time when it appeared he was nearly ready to have mayor Lewis pronounce us husband and wife then and there? I’d even overheard him telling Owen about an apartment he wanted to look at in the city. I wondered when all of this had happened. I was sure we hadn’t talked about any of it. Or maybe we had, and I couldn’t remember. 

I got out of bed, not worried about disturbing Elliott. Owen had managed to get him drunker than I’d ever seen him. He was out as soon as his head hit the pillow, despite his claim that we would celebrate as a couple when we returned home. In truth, the smell of liquor on his breath as he had sloppily kissed me only managed to remind me of finding Shane on the cliffs. I hadn’t had a single chance to talk to Shane that night. Not that I knew what I would have said to him. Still, I would rather I were sitting in silence with him over the lake instead of alone in my bathroom, swallowing a pill with a handful of water. When I closed the medicine cabinet, I found a wreck staring back at me, bags under tired eyes from being up for twenty hours, hair a mess of tangles, forehead lined with worry.

“Perk up, sad bitch, you’re getting married,” I muttered as I pulled my hair into a shorter ponytail than I was used to.

My breath caught in my chest, and I sank to the floor. I thought I would cry, but I didn’t. I sat and stared at the hot and cold knobs on the water line beneath the sink, hearing a whispery dripping, the source of which I couldn’t identify. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the steady rhythm, eventually realizing it was the watch Elliott had given me, still around my neck. It ticked away every second I failed to figure out what the hell I was going to do. The glass face clinked against my ring as I closed my fingers around it, muffling its sound. I held my knees to my chest, a dull ache in my right knee, another reminder of that day in summer. 

Shane, unconscious in the rain. Thunder louder than a scream for help. The realization that one of my first potential real friends thought he’d be better off dead. Though the incident had led Shane to accept help, and as well as he was doing, I still wished he hadn’t left me behind that summer. I was horrible, and I knew it. I’d rationalize it with fictitious scenarios, where I would have helped him get better, and he would have kept me from doing all the stupid things I’d done. But it was more the realization that I needed him that made me wish it. 

As many bad memories as it held, it was also the day I finally admitted to myself that I needed help. While I would forever be grateful to Dr. Warren, from where I was sitting, I had to wonder if our work had done me any good at all. There was also the debt that took seven months to pay off and trying to work with a knee injury, not that Marnie and Leah let me do much at first. I’d stumbled on another silver lining. The people in town, coming together to help me despite my efforts to keep to myself. My heart twinged as I thought of a bouquet of sweet peas, a blueberry pie, and a stack of books. 

Elliott had been good to me, probably better than I deserved. I was so thankful to him for finding it within himself to love me, but I was angry with him. I could eventually forgive the party, even inviting my parents, but he was keeping things from me, and it was so fucked that Elliott hated Shane for what felt like no reason. What would forever look like with someone who refused to tolerate my best friend? I knew Shane couldn’t care less whether Elliott liked him, but I at least wanted them to get along. 

My mind went blank like the end of a cassette tape, a few moments of staticky nothing. Then, like a hidden track, it returned to the only thing I’d wanted to avoid. I thought of a pair of joyless green eyes and finally wept into my knees. I couldn’t explain why I had lied to Harvey. I had been startled to see him there, even more so that he’d talked to me. That he’d talked to my _mother,_ and what had she said to him? Why had he come at all? Maru had been there too, and I wondered how he’d managed to avoid her interference. It hadn’t mattered. He’d found me and looked at me with those sad eyes. I had only caused Harvey pain in the year I’d known him, and there he was, checking to see if _I_ was okay. 

Fuck. Fuck him for giving a shit and for complicating everything. What was I supposed to do? How had I fucked everything up this badly?

I quietly cried until I couldn’t anymore. My breathing eventually slowed and steadied. I let exhaustion pull me gently downward into sleep.

I awoke to the door in my shin as Elliott pushed into the bathroom. It was barely light outside.

“Peach? Why are you sleeping here?” He stared down at me, eyes still sleepy. 

“I wasn’t feeling well last night,” I said, blinking against my sudden wakefulness. It was half true. 

“Here,” he said, offering me his hand. I took it, thanked him, and apologized as I went into the hallway and closed the door behind me. I put on my boots, grabbed my basket, and went out to take care of the chickens. When I got back, Elliott was making coffee. Between that and a quick shower, I managed to look presentable enough by the time my parents arrived to scrutinize my work. I hopped down the stairs to greet them, hugging my dad and then my mom. Dad wasn’t usually so affectionate; he preferred to express his love by helping me move or fixing my plumbing. However, since it was almost goodbye for who knew how long, I felt a hug was warranted. I sipped a second cup of coffee while Mom admired the flowerbeds, trying to avoid getting too close to the bee boxes. 

Mom and Dad were satisfied that I was doing well enough for them to allow me to continue living in the valley. I’d rolled my eyes when they told me, laughing to myself as I tried to imagine them trying to make me leave. Mom was furious when she found out it had taken me as long as it did to put a kitchen in the house. And yet, she wondered why I didn’t tell her much about my life. When she and Dad left, they made Elliott promise to take good care of me, and then they were off, down the road. My shoulders relaxed as they disappeared from view. I flopped onto the porch steps and sighed.

“Peach,” Elliott said. “Are you okay?” He sat next to me, resting his elbows on his knees.

“I don’t like surprises,” I said. “They kinda freak me out.”

“I’m sorry.” He laced and unlaced his fingers. We sat quietly for a bit. “I didn’t realize your mom was so, um–”

“Difficult?” I asked with a half-smile.

“I was going to say direct,” he said. I nodded, silently appreciating that he hadn’t said anything rude about her. She was often hard to deal with, but she was my mom, and I loved her.

“I would have preferred to know they were coming ahead of time.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, smiling tentatively. 

“Now that you’ve met them, are you sure you want to get married?” I asked, and Elliott draped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer.

“Did I not just promise I would take care of you?” He kissed my cheek before he stood and went back inside the house. 

* * *

Elliott knew something was wrong, but he wouldn’t say anything. It seemed as though he filled his interactions with me with little apologetic gestures, small efforts to make me forgive him for something I knew all too well wasn’t his fault. He began to wake before I did, making coffee, feeding the chickens, and bringing in the eggs. I did appreciate his efforts, but I wished he would just ask what I was thinking. Not that it was his responsibility, but I believed at the time if he would have asked me, I would have told him everything. Every day that passed seemed to reinforce that my feelings didn’t matter to him. I became angry. I knew it was backward and fucked up and wrong, but I couldn’t stop myself. Everything had become a twisted mess; I didn’t know how to sort it out anymore.

I knew I’d need to start the conversation if we were going to have one at all. I gave myself a week to figure out what I wanted to say, and then I’d find an appropriate time to talk to Elliott. In a thinly veiled effort to procrastinate, I gave myself another week to decide if I still felt the same way. I hated myself for putting it off, but spring was nearly over, and I got caught up in preparing for summer. I left the house early and came back nearly too exhausted to eat in the evenings. It felt as though all I did was work and sleep, and I couldn’t keep it up forever. I’d finally gathered the courage to say something when Elliott announced his publisher had been in touch. Elliott had been asked to do a series of readings in a few selected cities and would be leaving in two days. When he told me the news, I almost cried. I swallowed what I had to say and congratulated him. He was thrilled. I couldn’t ruin that for him.

The week before, I’d received a note from the clinic that Dr. Warren had to move her schedule around a bit and would be able to talk to me on Wednesday instead of Tuesday as initially planned. I couldn’t make myself go. As much as I needed Dr. Warren’s support, there was no way I could go to the clinic when Maru wasn’t there. I couldn’t face Harvey. I could barely think about him. Summer had just begun, so I simply told myself I had too much to do. I asked Elliott to pick up my prescription on his way back from the beach and prayed Harvey wouldn’t ask him where I was.

Elliott came home later than I’d expected. I was in the bedroom, folding and putting away some clean clothes. He joined me, silently packing his things into the open suitcase on the bed. I’d known he was leaving the next morning, but seeing him pack made it feel real. I shook out one of his shirts and had begun to fold it. Elliott took it from my hands, folding it in his preferred method and setting it into the suitcase. The tension that had been building between us felt about ready to snap.

“Peach.” Elliott finally broke the silence, “I don’t think I should leave you here on your own.”

“Why?” I laughed. “I’ll be fine.”

“How do I say this?” He sighed.

“What?” I finished folding a shirt and placed it in the open drawer.

“I’m concerned you’re not taking good care of yourself right now.”

“I’m fine, Elliott. What are you talking about?”

“I know you skipped your therapy appointment.” He dropped a stack of folded pants into the suitcase. I tensed.

“I had an appointment today?” I couldn’t have fooled a child. “I must have forgotten,” I added lamely.

“You never miss an appointment, Peach. And you’ve been so off lately. I’m worried you might be having an... episode or something.” His voice trailed off at the end. He knew he’d said the wrong thing.

“What the fuck, Elliott, how often have you been talking to my mom?” I groaned and slammed the drawer closed. “Want to start reading my journal too? I’m sure she’d recommend it.”

“Peach, I was worried about you. You’ve been in your head _a lot_ , and you’re sleeping more than usual–”

“I’ve been busy. And tired.”

“She said you get like this sometimes.”

“My mother considers any emotion other than pure joy an ‘episode’. And I don’t appreciate you talking to her about me when you could have just _asked_ me.”

“I’m asking you now,” he said, his face apologetic, concerned.

“And I’m telling you I’m fine, Elliott.” I could have left it at that. But I was seething. My anger had warmed to a boil inside me, vibrating from my center to the tips of my fingers. I wanted a fight. “If you don’t go on your trip, how are you gonna go check out that apartment?” His face paled slightly.

“How do you–”

“I heard you talking to your brother. Why didn’t you tell me what you were thinking? You didn’t even ask if I wanted to move away.”

“You’d just renovated this place, and I didn’t want you to worry about paying bills for a place you won’t be living in anymore. I figured we could pay them off with what we get from selling the farm.” My blistering fury momentarily turned to ice. When I was sure I’d heard him correctly, it blazed even hotter.

“We’re not selling the farm. Why the _fuck_ would you think we’d be selling the farm?” I’d lost control over the volume of my voice. Elliott raised his voice to match. 

“Well, we’re not going to live here forever, are we?”  
  
“Sounds like something you could have asked me before you planned for us to sell my farm.”

“I was thinking about you. I was thinking about _us_. My career is finally taking off; we can go anywhere we want, and you won’t have to be a farmer anymore.”

“What do you mean? What else am I supposed to do? Just follow you around the world while you live your dreams?”

“I thought you wanted to support me.”  
  
“I do, Elliott. I want you to have what you want, but don’t you want that for me too?”

“You don’t want anything,” he yelled. “You said it yourself, Peach, you don’t have dreams. That’s what you always say when you get too drunk to walk and cry about how you’re nothing. How you don’t have anything to offer anyone.” Elliott’s shout lingered in the small room long after he stopped speaking. I slowly sat down on the edge of the bed.

“I don’t remember saying that.” The words floated out of me like feathers. I did remember thinking it, all of it, dozens of times every day for more years than I’d bothered to count. It was strange and somewhat harrowing to hear my thoughts spill out of Elliott’s mouth.

“I’m not surprised,” he scoffed.

“I’ve been trying to be better. You know I’ve been trying.” I twisted my fingers in my lap. Elliott sat next to me on the bed.

“I see that, Peach, but I trust you wouldn’t have said those things if you didn’t believe them.” His voice had softened.

“Maybe I sometimes think that way. But they’re just thoughts. They’re not the truth.”

“It worries me that you have those thoughts at all,” he said, reaching for my hand. I curled my fingers around his.

“I honestly have a lot on my mind right now, Elliott. And I want us to have a conversation about it, but not when you’re about to leave for a week,” I said. “And you don’t have to worry about me being on my own. Marnie and Shane aren’t even a mile off the property.”

“ _That_ doesn’t make me feel any better.” Elliott pulled his hand away and stood up. He closed and latched his suitcase and set it on the floor. I should have said Leah. She was hardly any further away.

“I’m just saying they’re _right_ there. I wish you could forget about whatever happened that made you hate Shane so much.”

“You’re joking, right?” He laughed bitterly. “Have _you_ forgotten what he did that made you so miserable last year? I can’t believe there’s any confusion on your part as to why I don’t like him. And I sure as hell don’t understand why on earth you’d want to stay friends with the person who broke your heart.”

“Shane didn’t–”

“I don’t want to hear it, Peach. We’re not talking about _him_ right now. We’re talking about you.”

“Okay, sure, let’s talk about me. Why do you suddenly think I’m incapable of being on my own? Why are you even with me if you think I can’t even take care of myself?”

“Because I know you, Peach. The real you. The one who gives handmade gifts, and reads trash and actual literature with the same level of enthusiasm. Who can’t sit still when you’re excited and looks up words for fun, the you that believes in me. I miss _that_ Peach. I know she’s still in there somewhere.”

“I’m right here. I didn’t change, Elliott. You just know me better now.”

Elliott sat beside me, found my eyes, and held them still. A moment later, his lips were firm against mine, which softened and allowed him in. Another breath and I was flat on the bed with him above me. My hands in his hair, I held him closer, closing my teeth around his lower lip as he kissed me harder. 

“We can talk when I get back,” he said.

“Uh-huh,” I breathed and pulled him back to me.

* * *

In the morning, Elliott softly kissed my forehead, and I opened my eyes. He was dressed and ready, his suitcase by the bedroom door. I sat up and wrapped my arms around him. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Me too,” I said, holding him tightly, hoping he could feel how deeply I meant it. 

He would be home in a week, and we would talk about everything. Though I was sure it was impossible, a small part of me hoped we could come out of this storm together. Or, at the very least, that he wouldn’t hate me after I told him everything. A more substantial part of me screamed that it was hopeless, berating me for dragging this out as long as I had. I got out of bed, pulled on my boots, and walked Elliott to the gate.

“I love you,” he said softly, holding me close. “I’ll write to you every day.”

“I love you, too,” I spoke around the knot in my throat. “Be safe, okay?”

“You too, Peach.” He kissed me goodbye. “I’ll be home before you know it.”

He opened the gate, latched it behind him, and was on his way down the path to catch his train. I watched until he disappeared from view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was another chapter I didn't think would take so long to finish. though I might be procrastinating because we're getting close to the end and I'm not ready for it to be over 😭😭


	28. Chapter 28

iv // good as gone

Elliott rushed toward us out of the almost dark and into the edges of the yellow glow of the streetlight. He looked afraid and about as confused as I was to see him. I took a few steps forward.

“Peach, what the hell is going on?” He asked as my own question left my lips.

“When did you get back?”

“Just now. The house was a mess, and you weren’t home, and there was blood on the floor. What happened?”

“I washed a knife wrong.” I held up my bandaged hand. “It’s okay, just a few stitches.” Elliott’s horrified expression turned to fury.

“What’s he doing here?” Elliott glared at Shane over my shoulder.

“He brought me to the clinic.” I snapped, sick of Elliott’s misplaced anger. I turned around. “Shane, I’m really sorry. Can we talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” Shane said with a shrug. “See you later.”

“Like hell you will,” Elliott grumbled.

“Stop it, Elliott.” I sighed. I tugged on his sleeve, trying to bring him back down the road towards the farm. He began walking so quickly that I struggled to keep up. When I asked him to slow down, he whirled around in front of me.

“I was so scared for you, Peach.” His voice came out low and gravelly. His forehead lined with worry, he looked like he might cry. “I thought you might have–”

“No, Elliott, it was just an accident,” I said. He closed his arms around me tightly, pinning my arms to my sides. “Why are you back early? What about your readings?”

“One of the venues double booked. But, honestly, I’ve had a bad feeling since the day I left.”

“Everything’s fine.” I wasn’t convincing either of us. Elliott loosened his grip, rested his hands on my shoulders. I couldn’t meet his eyes.

“It’s obviously not fine, Peach. Nothing has been fine for weeks.”

“Yeah,” I nodded, and his hands fell to his sides. Neither of us moved. I stared at the ground, my heart in my throat. “There’s definitely some stuff we can’t avoid talking about anymore.”

“Clearly.” He turned away from me, resting the heels of his hands on the fence that ran along the dirt road. “I don’t get it Peach, after everything he put you through, why do you talk to him?”

“I tried to tell you before you left, you’re mad at him for no reason. It wasn’t Shane.”

“What wasn’t Shane?” he asked, exasperated.

“He isn’t who I was with last summer.”

“Then who was it?” Elliott was quiet, waiting. When I didn’t answer, he turned around. My heart pounded hard. I knew that once this conversation started, there was only one way it would end. Everything was about to change, and I was sure he would never forgive me. I shook my head.

“I don’t know how to explain.”

“I just want a name.”

“Please,” I said, finally looking into his face, twisted with frustration bordering on anger. My stomach was in knots. “Elliott, I–”

“Who was it, Peach?”

He was losing his patience, yet with each passing second, I grew more afraid to speak. It was one thing to have finally admitted it to myself. I didn’t know how to tell Elliott that he’d wasted his time on me, that I had selfishly accepted his love and couldn’t return it in the way he deserved. No matter how I felt he had wronged me, I had been worse, and for longer. Everything would have been so easy if he and I had worked. I honestly wished we could have. But I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I took a deep breath.

“It was Harvey,” I said softly. My eyes fell to Elliott’s shoes, dusty from the dirt path, faintly lit by a sliver of moon.

“The doctor?” he asked, not entirely convinced. “The one who just stitched up your hand?”

“I didn’t want to go. Shane made me.”

“Is he the reason you skipped your appointment last week?”

“Yes.” I folded my arms tight across my chest.

“Why?” He shook his head, bewildered.

“Because Maru wasn’t working that day,” I said, still tiptoeing around the truth as if I weren’t already in the middle of a nightmare. “I didn’t want to see him.”

“Why, Peach?” I couldn’t miss the accusatory note in his voice.

“Because seeing him hurts,” I cried. “I thought it would stop eventually. But I–” I choked. I covered my face with my hand, tears soaking into the sleeve of my sweater. “It still hurts. I’m sorry, Elliott. I’m so sorry. I tried to make it go away. I don’t want to feel like this.”

“What the hell is this then, Peach? What am I to you?”

“I love you,” I said, meeting his eyes. I took a step toward him. “I do, but–”

“Stop.” Elliott glared at me across the path.

“Please, listen, Elliott. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t want to hear this,” he shouted. “I get it. You’re not happy with me anymore.”

“Are _you_ happy?” I cried.

“With a fiancée who’s been lying to me for months?”

“I–”

“Not telling me is the same as lying,” he shouted.

“If you had asked me before, I would have told you.” I shot back. “But you didn’t need to hear it from me because you thought you already knew. How was I supposed to know what you thought? And what about all the stuff you didn’t tell me?”

“Don’t try to turn this around on me.” he snapped.

“Fine. You’re right. I wasn’t honest about my past, but you planned our whole future without asking what I thought about any of it.” He took a breath, opened his mouth to speak, but I kept going. “You can’t keep pretending to ignore everything else that’s fucking wrong with us.”

“I thought everything was going right,” he said. His shoulders shook, and his thumb and forefinger caught a pair of tears before they could fall.

“You don’t really believe that. Not talking about what’s wrong doesn’t make it not exist, Elliott.” Everything I’d been holding on to began to spill out. “I feel like you didn’t want us to talk about anything real because it would ruin the illusion that we’re perfectly happy. You made everything feel like we were living in a fairy tale. The grand gestures and sweet lines, the way you go out of your way to make me feel loved. But you also pretend my flaws don’t bother you, and you never ask what’s wrong because that spoils our story, doesn’t it? I feel like you maybe don’t want to accept that this one doesn’t have a happy ending.” I twisted the ring on my finger as Elliott stared at me in silence, the dim moonlight reflected in his eyes. “Please don’t think I’m trying to blame you for any of this, I know I should have said something sooner. I let this go way too far, and I’m so, so sorry.”

“That’s it, then?” He said. I nodded and stepped forward, slipping the gold ring off of my finger and placing it in his hand. “What the _hell_ , Peach.”

“I um,” I dried my eyes on my sleeve. “I understand if you never want to see me again.”

“Good.” He turned away. “I have nothing left to say to you.”

“Elliott,” I cried. He looked back for only a moment. “I’m sorry.” He shook his head, his face a mask of bitter disappointment. He left me alone on the path as he walked toward town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please don't hate me 😶


	29. Chapter 29

v // harvest

The sideways smile of the moon mocked me as I returned to the farm alone. My vision blurred with tears, my breathing ragged, I collapsed onto the front steps as soon as I reached the house. A few moths fluttered around the porch light. I rested my head on my crossed arms, my fingertips pressed into the wood of the steps, weathered and smooth. Considering I had so much trouble remembering to wear the ring, my hand now looked almost unfamiliar without it. A fist closed around my heart, and I sobbed into my arms. Once Elliott had heard the truth, I thought I would feel relieved; all I felt was loss. Footsteps approached, but I didn’t look up until a warm hand touched my shoulder. Shane sat beside me, pulled me upright, and wrapped me in a hug.

“How did you-” I started.

“Elliott’s crying into his whiskey at the saloon. I just figured, you know, you might need,” he trailed off. I squeezed him a little tighter before pulling away and drying my eyes. My face felt puffy, and I could barely breathe through my nose.

“I’m sorry, Shane.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me.”

“I do, though. I’m sorry for being such a shitty friend; getting drunk and avoiding you. And for never telling you the truth about what’s going on.” I stifled a sob. “I’m horrible. The worst person.”

“What happened, kid?”

“I don’t even know where to start.”

“Sometime between when you were born and now,” he shrugged. “Oh, good, you’re not too upset to roll your eyes.” He nudged my knee, and I almost smiled before another shuddering wave of tears washed over me. I thought about everything that happened in the past year, a spiraling mess that seemed to stem from what should have been an ordinary afternoon. I faced the dark fields and crossed my arms over my knees.

“I fucked Harvey,” I said.

“Today?” Shane gaped at me.

“No,” I shook my head. “Last summer. Twice,” I added, more softly. Shane continued to stare, and I hid my face in my arms. 

“Sorry,” he said. “No judgment, I just didn’t expect that. What happened?”

“It didn’t work out, obviously. He had his own shit to deal with, and I get it. I tried to let it not be a big deal. I don’t know why, but for so long, I couldn’t admit to myself that it meant as much to me as it did. But I mean, I knew that’s why it hurt so fucking bad. But I didn’t want anyone to know, especially him. I felt... weak. And stupid.”

“You’re not weak or stupid,” Shane said. I sat up straight and stretched, trying to relieve the ache in my ribs from crying hunched over a wooden step.

“I fucked it all up. Like, everything,” I said. Shane leaned back on his hands and waited for me to keep going. “I’d been talking in therapy about how it was all getting better, and I was thinking less about what happened with him and me, and trying to move on, you know? But in reality, I was just getting better at distracting myself. Harvey was never around, and Elliott was just so good at taking my mind off everything. I thought I was finally getting to a point where I could be okay, maybe.” I swallowed. “Do you remember that day you found me in the woods?”

“Yeah.”

“I was supposed to go to therapy that day. I mean, I went to the clinic for my appointment, and it was all normal. I talked to Maru, and then I went upstairs to make my call. But I opened the door, and he was just right there. I didn’t know what to do, and he just started talking to me. And for a minute I thought maybe everything didn’t have to be so fucking weird anymore. But then, he looked at me the way he did before. I thought he–” I shook my head. “I didn’t even want to think about it. But I thought he was about to say the one thing I wanted him to say. In that split second, I thought about what I would do if I heard him say it. And I panicked. And I got so angry, because if he really wanted me, why wouldn’t he have told me before he ran into me by accident? Why would he have kept hiding from me? 

“I realized if I let him say it I wouldn’t have hesitated to take him back. And it would all hurt all over again when he inevitably pushed me away. I had no room left in me to believe it could ever be any different. Fool me twice and all that. So I yelled at him. I wouldn’t even let him finish a sentence. And then Maru told me I’d pretty much made Harvey just as miserable as he’d made me. So when she asked me to stay away from him, I agreed because it felt like the only thing that made sense.”

“Wait, Maru asked you to stay away from him?”

“Yeah. I figured she’s kinda protective over him or something. Since he doesn’t exactly have other friends or anything. I thought it seemed like she was just looking out for him. I was glad someone was.” 

“Just seems like it’s not her business, but whatever.” I thought about Maru’s glare behind a flash of reflected fluorescent light.

“True, but I wouldn’t want to make her mad,” I admitted.

“Sorry to get you off track.”

“I mean, that’s pretty much everything. I chose Elliott because I was starting to really care for him, and I didn’t want to hurt him, you know? If I hadn’t, I could only imagine myself sad and alone again, having hurt someone I care about. So now everything is an even worse version of what I was trying to avoid.”

“That fuckin’ sucks, Peach.”

“Yeah. And you know what’s fucking stupid? I’ve seen Harvey maybe three times in the past six months, and every time I do, I just get so sad. So I just kept trying to avoid him. I skipped therapy, so I didn’t have to see him. I wouldn’t have gone to get stitches if you hadn’t made me.”

“Sorry, dude. I had no idea it was like that.”

“No, that’s on me for not telling you before the medical emergency happened. But when I saw Harvey today, it just really hit me again how much I missed him. And I almost told him. I was so close to saying it, but he wouldn’t even look at me and–” I dried my eyes and took a breath. “And so I left. And then Elliott, and I couldn’t hide the truth from him anymore. I wished I had told him months ago. But I just really thought I could love him enough to make everything else not matter. He hates me, Shane. Everything is all wrong, and it’s all my fault.”

“It’s not _all_ your fault, kid. You did what you thought was best for you and everyone else involved. You’re not a bad person; you made a few mistakes. And this shit show doesn’t define you, Peach. You’re so much more than all of this.” I turned toward Shane, looked into his bright, grey, _smiling_ eyes, and smiled back. 

“Who even are you?” I asked, hugging him again, his unshaven chin scratchy against my neck. “I’ve been so wrapped up in my bullshit I didn’t realize my grumpy boy is all wise now.”

“Fuck off,” he laughed. He ruffled my hair as I let go of him, managing to get a laugh out of me, despite my still wet eyes. I ran my fingers through my hair and looked back out at the fields. The season’s first fireflies flashed in the surrounding trees. 

“Thanks for knowing I needed you,” I said.

“Thanks for needing me,” he said softly. “And when you need me again, you know where to find me.”

* * *

Elliott’s trip to the saloon had ensured the whole town knew of our broken engagement by morning. I had managed to avoid hearing much gossip in the past, but when half a town hates you, they want you to know what they think. The rumors I began to hear about myself were somehow more vicious than the truth. In the week after the end of our engagement, I made one trip to Pierre’s, keeping my head down to avoid nasty looks and prying stares alike. I ended up leaving without buying anything. When I saw Leah across the town square and waved, she pretended not to see me. I didn’t blame her.

Luckily, Shane had talked to Marnie, and she was still willing to help me with the chickens and some of the watering while I waited for my hand to heal. Elliott had talked to her instead of me when he came by to pick up his things. When I had gone to bed that night, I found a note on the dresser:

 _Goodbye,  
_ _E_

Written below was an address in the city, not too far from where I lived before I came to Willowbrook. I guessed he’d liked the apartment after all. He didn’t have immediate plans to leave, but it seemed he’d prefer I’d mail his misplaced things that I found around the house to the new address.

The cut on my hand itself was another source of dread, each day another closer to seeing Harvey again. The thought made my heart pound and my ears rush, and I couldn’t figure out if I were horrified or looking forward to it. Then again, I wasn’t at all sure he wouldn’t ask Maru to remove my stitches so he wouldn’t have to see me. I had told Shane I was nervous about the appointment, and he asked me what I wanted to happen. Best case scenario, I would get my stitches out, and it wouldn’t be weird. Worst case, I would get my stitches out, and it would be. Shane assured me I could get through either, and somehow I was able to stop worrying about it for a little while. He and I sat near the fire pit eating stolen pizza, and it almost felt like the end of the last summer, when everything was only just a little fucked up. At the very least, we were both sure things could only get better.

* * *

It was already hot for midmorning, and my arms felt sticky under the sweater draped over them. I walked to the clinic at a slower pace than usual, not looking forward to being seen in public again since I, according to the town’s mothers, had brought such shame to myself. I kept my head down and pulled my arms through my sleeves quickly before opening the clinic door. Maru heard me and looked up, her face settling into a glare. I sunk into the nearest chair without saying anything. She sighed as she pushed away from the counter, stood from her chair, and disappeared through the swinging door. I waited a few minutes before Harvey appeared in the doorway and waved for me to come back. He held open the exam room door, the rolling cart already prepared with a set of tweezers and a pair of scissors.

“How are you?” Harvey asked as he washed and dried his hands. I shrugged and sat in the chair in the corner. I wondered how many times I’d been in that room. Harvey pulled on a pair of gloves, and I laid my hand on the cart at his request. His eyes seemed immediately drawn to my ringless finger. He cleared his throat. “So the rumors are true?”

“At least one of them,” I said quietly, not looking at him. He gently positioned my hand and began carefully removing each stitch.

“Are you alright?” he asked. 

“With this? Fine.”

“I meant, the ah,” he trailed off, his eyes firmly fixed on his work.

“You don’t have to worry about me,” I said softly.

“I know. But I do,” Harvey said, glancing up at me for the smallest moment. I felt a whisper of warmth in my chest despite the cold room, a tiny flutter. I, too, turned my attention to my hand, and the tickling friction as he removed each stitch. 

“I’ll be fine,” I said. Harvey nodded and continued his work. As I watched him, my heart pounded harder. I thought I shouldn’t say anything, but I had to know. “Harvey?” He looked up at me with those green eyes. “I, um…” I wasn’t sure where to begin.

“Let me finish this, please,” his mustache twitched the tiniest bit, and he looked back at my hand. His dark waves fell across his forehead, obscuring his face. I stayed quiet, watching him cut and remove the last stitch. When he’d finished, he set down the tweezers and removed his gloves. He dropped them on the table as he stood and started instructing me about aftercare. I couldn’t focus. He could tell.

“I suppose we could skip right to the unrelated questions and get back to this,” he said with only a hint of irritation.

“Harvey,” I started. My heart thumped hard against my ribs. I wasn’t sure if I could get the words out.

“Yes, Peach?” he said.

“Can we start over?” His green eyes were bright and bewildered. He blinked, twice, seemingly unsure he’d heard what I’d asked.

“Pardon?” he asked, blinking again. I took a deep breath, my eyes falling to the table.

“I get it if you can’t. Or just don’t want to. I definitely don’t deserve anybody’s trust, honestly. But I just… I care about you, and I’d like it if you were in my life. In any way you feel appropriate. But without all the dishonesty and horrible decisions?” My fingers moved to twist the ring that was no longer on my finger. “I want to be able to talk to you, you know?” I dared not meet his eyes. “Like I said. I get it if you can’t.”

Harvey moved the rolling table out from between us and stepped closer. I stood, finally raising my eyes to his. He opened his arms, and I stepped into them, wrapping my arms around him. His arms folded around me, gentle, warm, and I closed my eyes. He smelled like coffee and soap. I felt his heart beating almost as quickly as mine.

“I’m so sorry,” I said into his chest.

Harvey hushed me and held me for a little while. When he let go, he smiled, his eyes crinkling as he did. He resumed his explanation of aftercare, giving me an ointment that was supposed to help with scarring. He then told me he was able to reschedule my appointment with Dr. Warren, and that he looked forward to seeing me the following Thursday. I thanked him with a smile and left the exam room as he cleared the rolling table. I pushed back into the waiting room and approached the counter. 

“You seem less down,” Maru said as she counted the cash I’d handed her.

“A little,” I said. She put my change in my hand and met my eyes. Hers narrowed, then seemed to soften. I half-smiled hesitantly. It seemed as though both of us would rather not talk about our broken agreement. Maru shrugged, smirked, and waved as I left the clinic, pulling my sweater off of me as soon as I stepped into the summer heat.

I held my head a little higher as I turned to my right and started the trip back. It was cloudy, and a bit humid, but the sky between the clouds was a piercing blue. The clouds floated along with a breeze that didn’t quite reach the ground. As my feet kicked up little bits of dust on the path, I wondered if it would rain. We seemed about due for a summer storm. The roof of the farmhouse peeked through the deep green leaves. I rounded the last corner, smiling as I caught sight of Marnie’s gift, a carved wooden sign that stood at the gate of Willowbrook Farm, once my grandpa’s home, and now mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end, but it's also not the end. I'm already working on an epilogue lmao  
> I want to say thank you again to all of you who read this story. Writing this was kind of an adventure for me because I am a serial project-starter who never finishes anything. I started working on 'Sowing Uncertainty' back in February, thinking it would be a short story. But the idea kept growing and, amazingly, my interest in completing it did too. Even though there were two solid months that I wrote zero words of this story (thanks 2020), the characters never left my head, and I'm so glad they didn't.  
> Coming back to this project at the end of June, I made a lot of revisions. I rewrote the beginning, I abandoned my outline, and I think along the way I figured this storytelling thing out. When I started posting chapters at the beginning of July, I was terrified nobody would like them. I have to say you all have made sharing my writing such a positive experience, and I can't thank you all enough for your comments. Y'all have made me so happy.  
> I also have to say thanks to my IRL friends who supported me on this ridiculous adventure from the beginning, reading my earliest drafts, and being nothing but encouraging, even when I found it hard to talk about literally anything else.  
> Thank you all so much again. Stay tuned for the epilogue 🥰🥰


	30. Chapter 30

epilogue // stay gold

Elliott moved to the city just before the end of summer. He’d already managed to land another publishing deal for a collection of heartrending poetry entitled ‘The Pomegranate Tree.’ From what I’d heard, he was excited to live closer to his friend, who had become his agent and editor. Leah had thrown him a going-away party at the Stardrop and had asked Emily to let me know not to come. I was sure I wouldn’t have gone anyway, but I had to admit there was something extra special about being explicitly asked not to attend. Otherwise, I’d somewhat gracefully settled into another new version of normal. 

Willowbrook had become a bit more known for its pickles, jellies, and varieties of flower honey. I still shipped each jar with a scrap cloth lid cover and a handwritten label. I knew there were faster, neater ways of doing things, but I was proud that every jar I sold looked homespun, but made with love. JojaMart had cut Shane’s hours, so he’d started helping me on the farm, repairing fences, clearing trees, and caring for the animals. What I had perceived as overambitious at the beginning of the season felt much more manageable with him around. With his help, I was sure we could expand enough that I’d be able to pay him more in the fall, maybe enough that he wouldn’t have to go back to that depressing grey building across the river anymore.

One evening after we’d finished in the fields before he went to the saloon for some dinner, I asked Shane to invite Emily over for a fire that Saturday, so the three of us could hang out, like old times. I’d told him he could ask Leah too if she happened to be around, though I was sure she wouldn’t come. She had stopped ignoring me outright, but she still didn’t seem thrilled that I’d continued to exist. If anyone in town had Elliott’s full side of the story, it was Leah, and I knew well enough it had not been a good story. I hoped, in his absence, we could eventually be friends again.

That Saturday, Shane and I had been sitting near the fire, waiting for Emily when Alex showed up with a small keg and Haley, who periodically sipped from a glass bottle of something sugary and bright blue. It turned out that Emily had offhandedly mentioned her plans to Haley, who decided she would tag along. She’d told Alex, who seemed to have told everyone else, judging by the twelve or so people who had shown up to the farm as the sky grew gradually darker. I’d hosted larger gatherings before moving to Pelican Town, but it was slightly unnerving to have what felt like a third of the town, half of whom I still barely knew, hanging around the farm. Leaving Shane at the fire with Penny, neither of whom had been saying much, I passed Alex, who was pouring Maru a plastic cup of beer. Clint and Willy stood nearby as well, somehow both sticking out and fitting in with the small crowd that gathered around the fire and on the porch.

I caught a whiff of something, a thick, almost piney smoke, not entirely disguised by a second puff of cigarette smoke that had followed it. My eyes landed on a trio of people I’d only really seen in the game room at the saloon. I approached them with a wave. A blonde man with a baby face tried to subtly hide the blunt behind his leg at the purple-haired girl’s quiet but frantic insistence. Their sullen, black-haired friend who seemed a bit older didn’t seem to care one way or the other that I’d caught them. His dour expression fondly reminded me of Shane.

“Hey,” I said, nodding toward the blonde. “If you’re gonna do that here, would you mind letting the host know?” His expression quickly switched from mild paranoia to an easy grin. He held the blunt out to me, and I took it, raising it to my lips, taking one deep hit. 

“I’m Sam,” the blonde boy said. “This is Abigail and Sebastian.” I passed the blunt to Sebastian as I exhaled a wispy cloud of grey smoke. 

“Peach,” I said. It was an odd interaction. We all had already known each other’s names but had never officially met, so an introduction still seemed warranted.

“You know I heard you kinda suck, but you don’t seem that bad,” Abigail said with a slight smile and tilt to her head.

“Thanks, I guess.” I half-smiled. “You guys have fun. Try not to step on anything, and stay out of the corn, it’s easier to get lost in there than you’d think.”

I walked around the edge of the fence, smiling at the slight pressure between my eyes, like a sinus headache, in a pleasant way. Emily had arrived, and so had Leah. They stood together, chatting near the keg. My radio on the railing played surf rock on a station I hadn’t known existed, Emily bobbed her blue head to the beat. I waved, and she waved back enthusiastically. Leah merely nodded. I made my way back to Shane, sitting next to him on an old log we’d rolled over for more seating around the fire, which was now much more massive than initially planned. Both he and Penny looked as though they weren’t sure how they’d ended up there. 

“Everything good over here?” I asked.

“Yep, fine. How about you?”

“I’ve accepted this is happening whether I like it or not,” I laughed easily. I’d missed weed.

“Yeah? What about that?” Shane nodded toward the gate, near which a tall someone lingered at the edge of the porch light’s reach, seemingly debating whether or not to approach the house. 

My stomach did a flip. While Harvey and I hadn’t been avoiding each other, we hadn’t exactly sought out each other’s company either. I was sure he was trying to be respectful, allowing me the time I needed to sort myself out after everything that had happened with Elliott. I was appreciative; the past few months hadn’t exactly been easy. Harvey and I hadn’t seen much of each other outside my monthly clinic visits, and occasionally running into each other at Pierre’s, or more rarely the saloon. As insignificant as those encounters may have seemed, they weren’t to me. 

“Oh.” I looked at Shane, suddenly nervous. “I guess I’ll let you know.” He chuckled as I stood back up, trying to play it cool as I walked around the edge of the fire, past the porch, toward the gate.

“Is this new?” Harvey asked as I approached, gesturing toward the Willowbrook sign. 

“Relatively,” I said, my arms folded across my chest. It had been a hot day, but the nights were getting chilly. It surely was a good night for a fire.

“I had, ah, heard something about a get-together. I’m sorry for showing up uninvited,” he said. “That is, I  _ was _ invited, but not by you.”

“Relax, Harvey. Nobody was invited.” I half-smiled.

“Anyway,” he continued. “I didn’t want to arrive empty-handed.” He held out a bottle of wine. 

“We can go inside, and I can open that for you if you’d like.”

Harvey nodded with a small smile before following me further onto the property, passing a couple of intimate clusters of drunk townies, up the porch steps and into the house. 

“This place looks so different.”

“It’s been a while, huh?” I asked as I reached into a drawer and pulled out my corkscrew. “Oh, I don’t have glasses. Will this be okay?” I pulled out an empty jelly jar from the cabinet over the sink.

“Whatever you have,” he said with faint amusement. I opened the bottle and poured some of the wine. “Aren’t you having any?” he asked as I set the jar in his hand.

“Oh no, I’m good, I just sm–” I cleared my throat. “I’m fine right now.” As my heart rate increased, I remembered I had not missed weed as much as I had thought. My mouth was dry, and I felt with certainty that my every move was under strict scrutiny. I filled a coffee mug with water and took a big gulp. Harvey sipped his wine and looked around the room. No matter how weird this night had been, I was pleased he’d turned out to be a part of it.

“Is there something in my mustache?”

“What?” I blinked. “No, um. I’m just happy to see you.” That hadn’t been at all what I had meant to say, but I was glad I said it. Harvey’s cheeks flushed pink as he tilted his head down bashfully before taking another drink.

“So, how have you been?”

“Good?” I said.

“You don’t sound sure,” he chuckled.

“I can’t complain, I guess. How about you?”

“Oh, everything’s fine. What is this photo?” Harvey asked, turning to face the frame on the wall to his left. I set my mug down on the table and walked to his side. 

“That’s the old farmhouse, where my mom grew up. Torn down now, must’ve been about twenty years ago?”

“What a shame,” he said. “It was beautiful. Not that this place isn’t,” he added.

“Want to see what I’ve done with the place?” His green eyes found mine, and he nodded. “Kitchen,” I said, gesturing to the room behind us. “Bathroom at the end of the hall, that’s still the same.” I opened the door to our right. “And the bedroom. It’s a little small, but I think it’s cozy.”

He stepped inside the room and looked around. I’d replaced the old homemade curtains with long sheets of canvas that reached the floor. I had painted the wood-paneled walls a soft, pale blue, and a few pots of spring and summer plants I wasn’t ready to let go of stood scattered about in the limited space. I moved into the room, standing beside him between the dresser and the bed as he looked around. Harvey finished his wine, set down the empty jar, and turned slowly toward me.

“It looks good.” 

“Thanks,” I breathed, nervous again. So much for trying to play it cool. I tilted my chin upward to find Harvey’s light green eyes, their uncertainty steadily replacing itself with resolution. I wet my lips as he stepped a bit closer and leaned toward me. His gentle, hesitant lips met mine, soft, open, slowly closing. He pulled away, searching my face for my reaction. 

“Sorry,” he said, his eyes smiling.

“Don’t apologize,” I said, wrapping an arm around his waist, gripping a handful of his shirt. I smiled up at him, and he leaned closer, coming back for more. 

“Oh, okay then,” a jovial voice called from the hallway. Neither of us had heard anyone come inside. We turned to see Alex grinning at us from the doorway.

“Um, Harvey, you can leave your jacket in here if you don’t want it to get smoky,” I said, taking a step away from him. 

“Yes, thank you,” Harvey said, turning toward the far wall, cheeks flushed, a hand in his hair. Alex boisterously  laughed as he went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I picked up Harvey’s glass.

“Can I get you a refill?” I asked.

“I should go,” he said nervously, turning back around. He looked conflicted. “Should I go?”

“I’d like it if you stayed,” I said. “I mean, you came all the way out here.”

“Alright,” he said after a breath. He took off his jacket and folded it neatly, leaving it at the foot of my bed. I went into the kitchen and refilled his glass. The bathroom door opened, and Alex sauntered down the hallway, looking pleased with himself.

“The farmer and the doctor,” he said with a smirk. “Haven’t heard  _ that _ rumor yet.”

“I’d appreciate you not starting it,” I said, pouring a little bit of wine into my empty coffee cup and taking a sip. Alex winked as he pushed through the screen door and rejoined the others outside.

Harvey came out of the bedroom a moment later. His checkered shirt tucked neatly into his brown pants except for one spot near the back where I’d pulled it loose. He had loosened his tie. He looked much more laid back than his usual self, but still formal compared to me, in a pair of cut off shorts, an old loose button-up, and work boots. I wondered what anyone saw in me. I smiled and handed Harvey his jar of wine, and we went back out into the chilly air. 

Shane and Penny were now deep in conversation. Everyone else seemed to have split into smaller groups, Alex, Haley, Leah, Maru, and Emily stood together, talking and drinking. Clint and Willy sat near the fire in the chairs we had moved from the kitchen, seemingly happy enough to have a different place to drink for the night. Abigail giggled as Sam told a story, Sebastian stared off into space instead of listening. Harvey and I sat down on the porch steps, our long shadows stretching out into the flowers. I sighed, a little surprised at how relaxed I felt. I turned to see Harvey’s face, trying to read what he might be feeling.

“What is it?” he asked.

“What are you thinking about?”

“You’re impressive.” Harvey smiled, the edges of his eyes crinkling.

“Really.” I said, not convinced he was telling the truth.

“You,” he said, struggling slightly to put the words in order in his mind. “You’ve been through so much change in the past year and a half. And you’re not only still standing, but look at all you’ve been able to do.” He gestured out toward the fields of flowers and crops, the chicken coop, the cleared out section where I would build a barn in the fall. “And I can tell you’re doing better, too,” he added. I half smiled and drank what remained of the wine in my mug. 

“You seem to be doing alright, too,” I said. “I mean, you’re here. With people.”

“Yes,” he said, smiling softly. “Maru told me I should try to stop by. I’m very glad I did.” I found his eyes, and they were bright, happy.

“I’m glad you did too,” I said, nudging his leg with my knee. 

We talked on the porch until everyone else had wandered home, then moved to enjoy what little remained of the bonfire, continuing our conversation until I found it hard to keep my eyes open. We put the fire out, and Harvey helped me bring the chairs inside and clean up a few empty cups. I grabbed his jacket from my room and met him at the front door.

“I’d say you can stay, but morning’s in like four hours,” I said.

“I understand, I have things to do tomorrow, too.”

“Will you come by for a cup of coffee sometime?” I looked up and smiled when I saw he was.

“Yes,” he said. “Whenever you’ll have me.” He draped his jacket over one arm and wrapped me in a hug. He pulled away slightly, found my eyes, and leaned forward, touching his lips to mine. I pressed closer to him, felt myself melt on his tongue. His hand in my hair, he moved his lips to my forehead and held me tight another moment before he pushed open the screen door.

“Tomorrow afternoon?” I said, taking a last look into those green eyes.

“Okay. See you tomorrow.”

Harvey smiled and, with a little wave, turned and walked down the porch steps. When he’d disappeared from the circle of the porch light, I closed the door. I got ready for bed, happiness bubbling within me, escaping through a smile I couldn’t seem to control. I turned off the light, crawled into bed, ready to close my eyes so tomorrow could begin.


End file.
